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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

255 replies

MerryLiftMass · 20/12/2024 08:01

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

OP posts:
dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:22

@RhaenysRocks

Jesus Christ, that's a bit of a reach. He had a strong preference and expressed it. That's allowed. The OP was free to ignore him but chose not to. When does "each person having their preference considered" become "controlling".

It's not a reach at all, it's a classic example of a red flag. He has controlled OP. It's less about the situation and more about how he did it. A normal chat about the cinema trip involving him saying he would like to go and OP planning it for a time he could go, fine. Him telling her he is 'hurt' becsue she has made plans with her own children when he is at work and her then chasing them to suit his pathetic behaviour, absolutely manipulative.

SJM1988 · 20/12/2024 08:23

Its nice he wants to be part of everything with his step children but sometimes you have to miss out on things when you are working and the children are off.

In our house, my DH finishes work today until after new year (office shut down) and the kids are both off all of next week. (one school and one nursery). School age child is also off the following week. My DH is taking them out for breakfast Monday and probably some activity Tuesday. Then eldest will get Ninja Warrior in MK the following week. I'm a little guttered to be missing out but wouldn't stop them doing anything because of it. That is just how it works.

Being upset about missing out is fine.....making you not go is not fine.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:23

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:21

@dillonbarks
You have taken that he's "manipulative" from just that short paragraph in the OP where he's expressed his feelings about something. Wow. That's incredible.

I am not "excusing" anything, I have an opinion based on what I've read in the OP and it differs to yours, that's allowed 🤷‍♀️

I have taken it form the information available yes. It's not incredible at all, unfortunately so many women are blind to it. I feel sorry for people who can't identify red flags.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:24

@Proteinbananas
I'm not sure why you're speculating about what the family are "allowed" to do in stepdads absence..?? How is that relevant to him expressing that he is upset about not being able to join in family time at Christmas? Nothing I've read in the OP suggests that he is dictating to OP and her kids how to spend their time, unless I'm missing something?

QuietlyStorming · 20/12/2024 08:25

I think it’s lovely he wants to be involved in family time. I don’t think the film is the thing that’s the draw, it’s the togetherness, everyone is a grown up. The sentiment it sweet. I am quite touched when my step dad shows he cares about spending time with us together, even though it’s often not explicit and done in his own roundabout way.

RhaenysRocks · 20/12/2024 08:25

@dillonbarks well I disagree sorry. We all come at these threads with our own background and projections. The children are actually older teens home from uni so I'm guessing family occasions are not as common as they once were and he feels hurt to not be included. God forbid a man actually wants to be involved in his family. Some of these posts are truly bonkers and what gives MN a bad name.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:26

@dillonbarks
Equally, i feel sorry for people who overly analyse and interpret innocuous information and see "red flags" where there are none. But that's allowed, as I said, we are different people with different opinions, C'est la vie 🤷‍♀️

crumblingschools · 20/12/2024 08:26

For those saying he could take Christmas Eve off, some jobs that would be incredibly difficult.

@MerryLiftMass what is he normally like? I think you have reached a good compromise but are you always having to make compromises for him?

Shows it wasn’t kids will have to sit around having no fun or go to cinema choice that some posters think.

How long has he been in your kids lives?

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:26

@RhaenysRocks totally agree with you!

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:28

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:26

@dillonbarks
Equally, i feel sorry for people who overly analyse and interpret innocuous information and see "red flags" where there are none. But that's allowed, as I said, we are different people with different opinions, C'est la vie 🤷‍♀️

You keep saying we are allowed different opinions as if I have said otherwise.

I'm not overly analytical, this one is so obvious.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:29

@dillonbarks
Obvious to whom? Many posters are seeing what I'm seeing, others are interpreting it the same way as you. Which would actually suggest it's open to interpretation and not at all obvious.

Trainstrike · 20/12/2024 08:29

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:28

You keep saying we are allowed different opinions as if I have said otherwise.

I'm not overly analytical, this one is so obvious.

Show quote history

I would be upset if I was the husband in this situation. I wasn't aware that was a red flag to my own husband, I'd best mention it and see if he's ok!

RhaenysRocks · 20/12/2024 08:29

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:28

You keep saying we are allowed different opinions as if I have said otherwise.

I'm not overly analytical, this one is so obvious.

Show quote history

No it really isn't. If it were we'd all be agreeing..it does happen sometimes.

Proteinbananas · 20/12/2024 08:30

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:24

@Proteinbananas
I'm not sure why you're speculating about what the family are "allowed" to do in stepdads absence..?? How is that relevant to him expressing that he is upset about not being able to join in family time at Christmas? Nothing I've read in the OP suggests that he is dictating to OP and her kids how to spend their time, unless I'm missing something?

