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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

361 replies

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 08:42

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

OP posts:
LetsNCagain · 22/12/2024 08:45

Yanbu, but this is something I'd get to someone else to talk to her about. Is her Dad around? Or her aunt could talk to her about this?

Dishwashersaurous · 22/12/2024 08:45

This is just really odd. I'd actually laugh it off. Thank you darling but this are already my things. You know that presents need to be something new.

If you weren't able to get to the shops or have time then you should have asked me for a lift. It's OK to not to get something but as you know we gave you money to buy presents for my birthday and Christmas. So I will need that money back.

And then go and have a lovely day

Itsallfunngamesuntil · 22/12/2024 08:46

If you have a partner I'd be asking them to have a gentle word with her.

Otherwise I'm afraid you'll have to do it.

She's only 13 n prob not thinking straight......but clearly she's happy to organise a thoughtful present for others

Greywarden · 22/12/2024 08:46

If an adult did this to another adult, it would not be well-received. Therefore I think it is fair enough to explain to your DD why this isn't good enough and to help her think of an alternative present. It will help to teach her about appropriate gifts and reinforce that you too are deserving of care and respect, just as her aunt and her friends apparently are.

I don't think it is grabby of you to be upset by this, particularly given that you have provided your DD with resources for presents and have clearly reinforced at other times that you value home-made things too. It isn't the home-made that's the problem but the re-gifting of an item already given to you or already in the house. This is a learning opportunity for her that could benefit your relationship with her and her relationships with others in future.

Stillherestillpraying · 22/12/2024 08:47

Hand back and say ‘I wasn’t born yesterday love’

Budgeting is hard but she needs to learn. Probably thinks she can get away with it with you.

HPandthelastwish · 22/12/2024 08:47

Has she spent all her money and mismanaged it but wanted to give you something?

You can talk to her about budgeting for next year.

Octavia64 · 22/12/2024 08:48

Not quite sure of the situation.

She made some things.

They therefore were hers?

She has now gifted them to you so they are yours.

My mum has given me presents before now of things she has made that are in her house. (Quilts, hangings, cushions etc).

She also gave my DD some earrings for her birthday that are family heirlooms.

Did she think that you would like them to belong to you?

ueberlin2030 · 22/12/2024 08:49

I couldn't get worked up about this tbh.

TwilightCat · 22/12/2024 08:49

It does show a lack of care. Presumably she ran out of money buying for other people, didn’t know what to do about your birthday, and thought ‘I know, I made these so I’ll just re-give them’. It would feel a bit crap like you weren’t worth the effort to plan for and that a lazy afterthought is good enough.

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 08:49

HPandthelastwish · 22/12/2024 08:47

Has she spent all her money and mismanaged it but wanted to give you something?

You can talk to her about budgeting for next year.

It's not her money though, it's money OP gave her to buy thoughtful gifts. So to run out before getting to her mum and not even make something new for her (which I assume would be well received) is not ok and needs to be addressed now, not 'for next year'

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 08:50

Octavia64 · 22/12/2024 08:48

Not quite sure of the situation.

She made some things.

They therefore were hers?

She has now gifted them to you so they are yours.

My mum has given me presents before now of things she has made that are in her house. (Quilts, hangings, cushions etc).

She also gave my DD some earrings for her birthday that are family heirlooms.

Did she think that you would like them to belong to you?

Sounds like she already gave the things to OP several years ago, so no this isn't the same

Nogaxeh · 22/12/2024 08:50

This sounds like the sort of thing your DD may have decided to do in a panic. They may have wanted to get you something, but ran out of time or money, or tried but couldn't find anything, and then panicked because they didn't want to have nothing to give you.

So this might be an opportunity to talk to her about the appropriate way to communicate when things don't go to plan and you're upset about letting someone down. Be gentle and talk to her to find out what happened.

OneAmplePearlKoala · 22/12/2024 08:50

Oh I’d laugh this off.
It really doesn’t matter, my kids will pick us up a chocolate bar or pack of biscuits from the Co-op you don’t need a carefully thought out present from a child - that they think enough to acknowledge the day is enough.

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 08:51

OneAmplePearlKoala · 22/12/2024 08:50

Oh I’d laugh this off.
It really doesn’t matter, my kids will pick us up a chocolate bar or pack of biscuits from the Co-op you don’t need a carefully thought out present from a child - that they think enough to acknowledge the day is enough.

You'll be the mum in 20 years upset because her son 'forgot' her birthday for the 20th year in a row. We can teach our kids better than this. It's not about 'stuff' it's about showing care and appreciation.

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 22/12/2024 08:51

I think I'd ask if we're doing re-cycled gifts this year and, if so, does she want to choose items from around the house for you to give her or if she's happy for you to make the choice.

Edingril · 22/12/2024 08:52

She has a budget because she has to visit you things this comes across as

What my child does for me on events is up to them, maybe by giving her a budget and doing what she did she is sending you a message

Guest100 · 22/12/2024 08:53

It’s hard when you do so much for your kids then they do something like this. I agree maybe getting someone to have a word with her.

ueberlin2030 · 22/12/2024 08:53

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 08:51

You'll be the mum in 20 years upset because her son 'forgot' her birthday for the 20th year in a row. We can teach our kids better than this. It's not about 'stuff' it's about showing care and appreciation.

Show quote history

Some folk don't place much emphasis on presents though, and that's fine.

OneAmplePearlKoala · 22/12/2024 08:55

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 08:51

You'll be the mum in 20 years upset because her son 'forgot' her birthday for the 20th year in a row. We can teach our kids better than this. It's not about 'stuff' it's about showing care and appreciation.

Show quote history

No, I won’t, because it literally doesn’t matter.
It’s just another day when you’re an adult.
My mum has never expected anything from us I don’t expect anything from my kids.
My MIL used to get FIL to ring DH if he hadn’t been to see her before work on her birthday- I will never be that woman.
edit to add- I’d rather my kids just come and visit me regularly when grown up like we do than a forced visit because it’s one of our birthdays. Love and care is spontaneous.

Rocksaltrita · 22/12/2024 09:00

I wonder why she did this. Is she unhappy with you and trying to make a point? Or did she run out of money and panic? It’d be interesting to know.

TwinkleLights24 · 22/12/2024 09:00

She’s 13.. It would be different if it was an adult but she’s a child who probably lost track of her spending.

Pineapplewaves · 22/12/2024 09:00

You haven't mentioned a present for her Dad so I'm guessing he isn't around? Someone else should be supporting her in getting a gift for you, do you have a DP? Is the Aunt your DSIS, would she not assist?

I agree with pp, she spent too much on everyone else and ran out of money. Did you not supervise her purchases for her friends and Aunt to make sure she didn't overspend? 13 is young to budget and manage money on your own.

Maggiethecat · 22/12/2024 09:00

As others have said this is a good teaching opportunity. Gently tell her that gift giving allows you to tell the person that you care about them and thought about what they like, even if you end up getting it wrong.

Tell her that you feel that although she did think to give you a gift she didn’t seem to put much care or effort into it.

She’s old enough to have a conversation like this.

CautiousLurker01 · 22/12/2024 09:03

As other PPs have said, there may have been a reason (over spent on other gifts, disorganised etc) but there are consequences of being this thoughtless (or shitty) in adult life that could cause (even) more significant hurt and fall-out. She needs to be brought up on it now so that she understands you simply don’t do this. If you have a DP or if there is a exH, they need to have a word.

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 22/12/2024 09:04

At 13, that's awful. Id talk to her.

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