Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

[MerryLiftMass]

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

What is he, 7?!

You shouldn’t be letting him control your life, or the life of your kids.

I did think it's a bit pathetic at first, but sounds like you won't miss out with the compromise and it's nice the step parent wants to be involved with the kids like this I think.

No. Life carries on and wives don't have to sit at home waiting for their husbands to be able to and allowed to do things on their own with the kids.

edited mumsnet's stupid grammar auto uncorrect!

Autistic or not his choices should have been go after work or you go without him.

Although, I dont know a man on this earth who would begrudge their kids going the cinema Christmas eve while he had to work.

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go

You do realise he has controlled you to the point of not being allowed to take your own DC to the cinema without him?

Please see this manipulation for what it is, he wasn't 'hurt' becsue you decided to do something with your DC, he felt threatened by it.

I can see where he's coming from - its a family thing and it seems that he is not being included, especially as he's the step parent.

I think he was a bit silly to make such a big deal of it... But I also wonder whether he is subconsciously insecure about his place in your kids lives due to being their step parent. Possibly you going off to do something without him triggered that.

I'm not saying that is the case or that he should be controlling what you do... But sometimes insecurities can be evil little gremlins.

If he is generally a great DH and step parent, I would cut him a little slack and see if there's other things going on.

I think PP are being harsh. It's okay to have hurt feelings sometimes. Life is complicated

He is a selfish man. Why can’t Mum takes her kids to cinema without an add on.

Man doesn't want to be involved. Twat.
Man wants to be involved. Twat.

Omg. Sounds like an absolute melt.

I could never shag him after this tbh.

Not too unreasonable but it would open the door for him to drop you from family events if it's convenient.

It's a trip to the cinema. Have you never take your kids to the cinema without having permission from or being accompanied by your husband? If you haven't you have a problem too.

(he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine)

Ffs when will this self diagnosis of autism end! In women it’s under diagnosed, in men that’s much rarer.

Grown man upset because he's missing out on Moana. Fucking ick.

He's being ridiculous. Life goes on while he's at work. Does he begrudge the kids day trips in the summer holidays?

No, I don't have any problems thanks and I don't need them to be invented for me!

Is this how life normally is for you….his way or nothing?

Or grown up man who is missing on Christmas fun on Christmas eve with kids he has taken under?

No yanbu, so he expects you to all sit at home and do nothing because he is working. I'm working and fully expect my DH to do something with our also older kids rather than sit around Xmas eve doing nothing, then we are all going for dinner when I finish.

Is he a controlling person in general?

Taking them yourself on Christmas Eve sounded like a great plan to me, does he seriously want to sit through Moana 2? I took 4yo GD but made sure it was cheap Tuesday and deliberately chose a session that wouldn’t be busy as hell is other people’s children. Does he always have such FOMO?

You do if you think it is acceptable for a man to tell his wife she can't take kids to the cinema without him I am afraid and what is even more sad is you don't realise it is an issue.

Are you allowed to take your kids on holiday alone, to do day trips or out to eat? I'm wondering if this is a Christmas thing or an all year round thing.

We have one partner who works shifts here and I generally try to time things so they get to take part in family treats/trips wherever possible, so I’d probably have done what you’ve ended up with- fun stuff at home and then a trip when everyone could make it.

That said, they would never kick off if I couldn’t make that work.