To be mildly annoyed by people who don’t know what they would like for Christmas?

[MyNewWife]

Or birthday…

Unashamedly materialistic, my Pintrest Wanties board is always full with clothes, cosmetics, homewares etc. I always have a list of places I would like to visit and food or drink to try. Books to read, performances to attend, museums and exhibitions and so on. Life would feel dull and uninspiring for me without having something to look DP forward to and I also truly enjoy picking good items and looking after them. And I treat myself all the time, so it’s not a scenario opposite to “I just buy myself what I want, so I just don’t know what I want now”

I can’t understand how people in my close circle say “I am not sure” or “I don’t really know” when asked if there is anything special they would enjoy as a gift from me. It’s not being polite or modest. They genuinely seem not to have a clue. Would love to hear from someone’s who can’t name a present - what actually happens in your world, are you really content to the point of being happy to receive whatever? Or is a hint that you want cash?

The thing is, a lot of adults don’t have lists of things that they ‘truly want’, and if there is anything, they would probably rather shop for it themselves. In my 40 years I’ve accumulated enough bloody stuff. What I truly want, at this point of my life, is better SEN provision in schools, 8 hours sleep a night and a regular cleaner. In the absence of someone being able to provide those things, I genuinely can’t think of anything I want.

That's not strictly true and a very simplistic view of life.

Older people can be very hard to buy for. Not quite as fit as they were. Many wouldn't drink at home.

Activities are often outwith someone's budget, if someone's budget is £50.
Even accessable things like theater nobody wants to go to the theatre alone so you need two tickets.

Books you have no clue what they have read. They use the library and they buy then return books to the charity shop!

Doesn't mean you don't know them it means they are hard people to buy for

I can always think of something I'd like, but I find it so cringe awful to ask for a specific gift and so always say that there's nothing I'd like. Gifts make me feel so stressed.

I'm in my late 40s now and the acquisition of 'stuff', whether it's useful or not, seems totally pointless.

DH and I are not exchanging a present. What for - we buy things if and when we need them.

And it's only DH who would buy me a gift these days anyway, we don't swap presents with parents anymore.

Yeah honestly

I don't know what I want.
So people often buy me candles which is fine. I would rarely buy a candle for myself but I do like them

I would also love my car to be valeted. DH thought I was mad the last time I asked for that for my birthday.
I think it will make this years birthday list.

One thing that does annoy me is when people ask me what I want, and if I do tell them something - they complain as it's not something they want to buy as a gift (usually if it's something that would actually be practical and useful!)

Having said that, I could confidently buy a present for a completely random person, that I know they'd love, given 5 minutes to look at their social media

Not mine, I haven’t posted on it since 2012 and there’s nothing I’d have wanted then that I’d want now!

Oh yes, I'd like that too. But we had a cleaner for a year and I absolutely hated having someone in my home for 4hrs a week who I felt obliged to talk to.

So if I could have anything, it would be a magically clean and tidy house that the fairies would clean😁

I genuinely don’t have a list of things I want. I’ve got more books than I can read and more clothes than I regularly wear and the house is cluttered. I don’t wear make up, burn candles or use bath/skin stuff (allergies).

An experience gift would mean trying to find a time slot around work, DH’s work, both DC’s activities. So probably more work than it’s worth.

I don’t want cash, I just don’t want to do presents at all, ideally. But some important people in my life would be miserable if we didn’t, so I suck it up and the charity shop does well in January.

Because I already have a huge list of responsibilities and decisions to make, I dont want another added to my list.
Having to provide a list of things I want feels like another task. I'd hope anyone close enough to buy my a gift knows me well enough to know what I like and can use their initiative.

I agree OP. I’m the same way. I think it’s rude when people give you absolutely no idea of what they want!

it annoys me to the point I want to be purposely rude and give the gift to someone else in front of them instead of grinning and bearing it for the sake of propriety (haven’t yet, but very tempted).

To me, it defeats the purpose of asking me in the first place.

What is the point of asking the receiver if it has to be something only the giver deems as a gift?

Then be annoyed that the receiver isn’t grateful and/or give the response the giver believes is warranted instead of accepting and respecting the receiver’s choices in the first place.

It's a shame you think it's rude. I can assure you when I say 'I don't know' to the question it is absolutely not intended to be rude. In that moment I'm likely feeling flustered and vaguely embarrassed and desperately racking my brain for an idea. I would usually end up asking for something I need, for example something I already use that I'm running out of (shampoo or deodorant) or something I use which is past its best, like pjs, slippers or sports wear because I wear those things until they have holes in/are threadbare 😂 I don't like to ask for things that I don't actually need- there's a weird sense of guilt attached to it, most likely related to sustainability/environmental concerns. The planet would be in much better shape if we all bought/owned less stuff.

