He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

[Birdofpain]

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

As a psychologist, I agree.

OP said, in one of her updates, words to the effect that her mental health has been assessed as normal.

I was noting that I was pleased to read that.

Sorry, haven't read full thread. Have a diary, journal etc so that your son can read it when he's old enough, what happened, how it made you feel what you tried to do.

I'm guessing child father is in some position of authority and uses that to influence people. Very sad and awful difficult to get round.
Do get allies for court, I don't have specifics but I'm sure the DV charities will have sone contacts.

Try to get a Merry Christnas son, Im doing everything I can to see you, but don't worry, you'll be fine and I will too but I miss you lettter to him.

Hope it's not as awful as you expect.

Why has it taken you over a year to go to court for your son can't care as much as your making out sorry all I read is victim mode in this thread when there's 2 sides and we don't know wtf you've done to have your child removed from your care. Responsibility on your own part seriously is questionable. My ex was extremely abusive tried allsorts as well no chance in hell would I allow him with or without mental health issues or did he get full access to my son yet yours has him full time 🤔🤔.

I have no clue what you are saying. Ok, I admit, English is not my first language. Still I can understand majority of written stuff. But you are a mystery.

is that even relevant?
@Birdofpain keeping you n wee one in my thoughts.I know just how hellish this all is. stay strong x

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Apologies to any social workers on here but I simply do not trust them after my experience. I have a friend of over 30 years who applied for custody of her grandchild. Her son and the mother of this grandchild (never married) split up and the mother's neighbours reported her for neglecting her children, leaving the said grandchild in a cot all day etc. The mother had, had previous contact with social services and the children were all taken off her and put into foster care. The family who were fostering my friend's grandchild wanted to adopt the child. My friend knew that if this happened she would never see her grandchild again unless they sort her out when the grandchild was an adult. My friend's son wanted to apply for custody but because of his circumstances was not deemed suitable. Social services sent me a long questionnaire about my friend which I dutifully filled out and returned. I was then told Social services would be coming to interview me. No problem except they didn't! Instead they interviewed the elderly neighbour's of my friend whom my friend used to do errands for but they barley knew her. Fortunately my friends son had employed the services of a solicitor to put his side of the families circumstances in court. The social worker tried to say my friend was in an abusive relationship with her husband. My friend who is very vocal demanded to know where the hell she had got that idea from. She had actually said her marriage had, had it's ups and downs like most marriages and she had been divorced for 13 years! The social worker tried to twist everything my friend said. We have no doubt the social worker thought the foster family who wanted to adopt the child was in her opinion was a better option. Anyway my friend won custody of her grandchild but no thanks to the social workers!

It’s been really hard. I normally see him twice a week and it’s been nearly two weeks now without seeing him. I had to go in another room on Christmas Day when my family spoke to him. He is asking where’s mummy? My family didn’t indulge the lies being told so ex said ‘she’s still in the plane’. He has broken the court order as he is to make child available for reasonable contact but I am just broken inside and frightened that his narrative will be believed as it sss before despite the evidence to contrary, I have to say I am ‘obsessed’ it goes round and round and round in my mind. What have I actually done to these people? Why and how can a social worker be dishonest? How can I fall so badly between the cracks? I think somewhere there days with court cases it is far less about what is true and more so on who can ‘win’ at any cost. That is two Christmas in a row I’ve been denied contact. I think I can do a ‘C2’ enforcement. I also need to think that this time I am initiating and it’s in private proceedings and it won’t be like before. But still. My only concern is that my child has had the rug pulled from underneath them and the pain that will cause when we have been spending quality time doing so much fun things together and really really loving being together. To nothing. I’m not allowed now he says to go to the reading sessions on the dates I’ve been given. Though he can’t stop me, he said it will distress my child because they won’t understand why I am there when I’m meant to be too ill to see them.even though I spent two hours on phone to social services where my child now is, another borough explaining the entire thing beginning to end and asking for them to do a child in need for emotional harm, that the new law states children are victims of domestic abuse by proxy of them experiencing the coercive control to me, which is happening but they can’t do anything which is just boggling. Emotional harm doesn’t seem to be a concern. What would you do?

It's not a long term solution but getting a Christmas card and present to him might help him (and you!) emotionally. Maybe your family could visit with a present from you if ex is happy to talk to them?

Is your child at school or nursery? You could also reach out to them, not with the full story but just to say you're worried that your child will be missing you as his normal routine of seeing you has been disrupted, and then his teachers might offer him a bit of emotional support when he goes back to school, which could also give you peace of mind.

Long term you need legal advice. Take care.x

I’m so sorry OP. You really need sound legal advice asap. Sending you strength 💐

Are you involved with support from woman's aid?
If you tell me your area I will ask my advocacy if they can suggest who can help you.
Document every thing.Have your parents write letter of concern . supporting what he's pulled as Christmas stunt.for swk and court.
Even if you wanted to,it's impossible to not feel OCD level,it's torture,24/7.and makes no sense.
X

It is. Looking for an advice. Then you suppose to write it the way people will understand.
I do fell sorry for the OP, as much I could understood. Hope court will sort her out, I really do. I have a little one too and being separated from a child is unimaginable pain for a mother.

