To be mildly annoyed by people who don’t know what they would like for Christmas?

[MyNewWife]

Or birthday…

Unashamedly materialistic, my Pintrest Wanties board is always full with clothes, cosmetics, homewares etc. I always have a list of places I would like to visit and food or drink to try. Books to read, performances to attend, museums and exhibitions and so on. Life would feel dull and uninspiring for me without having something to look DP forward to and I also truly enjoy picking good items and looking after them. And I treat myself all the time, so it’s not a scenario opposite to “I just buy myself what I want, so I just don’t know what I want now”

I can’t understand how people in my close circle say “I am not sure” or “I don’t really know” when asked if there is anything special they would enjoy as a gift from me. It’s not being polite or modest. They genuinely seem not to have a clue. Would love to hear from someone’s who can’t name a present - what actually happens in your world, are you really content to the point of being happy to receive whatever? Or is a hint that you want cash?

I don’t know what to say when asked, because I really don’t want any more stuff. I am not materialistic and already have many things (from previous gifts) that I don’t want/need but struggle to get rid of. If offered cash/gift card as an option that is my preference.

Some people just don't want/need ANYTHING, and if you insist on buying them things, you're doing it just for the sake of it.

My advice in these situations would be a voucher for somewhere they shop, or something like food or drink related.

I think the need for this declines as we mature. What I wanted more than anything was a few answers from my mother about a number of things that went on when I was younger, and why she never had any praise for anything I'd ever done, despite knowing that she loved me. By the time I was able to ask those questions with maturity and sincerity, my mother was too old to put her through that misery.

I remember seeing her lying dead on the bathroom floor (I had been told she was dead, I didn't find her), and the second thing that came to mind was that I'd never be able to ask the questions...half of me was relieved that I wouldn't have to worry about blurting anything out accidentally, the other half was sad knowing that I couldn't ask her now even if I wanted to.

So maybe these people who annoy you are actually indifferent because what they want are things that money could never buy.

I buy myself whatever the hell I want. I have a very generous husband who would buy me within affordable budget what u ask for but why would I when I can get it myself.
This year we decided a budget for each other, had a general idea what to buy him then concert tickets came out for a band I loved all my days so we have bought tickets for that in a European city for a treat for ourselves. This is great to me, he loves them too, it's a win win. Those memories will last longer than a bottle of perfume or a new shirt or whatever.
Plus it's without the kids so we're both getting a sneaky break too!

I genuinely don’t want anything, so I’d struggle to tell you too.

I find it hard to give family and friends gift ideas. There’s just genuinely nothing I want. I’m fortunate enough to have everything I need but mostly I’ve totally tapped out of consumerism over the last few years. Everything seems to so wasteful and unnecessary and just more ‘stuff’ that’s damaging the planet and no one really needs.
I do still like nice things for myself and for the home and I buy myself nice things sometimes (often [good quality] clothes from Vinted as I feel better about it, not because I can’t afford brand new) and for my birthday my husband bought me a nice handbag that was not at all cheap, because my old one was wearing out and it’s worth investing more in frequently-used items.
I’d genuinely be ok with people donating to charity in my name instead of buying a present. Experiences are nice but often outside people’s budget eg if it’s a friend or sibling who might normally spend somewhere between £20-£40.

It's difficult and I don't know if it's just the people I'm surrounded by but even when I say what I want, I don't quite get it. So I tend to buy what I want as and when I need/want it. It's also hard to guess what their budget might be, money is a hairy subject. DP and I are very frank about budgets but it's hard to have that conversation with other people.

A few examples of what I asked for and what I got from recent years:

1. I asked for a nice set of gardening gloves and secateurs, imagining something from the RHS etc. I got a cheap plasticky set that lasted 2 minutes because they couldn't cope with my soil. A complete waste of money and materials. The gloves were a garish neon print. I honestly don't know what the person was thinking. We are not strangers, there's not a single neon or brightly coloured object in my house aside from my child's toys I can only assume it was a last minute panic buy from Amazon.
2. I was running out of moisturizer and sent the name and link of the one I use, only to receive a night cream from a different company - a few quid cheaper from memory, I think maybe £40 instead of £45. I don't use night cream and ended up having to buy moisturiser anyway.
3. I like to cross stitch and asked for kit and listed the themes I was into at the time (birds). I received a felting kit for a woodland animal. I did get an explanation though, they thought I'd like to try something new.
4. I like reading and listed 2 authors and the genre I was into at the time (vintage crime/murder). I received a romance, a "fun facts" book about gin and one of those tragic based on real life books about suffering.

