Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

238 replies

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 02:00

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 22/12/2024 09:33

Allergictoironing · 22/12/2024 09:30

I think the "penis" reference was more an example of the level of ridiculousness of the accusations against the OP. It's a physical thing that can easily be proved/disproved, yet the ex's word was taken and the evidence that he was lying was ignored. I suppose another easy to prove/disprove thing would be that she could have been accused of something like self harming by cutting, when there were no signs on the body that she was or had ever been cutting.

Unfortunately any mental processes or illnesses aren't quite as black & white to prove or disprove, but in those cases reports from a medical professional should be taken rather than the opinions of a party interested in things being one way, which doesn't seem to have happened in this case. Medical professional says person is genuinely ill, interested party says it's all hypochondria, who should you believe?

You might be right- but it's a bit garbled and an odd example to pick.

Also, why was there police involvement and gathering of information?

harriethoyle · 22/12/2024 09:35

There is SUCH a backstory here. Without it no one can usefully comment.

Tandora · 22/12/2024 09:38

Katypp · 22/12/2024 07:55

This is not our experience

Who is “our”?

Victoriancat · 22/12/2024 09:46

I'm sorry but I can't be entirely your side without some backstory tbh

DeepRoseFish · 22/12/2024 09:46

Given that most judges are male there absolutely is an issue with misogyny in the family court system.

We live in a patriarchal society.

Misogyny is the water in which we all swim.

dreamer24 · 22/12/2024 09:47

harriethoyle · 22/12/2024 09:35

There is SUCH a backstory here. Without it no one can usefully comment.

Agree

Merrychristmastome1 · 22/12/2024 09:47

This story honestly makes me feel sick. I'm so, sorry for you.
I am in an abusive relationship and this is one of the reasons I stay. I know my partner keeps secret notes on me, despite the fact the reason I'm quite is probably because he's just shouted and sworn and me.

DeepRoseFish · 22/12/2024 09:51

Merrychristmastome1 · 22/12/2024 09:47

This story honestly makes me feel sick. I'm so, sorry for you.
I am in an abusive relationship and this is one of the reasons I stay. I know my partner keeps secret notes on me, despite the fact the reason I'm quite is probably because he's just shouted and sworn and me.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Have you got any support from women’s aid?

What you are describing sounds like reactive abuse. It’s a common tactic for an abusive man to claim you are the abusive one when you react to their bad behaviour.

4forksache · 22/12/2024 09:57

Taking the ops post on face value and that the ex manipulated the court, why has it taken two years for you to get to this point op?
You sound very articulate, and you have evidence (even more so after this episode). Get legal advice and pursue it that way. That’s the best advice we can give. Might be worth contacting Woman’s Aid too, for advice. They will have seen and heard all this before.

Merrychristmastome1 · 22/12/2024 09:59

DeepRoseFish · 22/12/2024 09:51

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Have you got any support from women’s aid?

What you are describing sounds like reactive abuse. It’s a common tactic for an abusive man to claim you are the abusive one when you react to their bad behaviour.

Honestly, if I ask him to help in the house I'm told I'm abusive. I'm literally traumatised by the relationship but honestly, reading this just makes me more certain I'll never leave.
I'd love to know what "evidence" these abusive men are presenting again their abused partner. I'm scared I'm monitored and recorded. Not that I do anything bad but I'm honestly in hell.

oakleaffy · 22/12/2024 10:10

There must be a really valid reason why your son isn't allowed to live with you.
Why not go via a contact centre in future?

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 22/12/2024 10:17

@M@Merrychristmastome1 the courts don’t remove custody from a parent purely on the basis that the other parent pitches up in court and makes a load of allegations so convincing that the other parent is refused the right of reply. They don’t.

There is absolutely a backstory here, and the fact that OP has pretty much brushed over said backstory is a fairly clear indication that she knows that if she tells it posters will make their own judgements.

I’m not saying that the man isn’t abusive. He may well be, but just because one parent is abusive doesn’t mean the other one is a perfect parent either.

In Sara Sharif’s case there was iirc abuse on both sides, so the poor girl didn’t stand a chance.

Candy24 · 22/12/2024 10:20

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 22/12/2024 10:17

@M@Merrychristmastome1 the courts don’t remove custody from a parent purely on the basis that the other parent pitches up in court and makes a load of allegations so convincing that the other parent is refused the right of reply. They don’t.

There is absolutely a backstory here, and the fact that OP has pretty much brushed over said backstory is a fairly clear indication that she knows that if she tells it posters will make their own judgements.

I’m not saying that the man isn’t abusive. He may well be, but just because one parent is abusive doesn’t mean the other one is a perfect parent either.

In Sara Sharif’s case there was iirc abuse on both sides, so the poor girl didn’t stand a chance.

This there has to be a reason. It maybe a stupid one but still.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/12/2024 10:21

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/12/2024 05:21

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but are you saying the courts accused you of having a penis?

No, I think a social work/guardian (non medic probably) etc thought that she had some mental illness on the insistance of abusive ex. (Anxiety, fii, depression) But she doesn't and can prove she doesn't. The medics can prove she doesn't but the social worker/guardian/etc are so convinced she has it that her saying she doesn't have this I just shows she has "no insight" very common in fii accusations.

It's heads I win, tails you lose.