Please take this poster up on their offer OP.

I have a little one too and being separated from a child is unimaginable pain for a mother

and for a small child 😢

@Birdofpain i realise you might be concerned this identify you- if you go to tp of page and click on the personhead -private message is an option.

Indeed.However, if willing to accept op is telling truth, all protocol n usual procedures are already abandoned. She is quite obviously beside herself and managing to present it looking for help at all has proven to be a risk in itself. Immediately met with all knowing replies doubting her every word n cast unfounded opinions on her character.
The last thing she needs. Having been in very similar hell , it's crippling,beyond imagine able.
I'm not sure why anyone would conclude op talking rubbish and auto pick apart all she said. I see no purpose in anyone pretending this is events as happened
I'm absolutely sure reaching out, all n anywhere u may find help,heart on sleeve , knowing your truth is bizarre/unthinkable is a really shit position to be in.

X

Yes, I am in East Sussex and grateful for any support esp advocacy.

The contact was stopped a couple of days after I had spoken to my child’s therapist from school. I raised my concerns, one of which they felt had to be realised as a safeguarding. When ex found out he hit the roof and immediately stopped contact and told me I couldn’t go to the school for the dates I’d been given for family time. There’s nothing in the order preventing me from going to the school other than he will stop me via telling me I’ll emotionally harm my son. I screen grabbed the contact and why it’s stopped and sent it to the school & therapist saying this is why I am afraid to raise concerns.

This is what almost haunts me. Allegations made, court ordered assessments and hair strand tests all prove in my favour. Psych assessment in my favour. So I thought well there we go, I’m home clear. Previous assessment from prior proceedings in my favour. No concerns from anyone at all in my favour - except the social worker who was against me and aligned with ex, she even tasked him with re/engaging with me to be her ‘boots on the ground’. Calls and emails to the guardian went ignored. I only saw him when he hand delivered his negative assessment. No observations with me or my child, it was just beyond anything you can think of. If I was reading this I wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t believe other posts like this, I too thought that we must not be getting full story. I never dreamed that professionals could do this. But they have. And I’m so gaslit that these awful things are being allowed that I am frightened that when I go back to court the same will happen again. Today I have sent over the recent behaviour from him to the policeman I’m working with. And my GP who is working with the policeman and I on gathering this evidence. I’ll call womens aid / rise and contact my IDVA I used to have to ask advice. Last Christmas my IDVA wrote with concerns to the sw but we don’t have sw involved anymore. That being said I spent about 2 hours on phone to them on Monday begging them to step in, explaining emotional harm, that it’s now a criminal offence for children to experience the impact of domestic abuse and what is happening now IS domestic abuse by way of post separation abuse weaponising my child. I am determined. I’m also trying to obtain a solicitor for a judicial review as the LA broke disability and equality act. I have recordings with managers, social workers, I can transcribe them to be used as exhibits. I have so much evidence it’s unreal. I had to wait a year due to a 10 month supervision order. During this interventions were offered for him and I to mediate and find a solution for contact so that when they stepped away we would have a new normal. He wouldn’t engage with any of the interventions. I did. He used the 10 months to keep me and my son in a supervised contact centre which they had to facilitate despite not meeting a threshold to be there. I remained there for 90 weeks!! Sw just said they can’t make him and all o can do is return to court. I wanted to show I had exhausted every avenue of support there was before I took the strep of bringing this to court when I had no other option.

@Birdofpain iv messaged and requested any info,advice. contacts they may have who may offer-or signpost where to get help. Realistically prob tomo before get back to me.
back asap.
i know your torment and nothing making sense or touching reality is horrid. you are not alone x

@Birdofpain - it really is beyond nightmare stuff. we had 10 yrs documented(i even mean he admitted to proffessionals what had done),he had just been told of sherrif not considered even for supervised contact until/depend on result full psychiatric assessment.swk illegally removed(its called kidnap)my child forced to continued psyc/emosh abuser n prevented all contact with me,childs sul crer f nerly 10 years.I KNOW WHAT THEY DO-nothing will ever justify why.
my son is home.This time 3 christmases ago i saw him for hour supervised contact.we was both instructed not to speak of anythin led to this or immediate stop meeting. Yup-unbelieveable.100%fact.he is home.keep THAT in your heart and your head,hopefully can get you the help,support,backup you need.
xxxxx

@Birdofpain . Just had a thought,dunno if others can expand if or how useful.my understanding is "victim support"service is also for those currently being victimised.try search vic support coercive control area specific.sadly this is not isolated one off event. Might be worth checking?x

Yes of course. Her ex is a monster. There must be some evidence OP can show to prove her case. I didn't read through all, so actually don't know the back story, how he got their son in the first place? Surely mother is a first person to be given a child to?

@Birdofpain You really, really need legal advice - a good solicitor will be able to advise you on next steps, your situation is sadly not uncommon. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Hang in there.

https://www.centreforwomensjustice.org.uk/- this been first suggestion