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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

238 replies

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 02:00

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:26

Yes, that is what it was

OP posts:
Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 17:28

OP, either use the ‘quote’ function or @ people so that the poster can read your response.

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:28

I do, but I’m paralysed by it all. I need someone to help me do this, but advocates are thin on the ground and I feel it would take someone extraordinarily invested in pursuing the truth and god knows who would want to fight on my behalf. I will fight for the next mother that’s for sure. I have asked my MP ‘who holds social services to account’ and they don’t know / or don’t know yet

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 17:35

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:28

I do, but I’m paralysed by it all. I need someone to help me do this, but advocates are thin on the ground and I feel it would take someone extraordinarily invested in pursuing the truth and god knows who would want to fight on my behalf. I will fight for the next mother that’s for sure. I have asked my MP ‘who holds social services to account’ and they don’t know / or don’t know yet

You talk about social services but isn't it cafcass who have recommended your son lives with his father with minimal contact?

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:37

It’s true. All I say is true. I want to tell you all the full story but I’m too scared of being outed and the consequences of this. If I am wrong or misunderstood I would be so so so so thankful for you wise ladies to point it out so that I can change. My psych assessment said no mental health other than the trauma. No criminal record. No substance abuse. I didn’t stand a chance. I was only asked a few questions on WhatsApp by the sw for my ‘assessment’. No hoops to jump. I have an email whereby I’m begging the sw to work with me, tell me what I need to do, what have I done that’s so bad this has to be the course of action? They told me they won’t reply to any emails. Throughout they said I could complain after court, when I did they told me they won’t even look at the complaint as far as they are concerned I had t chance in court. But I didn’t have any kind of chance at all, it needs to be public knowledge so that this cannot happen to any other woman and child again.

OP posts:
Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 18:03

OP If you want to reply to someone / a specific post you can hit quote or tag them like this @Birdofpain

harriethoyle · 22/12/2024 18:31

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:26

I’d love to ask you in private if you have been a social worker as I can’t get any answers anywhere and I don’t understand how this could happen on no evidence!!!!!!! It’s terrifying & should terrify you all. I am fully prepared to go public and make a scene but I have to exhaust the legal channels first.

Why didn’t you appeal the original decision if you want to exhaust the legal channels?

tolerable · 22/12/2024 18:35

@Birdofpain .
I believe you. Absolutely.
going public most probli best avoided. I don't want hijack post/details of us. Same scene, history, evidence should AV = protect my child.
where u at.you can private message on here. I.ll go check how

Tandora · 22/12/2024 19:24

I’m so sorry and I believe you @Birdofpain

Treesinthewind · 23/12/2024 13:22

I believe you.
Those who naively think that "good" mothers never have their rights taken away must have never gone through the family courts or been friends with someone who has.
Abuse wears women down so, so much that they will agree to anything their partner/ex says. And these men can be incredibly persuasive to judges/CAFCASS etc.
Women who have had substance issues or mental health difficulties are especially likely to be caught by this.

Treesinthewind · 23/12/2024 13:27

This lady and organisation might be able to help:

https://x.com/centrewj?s=21

https://x.com/nataliepagee_?s=21

Treesinthewind · 23/12/2024 13:30

And this one: x.com/elizabeth_gra35?s=21
You are not alone.

Birdofpain · 23/12/2024 16:08

Those links are amazing! Well in answer to appeal, for some reason my barrister went down another legal issue and I didn’t get permission to appeal. I’m hoping that this time I will make damn sure I meet the guardian and have one who understands what I’ve been through and won’t judge me as paranoid and projecting / misunderstanding ‘tough love’. Seriously. So anyway he had a client in a similar situation who began a legal blog anonymously called ‘surviving safeguarding’. I loop and loop and loop all day long and I am trapped on this cycle of not understanding how a system can fail a family for the simple reason of are covering and a personality clash. I used to have so much faith in social workers. So did my parents. And friends, and any professional out with this nightmare who have been gobsmacked. The only intervention I did was called VIG after the fact and she told me my case kept her up at night. I saw my MP last week and she said that they shut down them too. So I asked well aren’t the local authorities accountable to the government? She isn’t sure. So I think maybe writing an anonymous blog with my full story on it so you can read it that way? I’m neurodivergent so that too sealed my fate. What I don’t understand is how it happened. That nobody involved in my life or my care was spoken to. That I wasn’t assessed or observed. That they can literally fabricate things. An example would be that (and this isn’t true just trying to find an analogy) say my son was born with a birthmark that looked like a nasty bruise. I would be accused of harming him but I would provide the medical records stating my son was born with a birthmark. I would even circulate this in court. Yet the social worker went on to give a ranting overture about how I had caused this bruise from negligence. I mean how can you wrap your head around that? Practice direction 12J was entirely ignored. Judge deferred to the sw who hadn’t assessed me, written falsely id been charged (!!!!) didn’t have sight of the police disclosure which was initiated so late it was of no use in court, wrote that I am the perpetrator by way of projecting onto this poor man that he was only trying to help me