I am wondering what constitutes 'family time'. As people have referenced this a few times.
The op and her kids are all together on Christmas eve. You can argue that the point at which they decide to do anything nice together becomes 'family time'. So if people are arguing that it's not fair to have 'family time' without the step dad, surely that includes other enjoyable activities?

For me, that's why the step dad is being unfair. It's a shame he has to work but why can't the others do something fun together in his absence?

As I say, if I was working I'd be happy to think of my loved ones having a lovely day. I'd rather that than think of them mooching about doing nothing.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:30

RhaenysRocks · 20/12/2024 08:25

@dillonbarks well I disagree sorry. We all come at these threads with our own background and projections. The children are actually older teens home from uni so I'm guessing family occasions are not as common as they once were and he feels hurt to not be included. God forbid a man actually wants to be involved in his family. Some of these posts are truly bonkers and what gives MN a bad name.

Wanting to be involved and being 'quite put out' and 'hurt' to the point of the whole family changing their plans are not the same.

Pensionswew · 20/12/2024 08:31

Nice that he wants to be involved but he's working so can't.
That would be a normal reaction to this.

I wonder what other rigidity this man has brought to your childrens lives.

I cannot imagine my husband who adores our children making such a fuss over an outing that he just can't make.

I see you have rearranged things.

Is there a lot of that goes on to keep him happy?
I wonder what your childrens honest view of him is?

You were not wrong at all in wanting to take your children to a movie.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:32

@Trainstrike

I would be upset if I was the husband in this situation. I wasn't aware that was a red flag to my own husband, I'd best mention it and see if he's ok!

Why would you be upset?

Also, how would you approach it? Like a grown adult with a conversation about how you might like to join them, resulting in a rethink? Or by being put out and hurt about so they changed their plans to accommodate you?

That's the issue here. Not that he might want to go, how he has gone about it.

SereneCapybara · 20/12/2024 08:32

No you weren't being mean. You had an idea for a festive outing. Personally, I think it's lovely that he wants to join you and do it as a family outing, and reasonable to express his feelings of hurt but not at all okay to sulk or guilt trip you about it. Unless you have a habit of leaving him out of fun stuff while he's working. That would upset me.

The adult conversation goes:
I feel a bit hurt that you planned that outing when I am at work. I'd love to do that as a family outing.
No problem, let's go on Boxing Day instead.
Brilliant. Thanks.
Change of subject.

Starlight1979 · 20/12/2024 08:34

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise

Um, that isn't a compromise. He has told you not to do something and you have obeyed and changed your plans.

crumblingschools · 20/12/2024 08:34

@Proteinbananas but why would the options be go to the cinema or do nothing, there can be, as demonstrated by the compromise reached, other things they could do, not just sit around moping.

Jazz7 · 20/12/2024 08:34

And f it had been something he was free for and said didn’t want to join in with stepkids he’d have been pilloried for that. Men sometimes can’t win on here. It’s not being controlling to admit to being hurt not to be included. Give him credit for wanting to be a family, join in the Xmas fun and accepting mum and stepkids come as a package even now the kids are older. No one misses out with what is now arranged. Some people see problems where there are none

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:34

If my DH expressed that he was upset at missing out on a Christmas Eve cinema visit with our little one, I'd be more than happy to reschedule it for when he could join us. I'd actually much prefer him to join us because, well, DD and I are actually quite fond of him 😂
Not once would it cross my mind to think he's trying to "control" my time ?? I'd just think, fair play; I'd probably feel a bit gutted myself too, and I'd rather we all went anyway, so let's rearrange. I clearly have a vastly different frame of reference than many posters, but this is not something that would ever register in my mind as a negative trait by DH - if anything, I'd find it endearing that he wanted to join us.

Snoken · 20/12/2024 08:35

I would have hated it if me and my mum couldn't do things/outings together without her new partner when I was a teenager/young adult. I didn't choose her partner to be in my life and I still needed to have experiences just me and her.

He has allowed you to stay at home and bake/play games but you are not allowed to take your adult children to watch a movie on your own without him getting upset. That's insane and he is making it all about himself when it never was to begin with. I would have put my foot down and told him that you can go to the cinema with your kids when you feel like it, it's not up to him.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:35

The adult conversation goes:
I feel a bit hurt that you planned that outing when I am at work. I'd love to do that as a family outing.
No problem, let's go on Boxing Day instead.
Brilliant. Thanks.
Change of subject.

This is how I pictured it tbh 🤷‍♀️

Funkyslippers · 20/12/2024 08:35

Unless he particularly wanted to see it (and I can't imagine why a grown man would) I think he's being a bit u. I'm assuming you do other stuff with the kids without him & he's OK with it? But I dont know why you didn't just run it past him in the first place and then decide between Christmas Eve & Boxing Day. We always go to the cinema on Boxing Day & I always check what OH is doing as I know he likes to come if he isn't going to football