Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

[MerryLiftMass]

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

Depends.

I mean if he's very involved generally and you do a lot together as a family then I can see why he's a little put out coming home to an empty house on Christmas eve. I actually think going on boxing day is better as it can be a bit of a none day.

But if he's uninvolved and not really interested in your dc but he's decided to be a knob on this occasion I'd see that as controlling. All depends on which version he is really.

@dillonbarks ok, same as me then. She hasn't posted the ins and outs of how that discussion went between her and her husband. We don't know whether he expressed himself in an entirely acceptable way, or whether he came across as "manipulative" or controlling. So to me, without that specific detail being included, all there is to go on is that one half of a couple has expressed feeling hurt and a compromise was reached thereafter. I cannot tell you the number of times that precise dynamic has occurred in my own relationship - that's life. People aren't always happy, things get spoken about, compromises reached. 🤷‍♀️

I haven't read the whole thread, but if I planned a family treat at Christmas, I would make sure the whole family could come.

Same!

Me and my children have broken up from school already.

DH is still working.

Yesterday afternoon I took my 2 tween / teenagers to see Moana 2 at the cinema.
The 3 of us had a lovely afternoon.
My DH could not give a monkeys or bat an eye lid that we went without him.... he's pleased we had a nice afternoon.

But then me and my girls do a LOT with out him..... including holidaying both in this country and abroad. I first took them on a plane by myself when they were pre-school / toddler age.

No way would I ever not do something with them because DH is at work.

He works much more than us (as I work term time) and I make the most of every precious moment as they grow up so fast.
I certainly dont hang around at home because DH is at work and might miss out, and I wouldnt allow myself to be controlled like that either.

I think he’s being ridiculous. He’s in work so you all have to stay home and not do anything together. He also won’t entertain going in the evening after work. So you all cannot go on Xmas eve because dh has decided it. How selfish! If I was at work and my dh wanted to take the kids somewhere I wouldn’t ever demand he stay at home with them because I’m left out.

Further proof that stepparents just can't win.

He wants to go out as a family - he's controlling and a twat.

He doesn't want to go out as a family - LTB, he's 'only' their stepdad

Yadnbu
Is he usually so selfish?

OP's final paragraph is this:

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

She's not asking if she would be unreasonable to go without him, she's already discussed it with him and come to a compromise? She's asking if she was "being mean" with the original plan to go without him. And my personal view on that is, yes actually, a little bit. I personally wouldn't want to arrange a Christmas Eve trip for the rest of the family that my partner couldn't come to, because I'd known that would be hurtful for him and I'd not like it myself either, AND I actually want him there because I like him.

This is a good example of how people project their own experiences. In your family dynamic this is perfectly normal - we don't know enough about OP's family dynamic to know how things usually are.

My husband works shifts and weekends so I'm more likely to take our children places without him than he is without me, but I still let him know our plans in case he wants to be a part of something.

He hates ice skating for example. If I were in a similar situation to OP, I would probably book ice skating when he's not available then save the cinema for when he is.

I just don't think there's enough context for everyone to be jumping in so harshly.

Totally missing the point of the thread but Moana 2 is not a film over which any angst should be caused - the first is a real favourite here too and the second is sadly dreadful 😢

Yep. See also: If you dare suggest an outing without step kids you're an evil stepmother who is going to scar the kids for life! Treat them as your own at all times!!!

Along comes a stepfather wanting to join in with his step kids and expressing his feelings about it: MN- "he's controlling and manipulative!" 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

@dreamer24

She's not asking if she would be unreasonable to go without him,

From the OP...

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

She was asking if SWU to consider doing without him, which is exactly what I said on the post you have quoted.

@dillonbarks

Right ok....? And...? So she's reflecting back on her original thinking pattern and asking for input on it, presumably doubting herself because she's aware she may have been a bit unreasonable? She's now done the healthy relationship thing of discussing it with her partner and reaching a compromise? I still am not seeing the issue, at all?

Same from me too. Some of these replies and comments are insane.

You aren’t being mean, and he isn’t being an arse.

You are planning something to keep everyone busy that afternoon, he sees you having a family outing without him.

it’s just a reframing job. I have a similar husband. We eat at Wetherspoons a LOT!

I certainly don't think the OP was unreasonable for suggesting the outing, nor do I think he was being unreasonable to want to be included, or, if Moana is a big deal in the family, for being hurt that he wasn't. If the OP was never allowed to do anything just her and her children then yes that would be very unreasonable but there's no suggestion of that.

His reaction is very sweet actually and says a lot about how he feels about you and the kids.

You're not unreasonable to make plans while he’s working but I prefer your compromise.

Hope you all enjoy the film x

Now my DS is 14, trips out the house to do anything together are very, very rare.

My DP (DS's Dad) worked shifts up until DS was 10 so I can see both sides here. You've made an alternative arrangement which is great. If my DP expressed a desire to come with us to something, I would try & arrange it so we could all go but he wouldn't make a fuss if it wasn't possible.

Only you know how much of a family thing it is. There are some things with would have done with DD on our own with her at Xmas (but there are other things we'd both really want to be included in).

I know others are saying it's only a Disney film, but it's something he'd really want to see, then fair enough. Give him the choice, go in the afternoon or after he leaves work (even if you know he's likely to say 'no').

DH is working Xmas eve and I have the day off with an already excited 10yo.

We will be going out and doing stuff because otherwise she'll drive me insane with the excited nervous energy. DH knows that she will be excited and want to do Xmas stuff so will have no problem at all with us doing something without him.

What does he expect you to do with the kids all afternoon while he's working and they're getting progressively more amped up about it being nearly Xmas day?

Man begrudges his kids a trip to the cinema on Christmas eve while he works. Twat.

My ds is 14 and autistic and still wouldn't behave like your dh. Autism shouldn't be used as an excuse for bad behaviour, sometimes it's the person & not the condition.

I actually think that’s really cute of him. It’s great that a stepfather wants to be such a part of a family unit like that. And great that you found a compromise to include him. And also great that your teens still like things like that and aren’t too cool for skule. Top family!

@InfoSecInTheCity OP has explained what they are doing, and 2 of the DC are uni age, not excitable 10yo

Sorry so many replies, I wasn’t expecting so many I will answer a few questions;

He is a great step dad with loads of time for the kids, he takes a genuine interest in their lives and can’t do enough for them. No problems there.

Although we all like Moana - it’s not about the film, more so all doing something together that he is hurt about, like we are the family and he is just an add on.

I did ask what we are allowed to do then (allowed being my choice of words as I was a bit annoyed he was making a fuss about it) I asked are we expected to sit in the dark and silence incase he missed out on something and he said don’t be silly, it’s just a family trip that he was sad missing out on.

I do take the kids places on their own or with just two or whatever combination wants to do something, without him at other times so this came as a surprise to me. He hates working the shifts he works and does feel he misses out on a lot because we just carry on without him but it can’t be helped if he’s in work.

He couldn’t book the time off in his job, that wasn’t an option.