bedtime for teens. who is being unreasonable

[elfshenanigans]

DH has a stressful job and needs his sleep. I work part time but still stressful. I am also the primary carer for our DC (teens with SN, aged 15 and 17). I do almost all the school runs, cooking, cleaning etc. DH gets up early to go to the office gym and he needs his sleep. He doesn't like if the DC and I watch TV or are up late. He demands that all phones are off by 9 pm and that everyone (including me) is in bed. It causes regular arguments. The DC are off school now for Xmas and I was watching a movie with DC1 and we had to stop. Is this normal? I think it's too early esp in the school hols. What is normal for others?

Oh for gods sake get out. I’ve been in exactly your position don’t cry don’t sleep on the couch your back will hurt and you will have to do it all yourself in the morning when he goes to his man job can you sleep with any of the kids at the bottoms of their bed ?if he’s anything like my ex he won’t get up again till work and you can get rid then x

What happens when your oldest turns 18 which can't be far off?
An 18 year old being told to go to bed at 9pm.
How long has he been like this with your bedtime curfew?

What other ways does he dictate to you all? Free time/ meals/ routines/ holidays/ finances/ friends & family?

A fan , the noise helps heaps of people to sleep, well in my family, and covers small incidental noises. An eyemask ( blocks one of the senses), ear buds if he can find some that are comfy playing very soft music. Sound proof the wall of the bedroom that leads to the rest of the house. One of those snake things for under the door. TV on something very boring and very low volume if you have one in your bedroom.
If none of that works pop him out next bin collection day, and then have a large noisy party.

If none of that works pop him out next bin collection day, and then have a large noisy party.

I'd opt straight to this one tbh!

Oh god why do I read these threads at night as they make me SO ANGRY

Agree with all the other people saying this is weird, controlling behaviour

Two things I haven't seen mentioned

Why is YOUR phone taken away at 9pm for heavens sake? I understand the logic of your teens not having their phones overnight but why your phone????

This is not a good pattern for your children to grow up with. One parent is a controlling ogre, throwing their weight around, demanding everyone behave as they wish and making dramatic threats the minute someone dares question them. Everyone else then meekly does their bidding. You're setting your children up to either seek out an ogre for a future partner, or heaven forbid turn into one - as that is the pattern for romantic relationships you are teaching them is normal. A relationship like that will feel like home.

Is that what you want for them?

@elfshenanigans Has DH not heard of ear plugs?
Also, if there is a spare room, that should be DH's own bedroom.

That way, DH can go to bed whenever he wants and everyone else can stay up.

If there is not ND then he is 100% extremely controlling and abusive. There is no way he should be dictating your bedtime. I could understand with DCs if he was doing it for their benefit, but he’s not, it’s just for his own. It’s also not like he’s getting up and going straight to work, he’s going for him time at the gym after having his own way making everyone sleep when he dose.

My DDs get to stay up later in the holidays, oldest 12. If they are watching a movie we’d let it finish before sending them to bed.

Im on the side of MN tonight you need to LTB.

Dose he bring anything other than his money to the family?

He’s super controlling and this is toxic for you and your kids. Unbelievable that in 2024 you, as his wife, have no say!! Does he think he is living in the 1800s? Also terrible example of male behaviour for your children.. I think it’s important that they don’t grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable behaviour. If your DH needs that much non-disturbance to his life by your family existence; maybe he should consider moving out and living alone!!!

I’m sure you already know the answer or you wouldn’t be here asking. Of course it’s ridiculous and controlling. I’m not sure why you’re so angry at the suggestion of ND either. It’s genetic 🤷🏻‍♀️ That is an extremely rigid routine that he is expecting everyone else in his household to adhere to, so he’s not pushed out of routine. People needing downtime isn’t just limited to him, is it? You all need that and if you get that by watching the TV in the lounge or whatever, as long as it’s not on loudly, then he needs to invest in wax earplugs! (Boots…absolute lifesavers), not expect everyone else to switch off when he has to. I wouldn’t be on my phone in bed for example if my DH was trying to sleep, but quietly or with headphones if needs be in another room, no issue. Expecting teenagers to be in bed for 9pm is mental. Enforce him to stay awake until midnight because that’s when everyone else wants to stay up until. It’s no different! It’s just plainly ridiculous and bullyish behaviour and I’d be telling him to get a fucking grip quite frankly. And this comes from me who lives in a house full of autistic/ADHD people (I am also). I don’t expect all of my needs to be addressed all day long and ignore the needs of others. That just not realistic.

OP, you're being abused. I'm sorry but insisting that everyone be in bed for 9 because he wants to go to the gym is controlling and abusive.

I'd rather get divorced and set my own bedtime like an adult than live like this.