I'm indecisive and also don't prioritise myself enough. I spend my time doing planning (teacher), children's clubs, clean, general jobs and try and see friends. If I have free time I just like to lie down and lose myself in a tv series. Making lists of things isn't fun to me. Planning a holiday with my family is what I'd rather spend my time on. I don't really want anything from anyone, I don't know if that's weird or not! Just buy me flowers or take me somewhere.

I hate being asked what I want. I'd rather have nothing at all than have to think of my own gift. I will get myself what I want or need.

YABU, first because you are putting the emotional labour of choosing the gift on the receiver. If you want to buy them a gift, do the work of choosing it. If you don't know them well enough to choose a gift for them, why are you buying them a gift?

Second because you seem over-attached to "stuff" and assume everyone else should be too. I like nice things but not useless things. I have most of what I need so I have to think hard when someone asks me what I want. It also takes the surprise away.

I don’t like getting ‘stuff’ but really wouldn’t want cash - definitely not a hint!
Consumables are ok - some decent chocs but otherwise I ask people to donate to charity on my behalf if they want to spend something. Or it’s fine not to bother. I’ve finally got to the stage where people believe I mean that, thank goodness!

Why is it less materialistic/consumerist to buy something for someone else than it is to buy it for yourself? Nobody needs presents, but I find it baffling that you would be baffled by the idea that some adults actually enjoy the mutual giving and receiving of gifts. My Christmas is not a 'shitfest', thanks.

My teenage dc find it quite hard to think of things they want for Christmas and their birthdays tbf, especially 16yo ds. He doesn't own much anddoesn't want much. We always think of something it turns out he did actually want or need though!

I say I don't want anything because there's honestly nothing I want. In the same way you get enjoyment from having things/spending money, it would stress me out to have loads of stuff everywhere.

e.g. books, yes I have a very long 'to read' list but I just get them from the library/kindle and then return them. Spending £10 on a book that I'd read in a few hours and would then have to find somewhere to store or go to the effort of taking to a shop would annoy me more than it would give me pleasure.

I prefer activities like theatre, music etc, but those aren't really the sort of gifts I'd expect from a friend. Firstly because tickets now are so expensive they would be above the budget I would expect friends or even siblings to spend, secondly because if you want to keep the gift a surprise you don't know whether the person is free on that date, and thirdly many people don't like going to things alone so the gift would have to be at least a pair of tickets. Also hard to know if someone will definitely like a particular show - "theatre" can be very varied. They might love Les Mis but doesn't mean the Book of Mormon would be their cup of tea. And if you absolutely know for definite they are a huge, say, Taylor Swift fan then chances are they would have already bought themselves a ticket to her concert so it's pointless you getting another one for them!

e.g. I have bought my mum tickets to a show, but it was a ball ache in sneaking into her house to check her calendar to establish a date when she was definitely free without her knowing, plus she wouldn't want to go on her own so I had to buy myself a ticket, therefore it was a £100 plus 'present'. I wouldn't expect a friend to spend/organise that!

I think you issue is you think people must be secretly yearning after things they can’t afford. You think you’re being generous.

Yes, it does seem like a simple mismatch between the way different people live their lives and think about this kind of thing.

The "wanties" thing seems odd to me, not because of the twee name but because I have a list of goals in life, but none of them are about getting "stuff".

That said, I don't spend much time on visual social media sites like Pinterest and Instagram, so I can see how browsing those might increase one's desire for aesthetically pleasing things, and/or filling my home with the things in the pictures.

I don't like saying what I actually want ,as people rarely buy the exact thing, but more their interpretation of it. And then I end up disappointed.

Sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm exceeding their budget.

I usually just say that I'd like vouchers.

Why is it rude to not want material stuff? I’m not lying when I say there’s nothing I want, there is nothing I want. Would you rather someone made something up to appease you?

not everyone needs and wants a lot of stuff. Why making it up?

I know a family who all exchange very specific lists including Amazon links. What’s the point? You may as well just buy yourself something. Sorry OP but your attitude to gifts takes all the pleasure from both giving and receiving

Thing is @Acommonreader - if you've read through the thread, you will see that knowing what you are getting for said niece , or BiL is actually something they would actually want, and is the right size or flavour or whatever, gives me (and many, many others) FAR more pleasure than me roaming through shops, and ending up getting something they will politely thank me for, but we all know deep down isn't their 'style' or just isn't something they want.
It also saves a huge amount of time, as well as stress and as well as money being wasted. I am time poor, like many on here, I'm sure. I can't understand why anyone wouldn't like people letting them know what they want.
Lists given to me, with links make me happy because it is quick, and easy, and I am confident I am giving a good present to the recipient. Then the recipient gets pleasure from receiving something they actually want.
Win win.