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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

238 replies

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 02:00

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

OP posts:
Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 10:46

pinkdelight · 22/12/2024 10:32

I think the "penis" reference was more an example of the level of ridiculousness of the accusations against the OP. It's a physical thing that can easily be proved/disproved, yet the ex's word was taken and the evidence that he was lying was ignored. I suppose another easy to prove/disprove thing would be that she could have been accused of something like self harming by cutting, when there were no signs on the body that she was or had ever been cutting.

So just give the cutting example. The penis example is pretty nutty and doesn't help OP sound well and reliable. There's a lot missing from this story so it's very hard to give advice. It's extremely rare for a mother to have a custody set-up as exclusionary as she describes and other things like the guardian simply not bothering with her don't seem to add up. There are court failings for sure but something bigger is going on here and wacky penis examples are obfuscating not clarifying the situation.

Yeah completely agree with this. I used to work in social services and I feel we are missing some vital information .

This is just a guess but I suspect there are some strong mental health concerns.

standardduck · 22/12/2024 10:50

OP, I think the backstory of very important here otherwise people can't properly advise.

Why are you not allowed anywhere near his school?

JollyHollyMe · 22/12/2024 11:02

InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 10:29

She's the mother, of course she is

At no point does the poster say that they are the biological mother or that they are female.
They use the word mum-once - in relation to an allegation that the 'mum' has a penis.

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 11:04

The level of misogyny in the family courts is a massive problem. The family courts aren’t trauma-informed enough either, and considering the amount of trauma that is usually prevalent in such cases this is highly problematic. Women should not have to force themselves not to show any emotion for fear of being labelled ‘emotionally unstable’. I despair.

We do not know the backstory here, but just taking the OP on face value it seems like she experienced DV from her ex, which impacted her physical and mental health. If this is the case, getting an expert witness could be invaluable (although costly) - a clinical psychologist who is an expert in trauma and can attest to the impact DV can have on a persons mental health. Many CP’s, myself included, have a feminist perspective and are well versed in rebutting the usual narratives around women being ‘crazy’ and all that gaslighting. This can really help in court.

Wishing you all the best OP.

pinkdelight · 22/12/2024 11:06

JollyHollyMe · 22/12/2024 11:02

At no point does the poster say that they are the biological mother or that they are female.
They use the word mum-once - in relation to an allegation that the 'mum' has a penis.

Oh okay - can you spell out what's happening then because it's not clear to me?

JollyHollyMe · 22/12/2024 11:06

pinkdelight · 22/12/2024 11:06

Oh okay - can you spell out what's happening then because it's not clear to me?

I dont have a clue.
It was not that odd until the post about the allegation made that the OP has a penis!

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 11:10

JollyHollyMe · 22/12/2024 11:06

I dont have a clue.
It was not that odd until the post about the allegation made that the OP has a penis!

I think this was just an example given as something that was made up but can be easily disproved, however it was just blindly believed without being checked.

pinkdelight · 22/12/2024 11:13

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 11:10

I think this was just an example given as something that was made up but can be easily disproved, however it was just blindly believed without being checked.

So people keep saying, but as others keep saying - pretty odd example to give. Even more so in the light of what @JollyHollyMe points out.

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 11:18

pinkdelight · 22/12/2024 11:13

So people keep saying, but as others keep saying - pretty odd example to give. Even more so in the light of what @JollyHollyMe points out.

People love an excuse to bring up the trans rhetoric on MN.

Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 11:21

They do indeed but I think in this case it’s understandable. I agree with others if was an example it was a really strange one to use. And may give an insight into what’s going on.

Hopefully @Birdofpain can come back on and clarify.

Katypp · 22/12/2024 12:52

Tandora · 22/12/2024 09:38

Who is “our”?

Well obviously you know this but are trying to make some sort of point?
Please explain.

Katypp · 22/12/2024 12:56

DeepRoseFish · 22/12/2024 09:46

Given that most judges are male there absolutely is an issue with misogyny in the family court system.

We live in a patriarchal society.

Misogyny is the water in which we all swim.

Given that main residence is overwhelmingly given to the mother if not 50-50, how on earth do you reach this conclusion?
I know MN is massively skewed towards women being helpless victims of evil men, but the family courts stats will taken some twisted logic to conclude they are biased against women.

