To be mildly annoyed by people who don’t know what they would like for Christmas?

[MyNewWife]

Or birthday…

Unashamedly materialistic, my Pintrest Wanties board is always full with clothes, cosmetics, homewares etc. I always have a list of places I would like to visit and food or drink to try. Books to read, performances to attend, museums and exhibitions and so on. Life would feel dull and uninspiring for me without having something to look DP forward to and I also truly enjoy picking good items and looking after them. And I treat myself all the time, so it’s not a scenario opposite to “I just buy myself what I want, so I just don’t know what I want now”

I can’t understand how people in my close circle say “I am not sure” or “I don’t really know” when asked if there is anything special they would enjoy as a gift from me. It’s not being polite or modest. They genuinely seem not to have a clue. Would love to hear from someone’s who can’t name a present - what actually happens in your world, are you really content to the point of being happy to receive whatever? Or is a hint that you want cash?

But between adults with their own money, what exactly is this achieving @NewName24?

You're going through a charade of exchanging gifts, facilitated by unnecessary mental load.

If I decide I want something, I could just buy it, after deciding which type of the thing it is that I want, looking around for the best price and perhaps waiting for a sale/offer.

Or I could make a mental note of the item, hope that it doesn't sell out, wait for someone to ask me what I want for Christmas and send them the link, hope they actually do buy it, wait for Christmas and act all surprised and grateful when they give it to me, when I could have just bought the thing myself weeks ago.

Has it occurred to you that they may not want anything, and/or don't like being put on the spot about it?

I agree.
Most of the adults in our family agreed some years ago to not get each other presents, but we still get them for U18s, and I'd rather get them something they want, rather than guessing and most likely getting it wrong.
We also still get things for my PiL.

I want nothing. If I want something I buy it. For the last few years our kids have made a donation to Dementia UK instead of buying me a present.

Times are hard. Most of my time is spent working out how the hell to afford the essentials. I (and quite a few people I know) find it hard and stressful to think of "things" which are essentially treats to suggest to others, when I'm worrying over paying for rent and food.
As lovely as it is to recieve a gift, it's difficult to look at something that I know cost £50 without thinking "Christ, I could have bought a weeks shopping for the price of that..."

This isn't a pity post by the way, just trying to explain why I find it hard to come up with a wish list on demand.....

I’d take it to the charity shop- at least then I can feel nice about it.

For many getting the gift to something they'd use makes more sense than donating it.

Really if it's a £25 top it makes sense to get a voucher for the same value so you can buy something else rather than it getting donated so a charity shop can sell it for £3 or 4 .

Exactly @Needanewname42

I’m not very materialistic and I don’t have a list of things I want (or the time to curate one!) so I often don’t know what to say if someone asks… but I would be mortified if they gave me cash. I’m not a child! An experience is always nice - like I’m bringing you out for afternoon tea or spa day etc is lovely. Or if smaller just fancy candle/hand cream etc.

I was thinking about this the other day. I used to ask for loads of CDs for Christmas and I loved them. New (and old) music is a brilliant gift.

I don't mind people not knowing what they want because there's plenty of reasons (as demonstrated on this thread). I'm annoyed at a grown adult male outright saying he wants cash, not vouchers or anything like that, just cash as he doesn't like "stuff" (he's a hoarder so ... figure that one out). When people have gifts I can make money stretch a long way through saving and discount codes, their piles compared to the £60 I will give this man makes me look bad. Now he wants a box of dark chocolates so he has something to open ... Christmas is 3 fucking days away argggghhhh.

I think it’s unreasonable for you expect people serve up a list of things they want, to make gift giving easier for you.
i hate being asked this, as I buy things if I ever need them, but this is very infrequently as I don’t really want anything. I find it really stressful being pressured into saying something, knowing I don’t want it. If I’m completely honest I’d rather people just didn’t bother buying anything, it’s such a waste of money, but I’ve been told this is “ungrateful” when people have kept pressing me for ideas.

After the particularly shite last minute zero thought out presents that I received from my older children last year, this year I took a new approach.

I simply ordered the things I actually wanted then told them to go into my room and select the gift that they wanted to give me, but nothing could leave the room without being wrapped first. Also first come gets first choice.