If you try to prove you don't have fii then that is a symptom of fii. (Common for undiagnosed autistic parents to be accused of fii according to the autism magazines, not done proper research to check)

oakleaffy · 22/12/2024 10:24

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 22/12/2024 10:17

@M@Merrychristmastome1 the courts don’t remove custody from a parent purely on the basis that the other parent pitches up in court and makes a load of allegations so convincing that the other parent is refused the right of reply. They don’t.

There is absolutely a backstory here, and the fact that OP has pretty much brushed over said backstory is a fairly clear indication that she knows that if she tells it posters will make their own judgements.

I’m not saying that the man isn’t abusive. He may well be, but just because one parent is abusive doesn’t mean the other one is a perfect parent either.

In Sara Sharif’s case there was iirc abuse on both sides, so the poor girl didn’t stand a chance.

''I could have been the worst parent on the planet but almost all parents should still see their children when it’s safe (which is is) to do so.''

{Cut and paste direct quote from op}

There must have been a really substantial back story here.

Courts should always put the Child's safety and wellbeing first.

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 10:28

Workingclasslass · 22/12/2024 09:05

Well, look at that poor girl that just got murdered to that man he had custody of her yet he was abusive of his ex Polish girlfriend and she lost custody didn’t she?

In that case the mother was also abusive/neglectful and at the time of the father's application he was judged the safer parent. It's not as if they removed her from a safe parent just to place her with an abuser.

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 10:28

Workingclasslass · 22/12/2024 09:06

Well please tell me why the Polish mother of that Sarah that got killed by her dad wasn’t allowed custody of that child and she stayed with a very abusive man until she got killed so sorry I do not believe that the family courts get everything right

Because the mother was also neglecting Sara

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 10:29

JollyHollyMe · 22/12/2024 09:25

Are you on the birth certificate as a parent (or reissued post adoption certificate)

She's the mother, of course she is

InaChristmastizz · 22/12/2024 10:30

AnarchismUK · 22/12/2024 05:31

HRTFT, just going off your OP, I think you've posted before. It's disingenuous to post without the whole story. I don't want to hurt you, but there are reasons a three year old is given to an abusive dad and a DM with no apparent issues is given an hour supervised a week.

Get advice and follow it.

Usually because the Judge is male and a misogynist. HTH?

pinkdelight · 22/12/2024 10:32

I think the "penis" reference was more an example of the level of ridiculousness of the accusations against the OP. It's a physical thing that can easily be proved/disproved, yet the ex's word was taken and the evidence that he was lying was ignored. I suppose another easy to prove/disprove thing would be that she could have been accused of something like self harming by cutting, when there were no signs on the body that she was or had ever been cutting.

So just give the cutting example. The penis example is pretty nutty and doesn't help OP sound well and reliable. There's a lot missing from this story so it's very hard to give advice. It's extremely rare for a mother to have a custody set-up as exclusionary as she describes and other things like the guardian simply not bothering with her don't seem to add up. There are court failings for sure but something bigger is going on here and wacky penis examples are obfuscating not clarifying the situation.

ButtonMoon5 · 22/12/2024 10:35

AConcernedCitizen · 22/12/2024 02:38

It sounds like he has serious concerns about your ability to parent your child, and given your arrangements, at some point the authorities have agreed with this.

I expect the backstory is actually quite relevant.

What an unpleasant comment. Please read up on how abusive men behave. They can turn on the charm when needed (to the outside world) but really destroy the person they are abusing.

With attitudes like this, but is no wonder abusive men get away with it so often.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 22/12/2024 10:38

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 10:29

She's the mother, of course she is

Tbh it’s hard to tell given her references to having/not having a penis.

The courts have given sole residency to the father with 0 visitation to the OP. They have said that he can give her reasonable access, which has been 5 hours a week. She is not permitted access to his medical records, he doesn’t stay over. So it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that she’s not biologically his parent, although he may be adopted.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 22/12/2024 10:40

ButtonMoon5 · 22/12/2024 10:35

What an unpleasant comment. Please read up on how abusive men behave. They can turn on the charm when needed (to the outside world) but really destroy the person they are abusing.

With attitudes like this, but is no wonder abusive men get away with it so often.

It is practically unheard of for a court to award 0 residency or visitation.

We don’t know about the man in question here, but there will absolutely be a reason why this is the case.

YourWildAmberSloth · 22/12/2024 10:42

Eyresandgraces · 22/12/2024 03:17

Sara Sharif’s father was given custody of his dc. The authorities don’t always get it right.

True, although in that case Sara was removed from an abusive mother. Not saying that OP is, but something isn't adding up here, the backstory is relevant. Op is right to say that even if she were the worst mum in the world, her concerns should be listened to. The problem is, the backstory might be the reason that she isn't listened to. I hope there is a resolution for the sake of this child.

Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 10:43

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 10:28

In that case the mother was also abusive/neglectful and at the time of the father's application he was judged the safer parent. It's not as if they removed her from a safe parent just to place her with an abuser.

That’s what I was going to say, the sad thing is Sara’s own mum wasn’t great either.

So I think the courts were deciding between who they thought was “least worse”.

They did of course get it wrong since he turned out to off the charts evil, and ended her life - but it wasn’t all happy families with her mum either.

It’s sad that she didn’t have one decent parent :/