OP posts:
Pinkdhalia · 23/12/2024 18:19

He doesn’t see and isn concerned about what his narcissistic self is doing to his son! Keep doing what you are doing gather evidence any non important facts and information. YES the court must be prioritising your case take advice from posts on this page about Christmas evidence and getting a good lawyer! Good luck.

Iceboy80 · 23/12/2024 18:34

Hmmmm something not right here, your ABUSIVE ex has full custody and you havent had your child overnight in 2 years, if this were the other way round with a mother doing that to a father I could understand as courts MASSIVELY favour the mother (even the bad ones and they do exist) but not in this case!

worrisome34 · 23/12/2024 18:37

Haven't rtft so sorry if I've missed it. But I'm really confused how op can have no rights like this. If the ex is a criminal with failed drug tests who is denying contact with his child's mum I feel this would be looked on very unfavourably by a court.

I don't understand how is allowed to do this to the op and her son. There must be more to it. Did he simply not return your ds one day op? If authorities are involved and you've been deemed to be a loving parent then I'm not sure how he can just stop contact. It isn't up to him.

InkHeart2024 · 23/12/2024 18:48

Iceboy80 · 23/12/2024 18:34

Hmmmm something not right here, your ABUSIVE ex has full custody and you havent had your child overnight in 2 years, if this were the other way round with a mother doing that to a father I could understand as courts MASSIVELY favour the mother (even the bad ones and they do exist) but not in this case!

I don't know where the belief that courts massively favour the mother comes from. In my extensive professional experience courts tend to promote contact with fathers at all costs, despite many of those fathers being abusive and neglectful. Many fathers complain that courts favour the mother because they've been perfectly happy for the mother to be the SAHM/part time/default parent until they split up and they get upset that courts favour the status quo rather than favouring the mother.

Pixiedust88 · 23/12/2024 20:40

It’s a horrible situation to be in where your ex is trying to alienate your son from you. Get yourself a solicitor ASAP, preferably one specialising in childcare law. If there’s DV with evidence such as GP/hospital records, a conviction or caution or police logs detailing it then you should qualify for legal aid. If you’re working they’ll do a means assessment to check your financial situation. If you’re not and get benefits you should qualify financially

FlappingMadly · 23/12/2024 20:51

OP I'm sorry. You sound very upset and understandably so. What you can do is prepare a present for your son and a card and at some point he can see you never forgot him.and always tried.
However, sth is not adding up here. Why do you not have custody? Why no agreed access?

croydon15 · 23/12/2024 21:13

I have no answer, I'm so sorry for you and even more for your DC, hope 2025 will bring you some resolution. Try to get a recommendation from Women Aid for a good lawyer which should make a difference. Sending you hugs.

Exposingthetruth · 23/12/2024 21:32

I believe you.

I too have suffered injustice at the hands of corrupt, lying Social Workers.

I really hope your next court hearing brings you joint custody (better still full custody, but I won't hold my breath for that) xx

Feelingsad1987 · 23/12/2024 21:37

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 03:20

We had one in last hearing. He hoodwinked him so much sl the guardian didn’t even meet me yet wrote a report against me

That's disgusting the guardian didn't even meet you!

shehasglasses48 · 23/12/2024 21:52

I agree. Can you give some background as to why you lost custody?

StarCourt · 23/12/2024 22:09

i think backstory is needed

Peopleinmyphone · 23/12/2024 22:53

I know someone who was able to get a shared care order for his child. He kept any text messages proving he was trying to stick to what was agreed in mediation and every time the ex said no or messed him about. He had to prove mediation hadn't worked to get the day in court from what I understand, and it did cost money. He also paid child support consistently.

I understand this situation sounds completely different but my advice would be document everytime you ask for something consistent with the court agreement and he refuses or messes you about.

I'm sorry you're going to be worried for your child. Maybe ask if you can have a phone call with him at the very least, and document if your ex says no.

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