He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

[Birdofpain]

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

Do you have an extremely good solicitor?

If not, you need to get one. Pull out all the stops. Pawn belongings, borrow from family, etc, to hire the best solicitor you can find.

You also need to contact Women's Aid as a matter of urgency.
0808 2000 247

This.
Every word.

Please contact Women's Aid.
0808 2000 247.

If the children have an allocated social worker, Cafcass don’t get involved.

Without background context on why you have been given supervised visits with your child it is hard to say. He clearly has the upper hand here and is making his child suffer in order to punish you.I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

Someone asked earlier OP why are you not allowed on school grounds? It's a small thing but stood out to me. Is that his doing? If you're not a danger to your son or any other child there's no reason for you not to be allowed to school things like plays or sports days. X

This shit needs to stop. All courts should award a 50/50 split with shared Birthday contacts, Christmas holidays split fairly on a rota and phone calls allowed when child/ children with the other parent. Costs for upbringing need to be split right down the middle and each time either parent deviates from this, then it should be logged with family services. Any bad behaviour from either parent needs to be evidenced, then and only then, should the courts look at changing arrangements. Too many kids lose out on relationships with a loving parent because one of them is either jealous, controlling, or just a general dickhead and USE the kids to get back at/ punish/ bully the other. If they can't behave like a reasonable, responsible grown up Parents with the child's best interests at heart, THEN services should intervene. Access should be timetabled right at the beginning with CLEAR instructions ( for those who consider their needs greater than the child's, ie, wants a night out and couldn't bare to miss a party) if a parent is deemed unsafe, with a history of drugs/ violence etc. this needs clearly evidencing right at the beginning - any dv should be taken into account ( even if they never laid a finger on the kids) and BOTH parties should be present and NO ONE should ever take the word of one parent against the other. Only medical/ police records should cut it.
This shit damages children and the grown ups need to do just that! All of them, social workers, judges, police, parents, the whole lot of them. The whole system is total bollocks!!

...and?

Agree with this 100%.

Get an emergency hearing and ask to take your son to see his grandmother who is on end of life. Make it for Christmas day. Attack is the best form of defense here.

I went through the courts but represented myself with the help of a pricey lawyer. I was given resident parent because he lied to the judge multiple times and I proved it.

Indeed. It sounds similar to that case in ?Portsmouth where the mother (who was on MN) finally won on appeal. The judge in that case had been shockingly bad.

What about the case of Sara Sharif custody awarded to the father was that the right decision?

The Sharif case keeps being brought up here. There are threads going where you can talk about that, but to keep making the same point on here is futile. That case is very sad. It's not a lens to see every case through and the point has been answered on here several times here as the mother was abusive too so it doesn't really help to keep citing it like no one's had that thought already.

No it wasn't but it would not have been the right decision to give custody to the mother either. As has been said, the Sharif case was an unusual situation, where both parents were abusive and the father was judged to be the lesser of two evils, literally.
Please don't use this case to make an argument that family courts are biased against the mother as it is a really poor example.

I am sorry, but I think the liklihood of the mother being denied residency and banned from school on the-so of the child's father is vanishingly unlikely.
We are not getting the whole story here.

You'd be surprised. It does happen.

The trouble is, when things go badly wrong in the system, trying to get it addressed in a calm and rational manner whilst hamstrung by lengthy bureaucratic process is a Herculean task.

I've experienced it to a degree, though in very different circumstances, and I've seen it happen to others.

By the time people are desperate enough to try and get attention for their situations they do start to sound completely unhinged. Until you've been there, you do believe "this or that couldn't possibly happen", then when it does, despite having proof in black and white, it gets thrown back as your mental problem. Institutional gas-lighting really does happen.

Due to the lengthy processes, and multi-agency opinions, and differences of such, every day that passes represents further breakdown of relationships between families, which creates a never ending feedback loop of obfuscation and more hurdles to be overcome.

One family can have a huge number if people "involved", some will meet the family, some will just have case notes and opinions to rely on, very rarely is it a smooth, logical process.

I wish the OP well - the whole truth if their situation sounds complex. Being forcibly separated from one's child is traumatic in any circumstance, and is always painted as an absolute last resort. It's far more complex in custody cases with parents pitted against each other, and sometimes frankly enabled by the state.

Am relieved to catch up n read replies that suggest positive possible next moves. I cant pretend theres anything good about the fact there are others -who can attest to the awful reality THIS IS HAPPENING,not a one off situation,not even only in one area-the actual evidence is- generally silenced.
Possibly because of shared scenario- lived experience - it was really distressing several of the initial responses jamp straight into doubt\accusatory tone. Leaning toward or close as gets to suggest op must be delulu/liar. -based on No way that can happen..its not the remit. That wuld rely entirely on the procedure rules/guidlines being implemented. Honesty,transparency and above all-without exception the focus ALWAYs be's on the child-safety\wellbeing and if of age-opinion...This "failure" requires more than one "proffesional" opinion ; it gets voiced/wrote up as "facts" Despite no actual evidence. Actual real documented history re ex/dad being known abuser -ge
ts ignored. doesnt make the swk report.
It is a living hell-absolute state enforced torture and torment.

Can you leave when the kids are old enough to decide where they want to be?

I’m so sorry that you are trapped in this way. He sounds vile.

I was a social worker and have worked for Cafcass. The only situation I can think of where both parents would not be assessed that I can think of is firstly if they asked not to be included; secondly, if they continually failed to attend appointments or respond within a reasonable time frame. Even if the parent was in prison, hospital, rehab or psychiatric unit, we would still interview them and request assessments from relevant professionals.
I would request a copy of all assessments relating to the case. Be clear about evidence and facts; you're wrong if you think professionals would be hoodwinked by the father as we have experience to see this behaviour for what it is.
You're not explaining what's really going on
Maybe professionals feel you project everything onto the father rather than talk about yourself and your situation. Just saying

There is a substantial backstory, because OP has posted before (and think more than once)

OP: I am glad your MH assessment is now normal. I hope it remains that way.

I'm not sure posting a partial story in AIBU is going to get you advice that will be helpful

I’m not completely sure what you’re referring to as I didn’t see previous posts, but I suspect you’re referring to mental health concerns which is what I suggested upthread?

I’m going take a guess and a say a very clever narcissistic man who totally uses psychological abusive and presents well to professionals. Not always substance abuse. Sadly, this isn’t that rare

This case

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4537767-another-legal-win-thanks-to-feminists-an-important-appeal-at-circuit-judge-level

If you have a read of this it shows a lot of general background to how women are very poorly served by family courts, even where domestic abuse has been inflicted by the male partner

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/domestic-abuse-allegations-family-courts-b2061600.html

‘I’m glad your mental health assessment is now normal’?! What does that even mean?

as we have experience to see this behaviour for what it is

Sorry but professionals get this wrong ALL THE TIME