DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

I know she loves and adores me. We generally have a good relationship and she’s not a bad teenager as they go.

But she can be selfish (like many teenagers).

Her birthday present for next year involves me going halves with her on some concert tickets which are pretty expensive.

I am the main breadwinner in our household. My partner contributes to her upkeep, her biological father doesn’t. I raised her totally singlehanded until 18 months ago when my partner and I moved in together. I work very hard and very long hours.

I guess at some level I feel like I have invested a lot on her, both in terms of money and time. Obviously I don’t regret this and would do it again ant the drop of an hat and I don’t for one moment expect her to feel responsible or guilty about this. It’s my responsibility as the parent and I take this on the chin. But she asks for money a lot (mainly to spend on music). She has an allowance and has to budget from that: she doesn’t get additional money, but there was certainly enough money in the pot between her Christmas money and her allowance for her to buy me a card or a small gift.

But I suppose at nearly 14 years old and knowing I have raised and supported her almost singlehanded I would expect her to think that I deserve a bit more thought than this.

Think this speaks of how little there is going on in OP’s life. Teenager in thoughtless gift scandal. If you’re giving her cash to buy your presents it’s basically a gift from you to you.

My daughter did this once too. Wrapped everyone's presents up in paper as she knew they were things they were fond of.

The difference being - she was 6. Not 13.

Your daughter sounds incredibly childish if for one moment she thinks this is acceptable. Very odd behaviour.

I’d wait to see if she offers to pay at the cinema: she says she’s taking you out, which means she should be making it up to you and footing the bill.

Otherwise she’s wriggling out of it again.

I think it’s shocking behaviour. My mother wouldn’t have accepted it at all and she was the least materialistic person on the planet.

All those people excusing her for being thoughtless, what did they learn as teenagers then? My Dad or a family friend took me out from about age 6/7, and I went out with Mum for Dad’s card and gift. By 13 I was well clued up enough to budget for parents’ birthdays out of my pocket money - none of this being given money by parents specifically to spend on their birthdays, it was budgeted for out of my pocket money. DH was brought up the same and it was the norm in my friendship group too. They were obviously fairly token gifts but by 13 I was giving Mum paperback books by authors I knew she liked or boxes of sweets I knew she could eat as she got migraines with chocolates. It was basic manners.

If you pay for your ticket at the cinema then she’s just getting away again with being cheapskate and thoughtless with her own mother and is turning into a person who over-promises and under-delivers, which is terrible on so many levels. It’s a life lesson. I’d walk away and really teach her that lesson if she doesn’t buy you that ticket.

I agree with a PP that young people today seem to be far less capable and competent than they should be at independent thought and thoughtful behaviour.

Wow. So this is about your return on investment. The return (or potential) comes years later and sometimes never. Didn’t anyone tell you that you shouldn’t give to receive? I think this shows your manners are somewhat lacking. Your DD is still a child.

With respect you could not be more wrong here. There’s loads going on in my life including hugely stressful work situations and illness in the family. Obviously it’s not my DD’s job to overcompensate for this. But your point is just wrong.

I don't see why not, OP had originally given her dd money to buy her and others a present, so dd hopefully still has the money.
No big deal though if dd admits she overspent her budget and doesn't have the money.

This thread took me back to xmas Christmas shopping at Woolworth's in the sixties when I was around 9 or ten. One year I remember giving my dad a hack saw, and my mum got a packet of pink plastic hair rollers. They both appeared over the moon to receive those gifts! Another year, they were equally pleased with him and her cotton hanky sets! These sets were very popular all year round and sold everywhere, but are a thing of the past now (along with a Woolworths in every town).
All paid for by saving my meagre pocket money for weeks before though.

@80smonster

Wow. So this is about your return on investment.

It’s not about return on investment at all and I think I have been pretty clear I don’t expect something expensive.

Its about care and consideration for those closest to you.

Of course it's not dramatic. Op's daughter is 13, not 3. I would understand your viewpoint if the daughter had no money/hadn't bought for anyone else. However, the daughter has bought gifts for aunt and friends (with money Op gave her! ) but not her mum which is a bit of a slap in the face. Obviously she's capable of being able to buy gifts. Even a box of chocolates would have been fine. It's not the present it's the thought and clearly Op's "d"d doesn't think much about her mum.

Then it’s even more so not about the actual money spent but more so that it is the thought that counts! If she can be thoughtful and considerate for others gifts she can do it for her mum too!

I’m honestly not sure that a gift bought for yourself with a teenager as conduit for shopping is necessarily particularly thoughtful?

@80smonster

You sound like an awful parent. You decided to become a parent, so whether you’ve done the job single handedly or with a cast of 5,000, that’s hardly your daughter’s problem. You became a parent = your responsibility. You don’t give to receive - that’s vulgar and common.

I literally said in my post that I accept this is not my daughter’s problem.

I am not talking about the financial value of a gift. I am talking about the idea of making people who love and support you feel you appreciate them.

Yes, you have been clear.

And I hope she DOES pay for the cinema. She has to learn a lesson from this - would she re-gift stuff to her friend's that they knew had been gathering dust in her room for 3 years? Doubt it very much. So don't do it to your mum.

so OP I clicked YABU but I meant YANBU. It’s hurtful and dismissed but I’d let it go

I was on your side until the nonsense about‘ ’investment’ OP.

I understand why you were upset, but the investment stuff is really not a good look. We shouldn’t expect our children to be measured in how much money it’s taken to raise them.

Harsh! And ridiculous.
OP is just giving background info pertinent to the situation and her feelings about it

She didn’t have a strop over a homemade gift, she was hurt that she was gifted something her daughter had already given her 3 years before and had been sat in the house since then! I’m sure OP would have loved a homemade card or gift, not her daughter to just pick something that has been in the house for 3 years and wrap it up!

But if your teenager doesn’t have an income, any gift given has come from you indirectly. That being the case, maybe there needs to be a focus on how money is earned - since something given to you can often not have the same value.

At 13/14 (when she’d struggle to find a job or a way to make money of her own) I actually think it’s not about whose money it is so much as ‘mum mentioned that book, I’ll buy it for her’ or ‘she’d love that scarf she likes purple’ or whatever is super thoughtful at that age. That’s surely what gift giving is?

I’m not the PARENT who has created a MN thread about a gift from a teenager. One which the poster has admitted they funded in the first instance.

You are exactly right, OP. You are teaching your dd a valuable lesson in reciprocity and mutuality which are important in any relationship. It is a lesson many parents neglect to teach these days. Anything with some thought and minimal expenditure - a card, making you some cookies, a massage even (my mum loved those!) - could have done and it is pity that she hadnt spent the time thinking about this.

I think you were right to not let it go. Everyone saying she's only 13 - at what point would you say something? 16? 18? At 13 she is old enough to know it's thoughtless and if she's made the effort for other people she should do the same for her mum.

You sound rather nasty.