MrsSlocombesCat · 22/12/2024 13:08

sesquipedalian · 22/12/2024 06:31

“Why things like ‘this mum has a penis’ and I’m saying no I don’t? I can provide doctors letters saying I don’t have a penis. I can SHOW you that I don’t have a penis. But then it will be ‘she cannot accept that she has a penis. She has no insight’”

OP, why on earth was this raised? Are you the child’s birth mother?

It wasn't raised. 🙄 It was a metaphor.

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 13:11

@Katypp I don’t think you understand misogyny, or have experience with the family courts. I am an expert witness who often works in this context, usually I am instructed to write reports for women who have been gaslighted and manipulated by their male ex partner as being ‘crazy’, ‘unstable’, ‘mentally ill’ etc when actually their ex was abusive. This behaviour is ubiquitous in the family courts. Labels of ‘personality disorder’ are put on abused women to pathologise them and attempt to discredit their case. There is absolutely a problem with misogyny in the family court system and many other systems, such as the police and healthcare. This is precisely what misogyny is - systemic bias against women. If you can’t see it, it’s because you’ve normalised it or you are wilfully blind.

MrsSlocombesCat · 22/12/2024 13:15

JollyHollyMe · 22/12/2024 09:12

The op has a long post as part of this thread about allegations as to wether or not they have a penis
i didn’t bring it up - the op did

FFS it was a metaphor. I can't believe people can be this stupid.

Merrychristmastome1 · 22/12/2024 13:16

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 13:11

@Katypp I don’t think you understand misogyny, or have experience with the family courts. I am an expert witness who often works in this context, usually I am instructed to write reports for women who have been gaslighted and manipulated by their male ex partner as being ‘crazy’, ‘unstable’, ‘mentally ill’ etc when actually their ex was abusive. This behaviour is ubiquitous in the family courts. Labels of ‘personality disorder’ are put on abused women to pathologise them and attempt to discredit their case. There is absolutely a problem with misogyny in the family court system and many other systems, such as the police and healthcare. This is precisely what misogyny is - systemic bias against women. If you can’t see it, it’s because you’ve normalised it or you are wilfully blind.

This is my current experience in my relationship. My partner told everyone his ex had personality disorder. I apparently have personality disorder too. I honestly couldn't even verbalise the trauma of the psychological abuse and the thought of leaving and having him further destroy me just makes me scared to leave.

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 13:22

@Merrychristmastome1 I am so sorry to hear this. He sounds a nasty piece of work. Honestly his pseudo diagnosis of you is worth absolutely nothing, there are plenty of professionals like me who can see right through it. But I can understand how scared you must be as he sounds psychologically abusive. Have you got anyone you can confide in IRL? Could you contact Women’s Aid? Please don’t feel you have to live like this. You can be free. You deserve more.

Tandora · 22/12/2024 13:38

Katypp · 22/12/2024 12:52

Well obviously you know this but are trying to make some sort of point?
Please explain.

No I don’t know, why would I know? I was wondering who you were referring to other than yourself?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 22/12/2024 13:56

MrsSlocombesCat · 22/12/2024 13:15

FFS it was a metaphor. I can't believe people can be this stupid.

It isn't a metaphor. It's a false proposition or an absurd proposition.

It's a bizarre example to pick.

Tandora · 22/12/2024 14:05

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 22/12/2024 13:56

It isn't a metaphor. It's a false proposition or an absurd proposition.

It's a bizarre example to pick.

It was picked as an example of an accusation that would be patently absurd and easy to debunk.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 22/12/2024 17:00

Tandora · 22/12/2024 14:05

It was picked as an example of an accusation that would be patently absurd and easy to debunk.

It's still not a metaphor. It's a bizzare example of a false accusation.

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:20

I would dearly love to share, I really would, but I can’t take the risk that I wouldn’t be outed. I have no socials now because these always find me and screen grab and twist it and it’s also really disconcerting to know I’m being watched. I don’t know how they do it as I name change, location change but still they do

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:23

I’m only going to Wales. And I fought very hard for my son to come too as his grandmother is end of life and wants to see him before she dies. Son wants to go. He’s said no.

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:24

Yes I am, I gave birth to my son when ex was industry for assault. This is why I cannot understand anything.

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:26

I’d love to ask you in private if you have been a social worker as I can’t get any answers anywhere and I don’t understand how this could happen on no evidence!!!!!!! It’s terrifying & should terrify you all. I am fully prepared to go public and make a scene but I have to exhaust the legal channels first.

OP posts: