DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

er…?

I think you were right to speak to her about it. It’s not like you were expecting a piece of high end jewellery but even a happy birthday hug, card or favourite bar of chocolate shows you’ve been thought of.

We were away one year as my birthday was in the Easter holidays. My husband asked if I wanted to open my gifts before we went I said no I’d rather take them and open on the day. On the day no one remembered to say happy birthday so at 5pm I did say “anyone going to remember it’s my birthday?”

I have never felt so unappreciated in my life

All my mum expected off me at 13 was a card and a cuddle. Though my dad would have provided me with money for a gift for her.

I think a gentle, “Can we talk about the birthday presents you gave me? How would you feel if for your birthday I gave you things that had been lying round the house for three years?”

Then maybe, “I’m feeling quite hurt and unappreciated right now. how do you think we can make this right?”

She’s old enough to start doing some thinking.

I agree that it’s a bit shitty. A 13 year old should be perfectly capable of making a card and buying a box of chocolates.

I still don’t quite get it.

These were things she had made, albeit some time ago. Had she given them to you already when she made them?

If she hadn’t actually given them to you at any point in the past then in your daughters eyes they were things that belonged to her, that she new you liked (so much so that you had one on your desk), so she thought you might like to own them.

If that’s the case then you might want to tread carefully. If she has given you something of hers, that she made, valued, and still owned, then it’s not a nice message to say that it’s not good enough as a gift.

Obviously if she has given you the item already, and is now just giving you the same thing again for a second time, that’s a different matter.

TLDR: things your daughter makes belong to her and are not “household possessions” unless she gives them away.

That’s not gentle, that’s hostile

Some adults find it hard to budget, think of good gifts, get it delivered in time and wrapped for Xmas

And the ones that don’t find this hard: how do you think they learned?

Hopefully she's just missed the point.

As a teen of that age, I remember looking for ways to skim money to buy things I shouldn't, like cigarettes and alcohol. Usually did this my pocketing my lunch money and skipping lunch though. Just keep a close eye amd make sure you know where the money is.

Firstly, I'd find out her train of thought. There could be more thought in it than you think.
After all, is the thought that counts.

If there wasn't much thought, or she sacrificed your present for someone else's, I'd explain how this is not ok to make someone feel inadequate to make another feel good.
I wouldn't make it about being annoyed about present. Remember she is only young x

Hope you're ok,

A card and a cuddle would have been fine. I have been clear that I don’t need her to spend lots of money. But I think giving something to me that everyone knows has been sitting around the house for several years and passing it off as a carefully considered gift is dishonest and a bit sneaky.

I take on board the comments that I should avoid seeking to create an arms race around spending on presents. That’s completely fair. I also recognize that she is a teenager and teenagers are impulsive.

But I do think it matters that children learn to be honest with their loved ones and that they learn to show consideration and respect for the people who raise and care for them.

All resolved for now but I have lots to think about.

Your daughter doesn't think you're an idiot though - she's 13, got it wrong and probably panicked!
My sister regifted some dusty old bath pearls (from the bathroom!) to my mum at a similar age. We both got pocket money but she must have ran out. Her priority was probably her friends and she still is very sociable with a lot of friendships. Although my mum places a lot of emphasis on gifting and is very generous, there was no big drama and it was laughed about. My sister happily grew up into a fairly normal person and became more thoughtful with time!

I'm glad you spoke with her, OP, and she's apologised and is now treating you to something with you this evening.

She hadn't run out of money (that you gave her!); she didn't want to spend any of it on you.

13 is still quite young. When I was that age, my present buying was done under the supervision (and paid for) by parents - with the exception of the gift for the other parent being supervised by the other one if you see what I mean.

Maybe its a sign she's not able yet to manage to budget and buy gifts on her own.

Personally I wouldn't be expecting a 13 year old without their own income to be given money and left to sort it out but I guess families are different.

She’s 13, not 3! All this mollycoddling of a teenager that should absolutely know better. No wonder our younger generations are so wet behind the ears and unable to do anything for themselves.

And why is this forum so rife with competitive martyrdom? It’s ridiculous. It’s not wrong to expect a teenager to get off their arse and show some appreciation and care with a gift on special days. And yes, birthdays should be celebrated and acknowledged, even as an adult.

Glad you spoke to her OP. She’s 13 and showed she is quite capable of thoughtful present buying so it must have hurt that the same thought wasn’t applied to you too. Enjoy your trip out later .

You were right to call her out on it, OP. She was sloppy and lazy and preferred to spend the money on her friends instead. The trip to the cinema will benefit her too. I’d give her a taste of her own medicine at her next birthday.

She's 13 not 3, she should know better.

Of course it’s not hostile to have a chat about why it’s not really okay to wrap old crap up and pretend it’s a gift.

Also, I agree with PO that teenagers siphon off money wherever they can. I didn’t do anything nefarious with saved lunch money, but I did waste an awful lot of money on sweets instead of school lunches!

By example. So showing appreciation for gifts

By supporting. So going with her shopping, helping her draw up a list of names and gift ideas, helping her budgeting etc

Not having a strop because she got a homemade gift

@DangerMouseAndPenfoldx

She made the things for me in a DT class in (I think) year seven. Brought them home and showed them to me and I said I loved them (and I do love them).

But we both know they have been in the house for years and she has not put the slightest bit of thought into this. The way I explained it to her was: how would you feel if I gave you the Nintendo Switch I gave you last year again this year.

I took her shopping last week to buy presents for other family and friends and she put a lot of care into choosing gifts for other family members (with my help and advice). I also know both my partner and her dad have spoken to her about prioritizing a gift for me. But she apparently feels that mum can manage without this level of thought.

I get it: teenagers are thoughtless. We have made up and are friends and are going to the cinema together tonight so I think it’s all good.

I agree with the poster who suggested that an aunt might be able to help in this situation. Suspect DD genuinely thinks this is ok (possibly because of things you’ve said that she’s interpreted in a particular way) or she’s run out of money. When you gave her the money were you explicit that it was for a birthday gift for you as well as the other people named?

As your birthday is 22 Dec I think it will be a long term investment in your relationship for you to make clear that you don’t expect it to be permanently a bit rubbish because it’s too near to Christmas!

You’re the one person she can do it you because she’s knows you will still love her.

but that said I would feel just like you. Glad it’s resolved 💐

Part of being a parent is to guide our children as they become adults, otherwise how will they know what the expectations are.

You are hurt, the conversation with her gives so you an understanding of each other and expectations going forward.

My DS’s didn't bother about Mothers Day as teens, one year. I was hurt, not in a materialistic way but in being appreciated through their time. A conversation has meant this hasn't happened again!

You’re not really going to make her pay for you to go to the cinema, are you? ?