He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

[Birdofpain]

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

also this. https://frg.org.uk/a-guide-to-using-our-advice-and-advocacy-service/?_gl=11umrixt_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=CjwKCAiAg8S7BhATEiwAO2-R6kKWd1tX3KsxgPzz-2syI6rhOZWgss20rVeo-lB8h02H6axdciRGdxoCVTYQAvD_BwE

I know how awful it is to try to convey all the ridiculous shit thats gone on without starting to sound like your as mentality disturbed as they try to paint you.
Certainly the justice link may be excellent- they have -sadly-lots of experience in navigating this and will be able to hopefully provide you with info re what can do\who can help.

@Mayana1 -there is no surely. What is professed to happen and what actually does can be worlds apart.Its beyond imaginable, to have your child severed from yur life,consistent ridiculus false allegations flung at you which they've clearly already hung you for. Facts are great.IF they are coonsidered and promoted at decision makers. The childs best interest should always be priority. its not guaranteed thats gony happen, its truly awful

https://www.pfan.uk/support/

I’m not going to stop until a judicial review is had. I’m not going to die until they’ve been held to account. You’ll see me one day; and I’ll say to you hello it’s bird of pain, I did it!

I am. I wish I was making it up but I’m not and it tortures me. It keeps me up. Over and over again c how how how?? So if you can enlighten me in how I get this seen and heard by anyone in the LA I would be so so grateful. I feel like the moment I open my mouth to anyone I’m anticipating them thinking surely not. Because that’s what I would have thought too, what all my friends and especially my mum thought about mum’s in my situation. There MUST be more to it! I’m not banned from school but if I show up to see him, it could upset him and wouldn’t be for his best interests so I nod sit tight until the court give us a hearing date.

Update: spoke to an amazing solicitor. Waiting for the hearing date and now it’s a case of organise my court papers and get my ducks in a row. Learning that it’s a very different experience being the initiating one as I’ve always been the one having to react to applications. I am praying it will be a better time for us. I am missing my son so much, so much.

@Birdofpain .Thanks for update.Im so relieved you have solicitor and sund more positive.
I know this pain,state enforced madness. Blow after blow and NOBODY doing a damn thing they ought to.
I believe you.I believe in you. Keep going.
even now-with my son safe home 24/7...i find so much of it unbelieveable. unimaginabile. there is nt a doubt in my mind-"they" know. this sadly is not a one of,case of proffessional making the wrong call.this is isnt isolated. This is..repeat event in every LA. they know- yet it continues with no regard for the hrm done.
You cannot take on the entire system.(yet). I have 3years worth of writing everything dwn under my bed-i dnt need or be inclined to refer back t it-every single atrosity is still very much etched in my mind.
for now- you have solicitor act for you and son . Once he is home, then the rest can be adressed. its fine say that but living in it is ......horrific. i know.
when court?

You are doing so well. Sending you strength 💐

What is it like initiating court? I was worried and trying to tell solicitor about things I expect they will try to lie abut to pre empt and forewarn. Solicitor said that they can’t necessarily do this ~ only reply in defence of the allegations I out forward to them? Any experience of this would be great?

Keep evidence of everything that may one day be relevant - screenshot text messages, keep emails and letters, etc. Go back and see what evidence you can find of things that happened in the past, or of things that will corroborate your version of events if he does try to lie about the things you think he will lie about. This includes people who witnessed things that could be called to give evidence if needed. That is the best way you can prepare for him lying about something in future.

Almost 7 weeks since I saw little one. Ex still won’t budge on contact. They’re digging a deeper hole by the day by lying about why I’m not around. I’m still waiting for a court date, our application on 8 weeks ago on anticipation they’d do this. They’ve contacted a different social worker who is visiting this week. I really don’t know how to explain the failures etc. the most important thing is my child. My job in court is to persuade the judge that I am the best person for primary residence.i will use welfare checklist. That being said. The abuse is ongoing and my child is collateral damage. This isn’t just a stopping contact for a good reason, this is ANY reason, and it’s nothing to do with my child’s safety and everything to do with power and control. I just can’t fathom how he can knowingly cause even more trauma to my child. I just don’t get it. I spoke with my GP who are raising a safeguarding concern making clear that child is a victim of this ongoing abuse by way of being impact led by them using our child as a weapon to inflict as much damage as possible. Sometimes I think that it’s on purpose, as in, to make me give up. Being unable to see me. Or not knowing when and so on, is painful and it ongoing. Me saying goodbye, find me when you’re a grown up, is painful but then will retreat to a background ache. I feel like fighting for him is literally involving him in the turmoil majority of time, walking away will be a lesser ongoing hurt. I am literally in a loving friend and haven’t been able to sleep without medication since contact was stopped

Of course it's on purpose to make you give up - did you not know that all along?

Don't give up. Keep gathering any evidence you can, keep all your documents organized, and whoever you talk to, STAY CALM. Good luck.

Another update. Court in a matter of weeks. But more interestingly this: so I have been handed a very pointed and thorough medical letter stating that due to his coercive control and emotional abuse I was temporarily impaired as a parent and that there is nothing wrong with me mentally or physically, doctor had said many times in the letter that coercive control and emotional abuse made me unwell and I have since recovered, I couldn’t even speak for about a day, I went numb and had to ask others to read it to be sure of what I was seeing. You know you can know something and can know your own truth or facts, but being told and written about by them and professionals only listening to them, even though you know what happened you still find yourself believing their narrative over your own. To see what I have known for so many years that had been ignored and dismissed, to see it now in black and white was just brain explosion for me. It’s a game changer. Not only that bit the police had said it’s enough for evidence of coercive control, I’m still not fully informed of those steps. But one thing I didn’t know is that the police documented that they KNEW he had forced me to retract my statement. They then tried to override me via CPS and CPS said no, my evidence was crucial. I didn’t know that the police knew that he had forced me into retracting. That too, is a game changer. This time, Cafcass can’t possibly dismiss or ignore this undeniable evidence, yet o still feel he will manage to justify keeping my son from me and still somehow convince court I’m a crazy abuser. Thoughts,

This is a positive update. But you still have a way to go.
keep all this in mind when ever you are questioned about anything…. They have known you were coerced in the past but couldn’t act without your honest input. So 100% honesty from now on without the fear that they won’t believe you.

Is it worth going back to the police to ask if it’s too late to say you were coerced into the retraction? I’d say worth a chat if nothing else.

Good luck with court. Xx