I actually hate it when friends buy me gifts. I love the friends but I have everything I want and it just creates an obligation on me to buy them something. I don't have time to think of gifts for everyone I know. And again, I don't want or need their presents. I just want to spend time with them.

Does this man gift to you?

The main reason I stopped exchanging gifts with friends was we were all passing £20 next vouchers around. It became pointless.

I really miss CD and DVDs as gifts they were fairly budget and there was always something new.

I can't tell you the last time I received a gift that I loved or even liked. I'm always given stuff I hate like Prosecco. Such lazy and thoughtless gift giving.

Like others on this thread, I'm fussy and earn ok so I'd rather just buy what I need. I'm not particularly materialistic these days so there's very rarely something I actually want. I'd prefer to receive nothing than have someone I loved waste their money on something I'd never use, there is also the added pressure of reciprocating gift giving which stresses me out. A lot of thought time and money going into getting a gift that they don't even like.

That is brilliant. I've always thought there was something in 'everyone buy themselves a present', aka being their own Secret Santa.

Probably works best where you want to have a communal unwrapping session where you want to see what everyone gets, talk about their gifts and show them off.

But without the disappointment when you get something you don't like but have to be gushingly grateful for it to be polite.

Me, I don't mind lazy gifts. I'd rather get a bottle of gin and some florentines than a lot of the other stuff I've been bought.

I think the people who desperately want to give you a gift just want the shopping opportunity. You not wanting to participate is denying them the dopamine hit they get when they buy something.

That and a misguided sense of generosity, that they've not fully thought through. They think they're giving you a lovely gift but failing to realise they're giving you stress and guilt about having to participate in a pointless exchange you'd rather not bother with and guilt about the wasted 'stuff' and money.

I get you OP.

I do have a (metaphorical) "wanties" board but it's full of very specific items that are mostly too expensive to ask someone to buy for me - I don't just want any old chopping board, I want this specific hand-carved oak one with the knarled edges!

I find it annoying when others do it though so I put some thought into a list for my DH (who circulates it to anyone who asks). I just put bubble bath, chocolate etc on it. I find people believe me more when I put artificial preferences on it, like specific flavours or brands or scents. I like them all but it makes them go away easily!

Wow, this is so condescending! It's so obvious you think the way you live your life is better than theirs!

THIS!

I pretty much never have a gift that I don't know what I'm getting. My husband is useless and if I either don't buy myself gifts or tell him specifically what I want, I don't get anything beyond my calendar and diary. We don't tend to do gifts between the adults in our families/friend group.

So on the very off chance someone were to ask me what I would like, I would genuinely like a surprise. I want to feel known and loved - that someone has thought about something I would like and have chosen it for me.

Back when we did friendship group gifts I took real pride in paying attention throughout the year to get ideas of what to get for the perfect Xmas present. I hope that I always got it right, the recipients always seemed grateful (one example was a friend was talking about how after he got divorced, his ex wife took his entire music collection, despite not even liking the genre of music herself. He was talking about some of the albums he'd had, and often spoke about one that had been his favourite that he missed. So I managed to track down a copy of that album for him for Xmas that year).

If you don't know someone well enough that you have no idea what they might like as a gift, why are you buying for them?

Most people probably think the way they live their life is better than how someone else chooses to live theirs… that’s why they choose to live it in that way.

Anyway, reading this thread it seems most people don't like giving people a list, as it puts the pressure on them to think of something and also takes away the element of surprise. However they also don’t tend to like getting surprises as they’re usually shit. Which just shows that all this adult gift giving is generally pointless, wasteful and onerous.

@Tillow4ever If you don't know someone well enough that you have no idea what they might like as a gift, why are you buying for them?

Because it's not always that simple. For lots media (CDs/DVDs) is a thing of the past.
My mum reads loads, 📚 but uses the library and buys from the charity shop then takes them back!!! I have no clue what she's read.
The ILs read on kindles, a voucher is a bit meh!

Clothes can be a bit hit or miss and experience type gifts aren't cheap. And you don't want to get too small or cause offense by buying too big.

Gift buying is a complete minefield