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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

361 replies

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 08:42

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

OP posts:
CarolSwimmer · 22/12/2024 09:05

I would find it funny!

I'd probably give my DC a hug and say thanks and remind them how much I love the items, and we might chat about when they made them etc.. bring back some memories :)

Nothing to get offended or worked up by!

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2024 09:06

Dishwashersaurous · 22/12/2024 08:45

This is just really odd. I'd actually laugh it off. Thank you darling but this are already my things. You know that presents need to be something new.

If you weren't able to get to the shops or have time then you should have asked me for a lift. It's OK to not to get something but as you know we gave you money to buy presents for my birthday and Christmas. So I will need that money back.

And then go and have a lovely day

Perfect.

Pinkissmart · 22/12/2024 09:06

TwinkleLights24 · 22/12/2024 09:00

She’s 13.. It would be different if it was an adult but she’s a child who probably lost track of her spending.

This! She’s made a rookie error. Doesn’t mean she’s going to turn into a thoughtless dick.

What you CAN do OP is give her a lesson on graciously accepting a present.
Do you REALLY want to embarrass her at Christmas?

Honestly, some of these replies!

AmusedMaker · 22/12/2024 09:06

I’d laugh tbh & forget about it.
In 10 years time you’ll both laugh about it together.

kerstina · 22/12/2024 09:06

Maybe she has got you a bigger present for Christmas if your birthday is really close to Christmas. My birthday and my DH’s are close to Christmas and we often get joint presents . People are a bit hard up this time of year. Can you talk to her about it ?

Moonlightstars · 22/12/2024 09:07

In our house she would have the piss taken out of her for years.

greyfoxy · 22/12/2024 09:07

TwinkleLights24 · 22/12/2024 09:00

She’s 13.. It would be different if it was an adult but she’s a child who probably lost track of her spending.

This exactly!! I think you're expecting a lot from her to manage this and then be upset when it doesn't work.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2024 09:07

CarolSwimmer · 22/12/2024 09:05

I would find it funny!

I'd probably give my DC a hug and say thanks and remind them how much I love the items, and we might chat about when they made them etc.. bring back some memories :)

Nothing to get offended or worked up by!

She’s been given money specifically to buy gifts for everyone, tho. Sounds
like she has left mum’s presents til last and run out of money. Time to prioritise with a chat about budgeting, maybe?

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 22/12/2024 09:08

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 08:49

It's not her money though, it's money OP gave her to buy thoughtful gifts. So to run out before getting to her mum and not even make something new for her (which I assume would be well received) is not ok and needs to be addressed now, not 'for next year'

Show quote history

It is her money, it was given to her.

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 22/12/2024 09:10

I'm going to be that 'more info needed' poster. Has she had money from you for presents in previous years? What happened then? is the expectation clear that she goes out and buys you a present?

Tbh I think tying gifts to perceived appreciation with children this age is not ideal and fraught with pitfalls. So I'm also going to ask what she's like otherwise. If your relationship's otherwise good, I wouldn't place any meaning on this. I'd laugh and say 'ah, ran out of money?' and that's be the end of it. Next year I'd remind her (again laughingly) to leave a bit over for me (and perhaps mention something inexpensive that I'd quite like).

OneAmplePearlKoala · 22/12/2024 09:11

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2024 09:07

She’s been given money specifically to buy gifts for everyone, tho. Sounds
like she has left mum’s presents til last and run out of money. Time to prioritise with a chat about budgeting, maybe?

Edited
Show quote history

If she’s left mum to last that’s because she knows (or thought she knew) that mum would understand.
That’s a reflection of a good secure relationship - she knows there is no risk of losing mum’s love.
Her relationships with her friends are important to her but not unconditional like with mum so she prioritised them.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 22/12/2024 09:13

I am very easy going about gifts - handmade from my child is lovely, secondhand is lovely, I don't care about money spent, wrapping or cards. I would understand if a kid ran out of money. But I do care about thought and consideration. I am afraid that I would say something to my kid if she presented me or DH with stuff that she made 3 years ago that had already been sitting on my desk. The money is one thing, the lack of time and thought is a different issue. And I absolutely would have known this was not acceptable at 13.

Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 09:13

To answer a few questions: I’m not with her dad. My partner (her stepdad: we have been together seven years) had a word with her before Christmas to check that she was working on a present. She said she had it covered.

I talked to her this morning: I said I don’t really care what the present is but giving someone a gift that everyone knows has been lying about the house gathering dust for years sends a signal to the recipient of the present that you don’t care enough about them to put in a bit of effort.

She was defensive and upset initially but has just come down to apologize and say she is going to take me to the cinema tonight instead. All OK for now at least officially and I have accepted her apology.

It’s not the biggest problem. I guess I was just a bit taken aback and hurt that she was so cynical about it. Particularly when she had a budget for gifts. I don’t like the thought that my beloved only child is trying to get out of spending a bit of money on my birthday and thinks I am an idiot.

OP posts:
JollyHollyMe · 22/12/2024 09:17

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 09:13

To answer a few questions: I’m not with her dad. My partner (her stepdad: we have been together seven years) had a word with her before Christmas to check that she was working on a present. She said she had it covered.

I talked to her this morning: I said I don’t really care what the present is but giving someone a gift that everyone knows has been lying about the house gathering dust for years sends a signal to the recipient of the present that you don’t care enough about them to put in a bit of effort.

She was defensive and upset initially but has just come down to apologize and say she is going to take me to the cinema tonight instead. All OK for now at least officially and I have accepted her apology.

It’s not the biggest problem. I guess I was just a bit taken aback and hurt that she was so cynical about it. Particularly when she had a budget for gifts. I don’t like the thought that my beloved only child is trying to get out of spending a bit of money on my birthday and thinks I am an idiot.

Have you tried a parenting course for teens?

ThinWomansBrain · 22/12/2024 09:18

I'm sure that she will appreciate being gifted her school uniform as her Christmas gift

cariadlet · 22/12/2024 09:19

That's a great update. Understandable that she was defensive but good that she's apologised and is taking you out.

It's the sort of thing that a 4 year old might do, not a 13 year old. I would have been happy with a home made present from my dd but not if she'd found something that had been sitting around the house for ages and wrapped that up.

Wheresthebeach · 22/12/2024 09:21

Nice update OP. You were right to say something, she needs to know that wasn’t okay and it’s important to treat people with care. Typical teenager!

Aspargar · 22/12/2024 09:21

I cannot believe you made this into a thing OP and actually spoke to her about it. She’s 13 for crying out loud.

Some adults find it hard to budget, think of good gifts, get it delivered in time and wrapped for Xmas.

I would have been proud to know that she had been putting effort into her Xmas gifts. Yes she fell short by regifting to you but in the Christmas spirit, a parent teaching their child, I would have let this go

If she had done this two/three years in a row, then that’s something else.

I think you’ve been a bit dramatic OP

DepartingRadish · 22/12/2024 09:21

Possibly thoughtlessness, or maybe panic if she's overspent on the other presents and then realised she's blown her budget. Either way I think you should say something to her.

I remember being in a shop with my mum once when I was your DD's age. I was behind a rack so she couldn't see me, and I heard the counter lady ask her how she was - she recognised us as we went in quite often. Mum started crying and then apologised and said she was having a rubbish day because it was her birthday and nobody had remembered. The counter lady gave her a hug and a box of malteasers off the shelf. I was too embarrassed to say I'd heard, so came out round the other side of the rack. We went home and Mum never said a word, just that her hayfever was acting up but that the nice lady at the shop had given her some malteasers to say thank you for being a good customer.

I remember feeling so guilty and upset that I'd not realised it was her birthday, and I wished she'd said something to me. I always remembered her birthday after that and always gave her something, even when I was broke and it was only a bar of her favourite chocolate or some bubble bath that I know she liked. It made me realise that it's not about how much you spend, but the thought that you give - and that it's something that person will genuinely like even if it is only small.

HangingOver · 22/12/2024 09:24

She's only 13 n prob not thinking straight

This is such a bullshit excuse 🤣

AgnesX · 22/12/2024 09:27

I understand where you're coming from. It's not the value but more a lack of consideration and thought.

You're not wrong to feel hurt but teens can be brats to their parents ( and she is 13) so try not to let it get to you.

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 22/12/2024 09:27

Aspargar · 22/12/2024 09:21

I cannot believe you made this into a thing OP and actually spoke to her about it. She’s 13 for crying out loud.

Some adults find it hard to budget, think of good gifts, get it delivered in time and wrapped for Xmas.

I would have been proud to know that she had been putting effort into her Xmas gifts. Yes she fell short by regifting to you but in the Christmas spirit, a parent teaching their child, I would have let this go

If she had done this two/three years in a row, then that’s something else.

I think you’ve been a bit dramatic OP

I'm sorry - I was reserving judgement a bit but after your update I agree. You've put an emotional guilt trip on her and accused her of not caring about you. Your future birthdays are now going to be fraught with anxiety for her over getting it 'right' to your standards. I'm also baffled that you seem to be interpreting her actions as effectively malicious.

I think it's you who has some making up to do now.

Chillilounger · 22/12/2024 09:27

I imagine she blew all the money on her friends and is panicking. She's 13. Let her get. I wouldn't expect a gift from my 13 year old.

visitbreakfast · 22/12/2024 09:29

I wouldn't be bothered by this but I'm not fussed about getting presents and regularly tell my kids to leave me out. That said, I have brought them up form a very young f she to be included in birthday and Christmas shopping for others so it became their norm. Perhaps you DD just didn't think of she hasn't been part of it ordinarily. I mean she could just be thoughtless, I don't know but there is a question of what has happened over previous years which could dictate how she behaves now.

Aspargar · 22/12/2024 09:29

I don’t like the thought that my beloved only child is trying to get out of spending a bit of money on my birthday and thinks I am an idiot.

This reveals so much. You are projecting. You are overacting.

Yes, she could have been trying to squirrel some money away or she could be bad at budgeting, or she could have thought a homemade gift would be appreciated but decided to go the lazy route. She’s 13!

I think you’re putting on a lot of pressure on the kid to come up with birthday and Xmas gifts.

As kids we did buy gifts for our parents etc but the other parents was always with us when shopping. If they had just given us the cash and left us to it, we probably would have done the same! At this age she probably still needs an adult to help guide her- take her to the shops, help to remind her who to buy for, budgeting etc.

Yes this is a part of growing up and she needs to be taught. But this years lesson should have been you accepting the gift in the spirit of Christmas and next year, realise you still have work to do as a parent and teach her how to include everyone in the gift buying.

Now it’s just going to be an awkward trip to the cinema