I’m a light sleeper and my DD is a night owl so we’ve had to reach a compromise because it sucks hearing the microwave door slam at 2am, but 9pm is insane behaviour.

I take a lot longer to fall asleep so my partner just turns around and I stay on my phone a bit longer. If I wasn’t “allowed” to do this I’d just be staring at the ceiling in the dark for ages.

That is absolutely fucking insane. Do you all live in a studio flat sharing a sofa bed? If not, there's no good explanation to his insane controlling pathetic behaviour.

If he insists on going to the gym at a unearthly hour then he doesn’t actually need sleep

If he went to bed later and missed out on the gym he would not go without his precious sleep

He is being controlling

At younger than either of your dc, dd was doing dance lessons till 9.30 and we still had to get home and to bed and then she was up at 6.30am to commute the 17miles to get to school in Central London

I would get him to a doctors to check out whether there is something wrong with him.

Or get him an eye mask and ear plugs for Christmas. As well as a new regime in the family that if he wants to go to bed then he is free to do so but you and dc will be living your life differently

I do think that you might be mistaken that he is NT
If you have 2 dc who are ND then the first thing that I would look at is the genetic connection

I have ADHD and am awaiting my autism assessment. I never believed there was anything wrong with me until dd pointed out the symptoms of ADHD and as soon as I realised that I might have ADHD, I could immediately see that going back generations in my family that they all lived their life with undiagnosed ADHD

Get him some ear plugs. Unreasonable, especially in the holidays.

Sounds controlling.

I agree the ND is a red herring in all of this by the sound of it

But back to your original question. YANBU but he is. People are allowed to go to sleep at different times. No one made him the boss and no one makes him go to the gym. He would hate me as l rarely go to sleep before 11pm or midnight. But lm quiet and respectful of the people l live with

Teenagers by nine on a school night and 9:30 and the odd after a movie finished (10:30) on school holidays.
We go to bed between 9 and 10:30.

Do you have a house that echos noise?
Is your husband a very light sleeper?
What can you negotiate?
Can you discuss one ot two nights per week for later bed times?
The finishing off in the bathroom (water, flushing, tap noises) and no kitchen noise by a set time, low lighting and low noise (ear phones) after 9:00pm? What disturbs him? Is it movement? Worry? Do you and the kids sleep in and forget to go to school? Have a proper discussion.
It is not unreasonable that he wants the kids asleep by 9:00 pm. but to dictate to you such an early bedtime is strange.

Phones off for the teens I agree with. Otherwise it’s completely unreasonable to require another adult and teenagers to be in bed by 9. It’s his choice to get up extra early for the gym. He can use ear plugs and a sleep mask when he goes to bed and you all can agree to make as little noise as possible after 9pm but you should be able to use your house freely, too.
Ps I have children mid-late teens and they’re usually heading to bed somewhere between 9-10, unless they’re out at a party or with friends or staying up later to revise for a test.

I would recommend a box of wax ear plugs and some noise cancelling ear phones. I am in a house with DH and 2 teens and we ALL sleep with these on.

I'm always shocked at the amount of women on mumsnet who are in abusive relationships and just accept it. How does it even get to this point if my partner ever said right its 9pm telly off, phone off its bedtime I'd laugh in his face why are you all doormats its desperate and embarrassing

There are so many levels of dickhead to this. Demanding silence after 9pm would be quite unreasonable if his job actually required him to be up at a ridiculous hour, like shift work. Add to that the fact that he CHOOSES to get up earlier, he doesn't just control the noise level but also your phone, and he's tried to manipulate you by threatening to give up work? Absolute arsehole. Get rid. Seriously. Either have the argument and don't back down, or look up coercive control and start preparing to leave. I know it's terrifying, but you can do this. You deserve better. You don't need earplugs, you need a divorce lawyer.

This is abuse OP

I think people were looking for an excuse that he needed the routine and that is why he insisted everyone be in bed by 9pm

You seem to have taken the suggestions as some sort of insult

The issue is that if we take your word that he is NT,
Then that means he is a coercively controlling abuser and you and dc need to run.

Life will only get more and more restrictive

This is kind of abusive op. Its certainly very controlling. I would not put up with it.

Also as a sen mum I completely agree with op for people to stop saying he must be ND! No wonder my son has to wait so long for nhs appointments! Everyone trying to tell people they're autistic at 50 (if you've got to 50 without knowing then I'm sure you're ok!)

If we take your assertion that he is NT at face value (although I would like to know on what basis you make that assumption given that neurodiversity presents in so many different ways. Not being like your sons doesnt mean he is neurotypical) then he is a nasty selfish abuser. So why are you allowing him to abuse your almost adult sons by bullying them to this level?
I say this as a woman who escaped abuse.