He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

[Birdofpain]

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

They don’t - they won’t even handle any element of my complaint and my MP can’t get anywhere either judicial review is my only option now

I’ve been on MN for donkeys years. At no point have I ever seen a non resident parent criticised for going on holiday at a point when they don’t have contact with their child.

I’d imagine that the responses generally might be different if the OP was a man but there is probably a reason for that as others have touched on. Namely domestic abuse.

I'm am so sorry OP - stories like yours are exactly why family courts should not be secret.

This is how society is allowed to get away with promoting the myth that women are favoured in family courts (hello Fathers4Justice), when in fact studies show the opposite is true. The unfairness you've experienced is misogyny.

What you've said here:
My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy.

is unfortunately quite common, and is how domestic abusers get their own way. They are often capable of making themselves look very good, while reducing their opponent to looking like a gibbering fool in their shadow.

Without outside judgment to rein them in, some judges are perfectly happy to flippantly act on emotion and superficial impressions rather than actual evidence. Usually women suffer.

In terms of solutions, you will have to contact Women's Aid for advice. I would say he is continuing to abuse you remotely via coercive and controlling behaviour, which is surely a crime? The only thing I can think of doing is reporting him to the police for this, and also making an emergency social services report.

This is Mums net, it is not for males thank you. Go grind your mysogynistic axe elsewhere Martin

OP you need specialist legal advice, you're unlikely to get it here. Have you tried Rights of Women?

This sums it up, op yes this is obvious but this is all just your version

That's why in threads like this I try to just offer neutral advice.

We can only provide advice by taking what she has said at face value.

In the recent Sara Sharif case, Sara was given to her father despite evidence of his history of severe domestic violence.

The reason, according to Sara's mother, was that she had smacked Sara's bottom for exposing herself to a teenager. She could only have been 6 years old at the time, indicating bad parenting on the mother's part - reacting to signs of possible sexual abuse with a smack is awful. However, it is ignorance rather than malice.

Either way, the authorities ignored evidence of Urfan Sharif's much more severe behaviour.

Sometimes, courts would rather give a child to an abusive father than an imperfect mother.

I am therefore willing to overlook OP skimming over her part in what led to her child's removal, as she knows she will just get judgement from Mumsnet and not the practical advice she is seeking for the situation now.

I agree.

#Ibelieveyou doesnt (or shouldnt) just apply to rape and sexual assault but to all abuse of women. I had a broken dislocated finger, a smashed up face and could barely speak thanks to attempted strangulation, but I was only not arrested for scratching my ex's face during his assault on me after I got told, very sternly, that I shouldnt have "attacked him back" and I was lucky that they were being lenient because my kids were in the house. I was defending myself!

How many men have we all met with the "psycho ex"? And another, and another. Yet very few people wonder about who is the common denominator. Up until we ourselves become the latest psycho ex......

Sometimes, courts would rather give a child to an abusive father than an imperfect mother.

So sadly true.

As we know, the bare minimum from a man makes him a hero, one error from the mother makes her a villain.

You HAVE to raise this. You have to contact Women's Aid but also find your local domestic abuse service. You need to have a case worker. You need support to sort this out.
I don't know what kind of kangaroo court and set up you've been through. It sounds unbelievably derelict. You MUST lodge a formal complaint against the person who wrote a negative report about you having never even met you.
You MUST get support.

You haven't told us here the backstory. As to why custody of then 3 year old child was awarded to the father. I understand that supervised meetings weren't set up, so presumably then there was no concern about you being with your son. But as to frequency and access, it was going to be left to the father to allow you 'reasonable contact'. This seems practically delinquent on the part of the judge. How on earth, in a situation of conflict, could one parent be given all the power like that? Extraordinary.

I am worried, OP, as to what happened that meant the judge thought the father should have all the power. And worried as to why people are writing negative reports about you. You need to address this I feel. So you need support to do this.

Could you not later this morning contact child services and explain what he's done, and see how they can support? I don't know much about how this works, though - which is why I really think you should start by calling women's aid. Refuge is also amazing. And the National Domestic Abuse helpline.

@Birdofpain . i'm so sorry this is where your at. For what its worth..I believe you. All youve said.I lived this. Nothing close to protect\focus on child.absolute they do not deal in facts.and yup...they repeatedly point out...you come across kinda manic-very emotionaly charged- (when -seperated from child -barely thrown crumbs re contact etc.branded hystericl.deranged -aye-they absolutely do. ..Despite masses of actual evidence support all you say. they all ENFORCE child to stay with abuser.
i believe you.
are you in uk? Do you have advocacy?

im gony read what else is be said n come back.
but 1st. I cant scroll by quietly @MartinCrieffsLemon . "I'd quite like to know the backstory which allowed an abusive man to have main custody
I thought the mother was usually more favoured for that
Which would make me think substance abuse may be a part of the backstory?
You're also in another country but want contact, a man would be slaughtered on here for daring to leave his chilfd like that"

Cant let it slide.with respect - Thats horrific,condesending at best - "id quite like to know".." I thought the mother".. "make me think substance.." First 2 could put down t absolutely no concept \empty...make you think looks like a absolute liabilty..gtiven resulted in unjustified insult.
i dnt think/culd be wrong said she in alt country.was go for xmas day.
want contact ?? it waas in plce.HE cancelled. ALL bad enough- the man be slaughtered.nothin to compare-- so damaging

Op is the country you’re in, and the country your son and ex in relevant? As does either hold less rights for a mother because the man is favoured or are you and him in eg Ireland and uk? I’d say you need to start being strategic and fight but not battle if you know what I mean? What do your family think? Can they help?

Have you acknowledged whatever led to him being given sole custody in the first place? Because whatever you are attempting to achieve, there’s no way a judge would award full custody with no overnights without a valid reason.

Even if things have now changed, acknowledging your part here is crucial to moving forward.

Forget Christmas, you’re not going to be able to change that. You need to look at getting proper residence in place.

I also think it was wrong to build your DS up to a sleepover so far in advance. If your ex is as volatile as you say, you’re just setting him up for disappointment.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but are you saying the courts accused you of having a penis?

HRTFT, just going off your OP, I think you've posted before. It's disingenuous to post without the whole story. I don't want to hurt you, but there are reasons a three year old is given to an abusive dad and a DM with no apparent issues is given an hour supervised a week.

Get advice and follow it.

She’s visiting family overseas, she didn’t move abroad and leave her son.

CottonCandyLand

ah ok, I thought he’d moved home with the son or some sort of a set up like that

You've applied for a hearing already so going to court in person and asking for another hearing won't help. Did you apply for an emergency hearing?
You talked about catastrophic failure from the LA but it's the guardian who recommended this arrangement?

I think she's using that as an example

She's already contact children's services and no they can't do anything when there is a court order in place. They have no power to override a court order.

Odd example to use

100% get Womens Aid or local domestic abuse services involved. You're allowed to have them attend court now, they don't have to be on the court directions under new guidance that came out.

“Why things like ‘this mum has a penis’ and I’m saying no I don’t? I can provide doctors letters saying I don’t have a penis. I can SHOW you that I don’t have a penis. But then it will be ‘she cannot accept that she has a penis. She has no insight’”

OP, why on earth was this raised? Are you the child’s birth mother?