Obviously I don't want to sound ungrateful but in those instances I did think what was the point of asking me if you're going to go rogue anyway?

I now say something vague like "oh anything is fine, I'll be happy with a box of chocolates" because I will, I will scoff them as soon as my gestational diabetes buggers off.

I have a small house, well-filled with things I need and like. I don’t keep wishlists because I find they are just temptations for me to overspend, and similarly I don’t do on or offline browsing for stuff. I have a kindle and so I do generally buy any books I want immediately and really don’t enjoy reading paper books these days.

So if you asked me, I might say a gift card for the lovely farm shop, but beyond that I have nothing to suggest. And no, I don’t want money. I want something you saw and thought of me. Your thought is part of the gift, much more than whatever you spent.

I buy myself stuff if I want it, and I've always assumed that other adults do the same.

I would only ask someone what they wanted as a gift if they were really hard up and might appreciate something practical, as it would seem quite churlish to buy them something really frivolous if they're struggling to put food on the table.

Otherwise, if I'm buying a gift for someone, I'm searching high and low finding something I think they'll like, and including a gift receipt in case I'm wrong!

I'm not materialistic, and like others, I earn enough to buy what I want throughout the year.
I have to remind my face not to speak when grown adults in my well paid profession tell me they send links of wish lists to various family members for their birthdays/xmas😮I'd b'é mortified if I did this.
My mother never buys me birthday/ Xmas gifts but will call me to remind me to buy my sister a birthday/ Xmas/Easter/mother's day/ wedding anniversary gift.
My husband generally buys me thoughtful gifts I wouldn't ordinarily buy for myself.

One of my parent's longest friends has been a god-send since they died. I mean I really couldn't have coped without all of what she did to get things done, particularly when it came to the practicalities of arranging the wake and the church service.

She is now mid-70s, a retired teacher with enough money to buy anything she wants, but has all she wants. She's also incredibly mobile and independent. I have - finally - been able to pin her down to allowing me to do something in return, and in the new year I will be spending a day or two cleaning her house & doing those jobs that she can't physically do any more. I am so thrilled to be able to give her something back that makes me feel like I've repaid the debt (even though she considers it to be that nothing needs repaying) and that she'll get something that she can truly make good use of.

I tend to say “I don’t know” if I am asked. Mostly because I don’t know what the asker’s budget is. But also because I might as well just buy for myself if I am going to have to tell the asker specifically what to get.

I do actually have a list of stuff that I would buy myself if I had the spare cash (yes written down as a list because money is tight so I consider purchases carefully) and yet I still wouldn’t share it with someone who asked what they should get me for Christmas.

I don't know as I have all the books I could read - enough to last me years! - all the crafts I could want - again enough to lash me years! - and a small house so I just don't know what I'd be ok bringing in. I don't want to put things on a list just for the sake of it.

@Godfreydahling you are one of my tribe.

Also, I find the madness of tatt buying at Christmas - really unappealing.

I rarely spend money on myself, I tend to buy once buy well, which then lasts me years. I like having a minimalist lifestyle. Why on earth would I need another scarf, when I already have 3? If I was gifted a scarf, I would be gracious but inside I would be muttering "another scarf..."

I suppose I just don't like 'stuff'

I'm the same as you, OP. There's always stuff I want - books, clothes, jewellery, skincare, gigs or shows I'd like to see, restaurants I'd like to try... more than I can manage to buy for myself. If anyone asks me for gift ideas I always have plenty and I find it quite odd that not everyone does.

So you can't be arsed to think what somebody might like?

Where do you want them to start - you telling them how much you can afford or think they're worth? Whether you want to go shopping or just click Buy? Do you have opinions on Amazon or Temu? Will you decide that you don't agree with what they want and get something completely different, cheap crap versions or spend an absolute fortune they'll feel weird about? Are you actually going to follow through or will they ever get it? Are you going to think they're being grabby by saying something they'd really like? Have you not listened to anything they've said in the last twelve months?

