bedtime for teens. who is being unreasonable

[elfshenanigans]

DH has a stressful job and needs his sleep. I work part time but still stressful. I am also the primary carer for our DC (teens with SN, aged 15 and 17). I do almost all the school runs, cooking, cleaning etc. DH gets up early to go to the office gym and he needs his sleep. He doesn't like if the DC and I watch TV or are up late. He demands that all phones are off by 9 pm and that everyone (including me) is in bed. It causes regular arguments. The DC are off school now for Xmas and I was watching a movie with DC1 and we had to stop. Is this normal? I think it's too early esp in the school hols. What is normal for others?

When I was a fifteen year old at boarding school, my bedtime was 10pm, with lights out at about 10.30pm and this was a very regulated environment but I had more freedom than you and your DC. OP, your DH is an obnoxious bully.

Well would he actually do that because how will he pay/help pay bills with no work? And if he’s stupid enough to leave work because he can’t cope with less sleep leave him with the DC and you get some extra hours. He’s only saying that to manipulate and control you into doing what he wants.

Just dropping in to add to the chorus of "no this is not normal".
It is in fact very bizarre and controlling behaviour, as is getting angry with you for not complying.
Him threatening to ruin your family financially unless he gets what he wants is also massively fucked up.
Does he do anything else that is like this OP? Anything that he assures you is normal and reasonable but that doesn't sit right with you? Have a think about it.

Jesus OP….how can you think this is normal?!

I go to bed at 9pm ish and HATE it. I do this as my older ND teen, would then spend the time her screen time ends in an endless demand to watch a programme (my DH works a way during the week). However, weekends and holidays are different. My DH would NEVER demand what you have described.

Your DC will get older….they will start to vote with their feet.

That’s insane and controlling. White noise machine or earplugs for him. Other option is sending him to the gp for help with his sleep anxiety (he either has anxiety or is a controlling creep - one needs help - the other needs binning)

This is no way to live, and you don’t want your dc’s thinking that this is normal

Why does you and your DC watching TV affect DP's sleep? Can a compromise involving ear plugs, better noise insulation or even sleeping pills be reached?
If he's that sensitive to sleep disturbance that those don't solve it, he needs to go to the gym a different time as his side of the compromise, that would surely allow a 10pm lights/TV end time which is more reasonable (he can't mandate phone downstairs though!)

I got this a lot with my XH, people asking if he was ND, based on behaviour that equates to him being a controlling arsehole. All our DC are ND, we both have ND siblings, I'm ND, he is an arsehole. It doesn't really matter in the end anyway, the behaviour still wouldn't be ok and I'm 99.99% sure my XH is not ND.

XH was also was horrible around sleep, or lack of, but that was about kids waking up at night and him being a complete arsehole the next day if he hadn't got the rest HE deserved. He'd game for hours, come to bed late and then be horrible if I wanted him to occasionally get up when our DC woke at the crack of dawn or during the night. His rest and his gaming were sacred because he worked full time and needed to rest and recharge. People like this don't change, the only real answer that can keep you safe and out of his control is to leave. Have you tried seeing what you could get off UC if you seperated? Would your kids qualify for some of the disability related payments, would you qualify for support as a carer? It might not be as bad as you fear.

Why?

So it's not about noise, is it, because if it was just about noise he could wear earplugs.

You say he gets agitated and threatens to leave his job.
Let him get agitated and learn to manage his discomfort.
Suggest perhaps he does need a different job so you and your dcs can have normal bed times, it's absurd.

You should be able to stay up as late as you want.

One day your children will go to college. They won't return in the holidays, Christmas. They'll never visit in fact. They'll marry, have children and still not visit.

It will just be you and him because you didn't stick up for them or yourself.

I'm so sorry but you're going to regret your passiveness one day.

What a way to live, pandering to this abusive arse.

Tell him to fuck off. He's not your dad. You don't need a bedtime curfew you're a grown woman. My 4 and 6 year old went to bed at 9 tonight. He's being totally unreasonable and controlling. If he wants quiet he can wear ear plugs.

I was still at football training at 9pm when I was 17 (and now as an adult to be fair) or out with friends. He's being unreasonable. He need sto learn to sleep within everyone else going with his ridiculous schedule.

Completely not normal at all.
I don’t even sit down until 9:30 after I have seen all the kids to bed and dealt with all their last minute requests!
9:30 onwards until 12 is me time so no, this wouldn’t work at all here.
I can foresee this bringing even more problems in the future for your family though.
You have gone along with this for now as you are his wife, chose to marry him
What happens when your kids are older but still living at home? Late teens, early 20’s before they move out? Will the still be expected to be in bed by 9? What if they want to go out with friends or partner in the evening? Have a friend or partner over?
If they get a job that works evenings?
Demanding teens in bed by 9 is one thing but grown adults living in the same household? They are going to massively resent him, and you for going along with this. It will likely drive a wedge between you and your own children.

What Time does he get up? He sounds absolutely insane! I’m not sure how you have survived so long with him, sounds like a controlling wierdo tbh.

He's being completely unreasonable, he cannot insist anyone goes to bed at 9pm. My similar aged child hasn't been to bed at that time for years, it's more like 11.30-12. You and your children deserve to relax in the evenings doing what you want and he needs to get some earplugs or chill out about it.

I am really sorry this is abusive and controlling - your poor kids! You need to leave and protect your kids from your twat of a husband!

Please contact women’s aid for support.

We are in bed because we have work today, but the teens are all awake and all (I assume) on their screens of some description. All using headphones and being quiet so we can sleep but all on holidays from school so no phone hand in times etc. Your DH is being unreasonable I think.

16 year old and 6 year old. My 16 year old just made herself waffles and hot chocolate obviously she asked me if I’d like any all this is going on while her step dad is in bed as he’s up at 5 for work x how do you even police a 16 year old x

The cumulative number of posts telling the op that this is not normal behaviour is hopefully making her realise that she shouldn't have to live like this but I do wish those posters telling her to tell her abusive husband to fuck off would shut up.

You clearly have no understanding of coercion, control and power dynamics in an abusive relationship let alone how dangerous it can be for a woman to speak to her abuser in a confrontational way.

I agree with you. You're in an abusive relationship. You obviously know a lot about neurodiversity.

Your H sounds very difficult!
Have you thought about leaving him? Would it be difficult financially for you?

So what would happen to the HARD "NO! Out of four people in this household, the only one who wants to sleep early is you. That is your choice. Here are some very good earplugs, deal with it"

If he threatens to leave his big job (clue: he will threaten, but he wont actually do it because it further boosts his BIG MAN self esteem) say "Ok darling, do what you must, I am sure that we will manage financially and if we have to move, well thats ok too". That defuses the big bomb he thinks he is carrying.

Stop handing over the power to him. Yes your life would change massively if he stopped working, but what you are forgetting is, so will his.

You will have to go back to FT and then....he is the carer of your children instead of you. He will be the one doing all the running around, the shopping, cooking, caring, etc. Do you really think that he wants to do any of that?!

He is only threateing this because you always back down. So dont. Hold the gaze, dont blink, think of it as a game of "chicken" where he is pretending to drive a truck and is actually on a toddlers tricycle.

ear plugs for hubby,

That is ridiculous, on all counts. Your teenagers must be fuming, don't let him dominate them out of the house! Or they'll be counting down till they can leave. Build a hut in the garden for him if he's that sensitive.