DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

Sorry - aren’t allowances and pocket money doled out for chores? Otherwise OP has essentially set a budget for her own present? What could possibly be more pointless and thoughtless than that?

Mumsnet seems to be worse than ever this Christmas, you’ve had some awful replies, you certainly don’t sound like an awful parent to me. I have to wonder about these people who have apparently no expectations or boundaries for their children and what sort of adults they are raising.

I think it’s entirely reasonable to expect your child to come up with a thoughtful gift for your birthday, especially since you’ve ensured she’s got the money for it. I think it’s very important children learn that others (especially mum) are also worthy of consideration and care and part of being a parent is to teach them this. It sounds like you’ve handled it very well and it’s pretty much resolved with the cinema outing. I think it’s fine and a good lesson for her to pay for the cinema (although I’d probably pay for the snacks).

That is not the point of the thread. That you haven't grasped it is not the Op's problem.

Surely the first lesson is missing here which is chores for pocket money? You’re essentially pissed off because your daughter has received a gifting budget (from you), which has resulted in you paying for your own gift - which wasn’t bought. Think you need to head back to basics here…

Glad you have got it sorted. It's clear though that she can choose and buy thoughtful presents with your input and support but is not yet independent in that skill. That's all. She will be. It's distressing when teens seem to get less capable and thoughtful but it's just a regression.

You have no idea how the money for presents was given or the budget, I don’t think OP has said they gave their daughter £20 and asked for a gift? I can’t imagine it, she has an allowance but we don’t know how much. Again, I really don’t believe the issue here is anything but a total lack of thought. Even a £4 box of Lindt chocolates because OP loves them and her DD knows that is more thoughtful than wrapping an item already in the house! Or making a card even. I don’t think it’s too young to learn consideration for your parent, especially if she’s already done it for friends and an aunt.

That’s your opinion - not mine. The OP should be upset because they’ve done a shoddy job, not because of a gift that they were financing in the first instance. Responsibility is the issue here…

This is really not what the OP is saying at all.

You are quite right to be disappointed. I know you were not after the material stuff, just some thought and care.

Mums always put their children first and are willing to sacrifice everything, time, money, energy to make them happy, but when your kids use their priority status to treat you as a doormat, that's really quite shit. I would not smooth this one over and would let her stew for a few days. She needs to feel your disapproval for once.

I have in the past given my kids a wishlist, like PJs, book, nail polish, bubble bath, geode. It means they're not struggling to find something within budget, but they have to actually think about what I'd like.

I know you're not the PARENT who has created a MN thread from a teenager, and I never implied that you were that PARENT. It's a valid topic to post about, so I don't know why you're making a judgement that it isn't.
Nothing about this thread remotely suggests OP is an 'awful parent' which is how you described her. I stand by that it is harsh of you to describe her as such.
Giving a child this age money yourself to buy a present for yourself is certainly not uncommon, especially in single parent households. In two parent families, often the other parent gives the money to the child, but this option is often unavailable in a single household. It allows the child to experience the feeling and skill of gift buying and the enjoyment of giving etc etc which is all part of developing into a thoughtful and social adult.

You handled it well. You were right to address it otherwise she think this is acceptable. Well done for bringing it to her attention.
From a young age I saved my pocket money for Xmas and birthday presents for my parents.

The original post by the OP says she gave the teenager a budget for Christmas shopping and her birthday - RTFT. The issue here is about understanding how money is earned and spent, the rest is focusing on small details and not the fundamental and underlying issue. As are pointless threads digging out teenagers.

Slap in the face? Hardly

Some people chose drama, some don’t.

This was a small issue, and if blame is being placed anywhere- it’s that it’s a parenting fail not that of a young teen.

A young teen who we are just finding out, has had her mothers partner move in 18 months ago.

I think we need to stop focusing on the child and more so on the parent who is causing drama over this.

Yeah it’s insane isn’t it. The number of adults piling on and carping on about shitty boxes of chocolates…

I don't agree with this, I have always been thoughtful in my gifts for others including my children and make sure that they buy thoughtful gifts for my ex and help me choose things for their grandparents. I would be upset if they did not reciprocate- it's not about expense but thought and care.

OP I would get someone else to have a word with her.

I’m genuinely surprised people think YABU.

Every Christmas and Mother’s Day, and at regular intervals for birthdays, there’s threads from posters who are disappointed at the lack of partners thought in their gifts (or their no gifts at all) and people usually agree it’s unfair.

If it’s alright to give things around the house as a gift at 13 then at what age does it become thoughtless?

A big part of parenting is teaching your children etiquette and social cues, should OP have just left her daughter thinking this is totally okay and appropriate, and if so and the daughter kept doing it, how many years before it’s okay for OP to say something?

I'd just wrap something up from around your house and give her that for Christmas. You can give her the real gifts later but it will be a good prank and make the point.

I think you have done all the right things. Teenagers can be thoughtless, but I think now you have pointed it out she will remember for next time. Ignore the horrible comments on here, some people just sit on this site waiting to make a mean comment.

This is what I would do too. In lots of layers so it takes a while to open.

I did RTFT. The comment you refer to doesn’t say ‘I gave her £50 for my birthday gift’ and also doesn’t say ‘I never make her do a chore I just throw money at her’ so stop making OP the bad guy. Teenagers can be thoughtful ffs

Yes but it’s about HOW you teach.

You don’t teach by causing drama and having a strop over a gift. Using overly emotive language like the OP has done. That’s shaming.

You teach by appreciating the gift given, and next year make sure the DC is supported when creating their list, expectations of who should be given a gift set, help with budgeting and taking to the shops.

LOL, my oldest who is 19 last year completely forgot to send me a birthday present in her first term at uni (she claims she sent a card but it never showed up), This year she claims she sent a present but that also never showed up – I do believe she did but I suspect she didn’t put the right postage on it because as a Gen Z it’s alien to her to go into the post office and ask how much you need to pay so she just sticks random stamps on things. I just found it funny and teased her about it. I didn’t take it as a sign of something terribly wrong with our relationship and if she done it when she was 13, I would’ve been even more forgiving. Teenagers do dumb things. If she does it again next year there will be trouble though … OP, sounds like you’re just being a bit oversensitive, and it also sounds like you’ve resolved things anyway so don’t worry

@Thepeopleversuswork try to ignore nasty posters.

Teens can be thoughtless but this isn't nice. I'd have been hurt too.

Does dd get on ok with your OH? Just wondered if she's getting back at you somehow for changing the living arrangements?