Asking for something is as fraught with scope for offence, hurt feelings and misunderstandings.Actually listening to them and getting to know what they like, what they used to have, remember or love, things that make them smile, then wrapping it carefully and giving it to them is showing you care.

Same here - spend my life decluttering. Plus my friend got me something for my bday that l really didn't like so l had to take it back without a receipt - was just another chore.

I'm that person. I don't need more stuff, I'd prefer to choose my own things rather than end up with things I don't like/aren't to my tastes. I have mostly everything I need and I'm mindful that others have a lot less. I also don't like the stress for others of present buying and rampant consumerism. Charity gift please

Asking for something is as fraught with scope for offence, hurt feelings and misunderstandings.Actually listening to them and getting to know what they like, what they used to have, remember or love, things that make them smile, then wrapping it carefully and giving it to them is showing you care.

This, x100, with bells on. When my friend got married, she had been with her (now) husband for over fifteen years. They had absolutely everything she needed, although in a totally separate conversation she mentioned she was fretting because everyone she knew (including me) who might have been able to take care of her dogs for a few days was going to be attending the wedding.

With this in mind, I arranged for a friend of mine to take the dogs, and I paid for it all as my wedding present to her. The friend who was getting married was overwhelmed at this not least because my friend who was hosting the dogs even went to her house & collected them because at that exact moment this was the only thing she really, really needed & wanted.

There’s nothing I want, really.

But I am mildly annoyed by people who pester me about what I want. I mean, if you want to buy me something, surely the generous bit is thinking what I might like. If you’re just hitting the indicated button on Amazon, what’s the point?

So, if you can think of something, that’d be lovely. And if not, don’t worry about it.

I'd be your worst nightmare !
The whole idea of a getting a present is the surprise element.
I'd literally would never ask, you get given what I chose after obviously seeing /observing what you use/like etc or what you get drawn to
looking in shops, mention seeing on others, would look good on you, support your hobby/causes etc etc.
Absolutely hate being asked what I want for xmas/bday, I can buy myself what I want.
Flipside is, DH and adult DS's are " what do
you want ? " types ,all are extremely generous it has to
be said, but I just make do
with cosmetic gifts etc when I've been saying for years and years I'd like some ( surprise ) jewellery.
They do absolutely know what jewellery brands/styles I like too.
Really, it's THAT difficult to get some plain earstuds e.g ?
It's comical
almost at my age.
DS2 partner is the same, prefers surprise, but has already capitulated and now makes a list of wishes.
I know where it comes from though, the surprise /delight element.
My grandmother always was given a bit of surprise jewellery for xmas/bday by DGF.
As a kid I used to love flipping open the velvet boxes and look at the contents, nothing extravagant, but every piece was a treasured memory. Aw the sentimentality of it.

I find this fascinating as I don't do this and can't imagine it - it's not like I'm loaded or anything; it's more that I don't give the clothes or jewellery I decided not to buy a second thought ever again. They just didn't make the cut.

There are a few things jewellery-wise that I'm still on the lookout for, but that's more stuff in my mind's eye that I haven't found IRL yet, and I enjoy the hunt too much to delegate that to someone else!

Theatre and gigs I tend to buy tickets for there and then as they're usually time-limited so you have to snap them up.

And books, I do keep a (looong) reading list for things I haven't got around to reading yet, but I can't really imagine asking someone else to buy me a book as I won't decide until I'm ready to read it whether I'm going to want it on kindle/audible/hard copy, so getting someone else to buy it potentially makes me less likely to read it as it might not suit my lifestyle at the time.

I think it's rather sweet :)

I don't want things. Not interested in clothes or make up or house shit.
The only things I want are expensive and not anything I would ask for for a present (think plane tickets, gigs, theatre trips etc) . So I accept I am hard to buy for!
I can't imagine being like you and wanting stuff to buy such as you can't imagine not caring about stuff.

I don’t really want stuff - I might see something nice, but I have enough clutter and I don’t really need more things in the house. I’m already struggling to downsize the book hoard collection.

I try and think of something nice to suggest, but aside from a short wish list of books coming out, there’s rarely anything I actually want.

I definitely don’t have Pinterest boards of stuff I wish I owned, @MyNewWife - maybe some plants for the garden.