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Original poster

Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

255 replies

MerryLiftMass · 20/12/2024 08:01

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 20/12/2024 18:55

Man wants to make the most of the short while his step-children are home from university by spending time with them and his wife.

MN: “what an abusive controlling arsehole”.

12purplepencils · 20/12/2024 21:22

I’m genuinely baffled by all the calls of him being controlling!

SwerveCity · 20/12/2024 21:50

He’s literally complained about them going out without him though, whilst he’s at work. Why not let them go enjoy themselves? No one said he couldn’t go with them another time!

StrikeForever · 21/12/2024 18:03

You were not being unreasonable, but it’s really nice to read that you have reached a happy compromise.

biscuitsandbooks · 21/12/2024 18:05

12purplepencils · 20/12/2024 21:22

I’m genuinely baffled by all the calls of him being controlling!

Because he wants to control what his family does when he's not available to participate. Who does he think he is to tell OP what to do with her own children in her own time?

12purplepencils · 21/12/2024 18:07

are they a family or not though?
if they’re a family I think it’s fine to ask if they don’t mind switching to another equally convenient day so he can go too.

imagine if a mum on here posted about her dh and kids going to see a movie she wanted to see when she was at work, and was feeling hurt they didn’t think to arrange it on another day when she could go too.

biscuitsandbooks · 21/12/2024 18:08

12purplepencils · 21/12/2024 18:07

are they a family or not though?
if they’re a family I think it’s fine to ask if they don’t mind switching to another equally convenient day so he can go too.

imagine if a mum on here posted about her dh and kids going to see a movie she wanted to see when she was at work, and was feeling hurt they didn’t think to arrange it on another day when she could go too.

I'll likely be shot down here, but I do think it's different when there's a step-parent involved.

OP is allowed to spend some time with her children without their step-dad. I also doubt a grown man really wants to see Moana 2 Hmm

ForReasonsUnknown · 21/12/2024 18:14

SwerveCity · 20/12/2024 16:09

Wow and you’re certainly lovely aren’t you. Merry fucking Christmas.

Show quote history

Yeah just like you my love 😍

daleylama · 21/12/2024 21:30

YaWeeFurryBastard · 20/12/2024 08:07

(he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine)

Ffs when will this self diagnosis of autism end! In women it’s under diagnosed, in men that’s much rarer.

The OP appears to be doing the diagnosing, not him.. Have to wonder what else makes it 'clear as day'.

HelmholtzWatson · 22/12/2024 08:37

I'm seeing an alternative thread where he is being unreasonable for not wanting to go...

PC7102 · 22/12/2024 09:17

I would be upset if my husband took our son to watch a film in the cinema we all wanted to watch together. I don’t think he is being unreasonable

Sallywag134 · 22/12/2024 15:10

Since you are all going to the cinema on Boxing Day, you now need something else to do with your children while you wait for him to finish work. I’d book another outing.

JJMama · 22/12/2024 15:18

Be unreasonable if he was inflexible and wouldn’t have gone later. But yes if he’s autistic he would struggle with both being left out (as he sees it), and with the change of routine after work. It would make his brain itch and there’s no other way to describe it!

You did the right thing by deciding to go Boxing Day. It shows you care for him as well as the children; you struck the right balance :-)

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 15:36

PC7102 · 22/12/2024 09:17

I would be upset if my husband took our son to watch a film in the cinema we all wanted to watch together. I don’t think he is being unreasonable

But it's not their son - they're OP's children from her first marriage. She's allowed to spend quality time with them without their step-dad and in fact, she should be encouraged to do so, especially around Christmas.

Original poster
MerryLiftMass · 22/12/2024 16:07

daleylama · 21/12/2024 21:30

The OP appears to be doing the diagnosing, not him.. Have to wonder what else makes it 'clear as day'.

Show quote history

There are tons of things, my youngest is diagnosed Autistic and there are lots of traits;

Just a few for you though, since you were wondering;

He buys multiples of the same clothes in the same colour when he finds something he likes, we are talking 5 or more of an item.

He has the same breakfast weighed out every single day which is made the night before.

He has to have his own cutlery which no one else can use, it’s in its own pouch.

He gets distressed if we have to change gym or something familiar.

He has to have his routine, in bed with a peppermint tea by 9.30

He has to buy treats in twos because he can’t eat one unless he has one left.

He will only buy and use a particular brand of pens and has the same diary every year, a new brand would distress him.

I could go on and on.

OP posts:
VeryStressedMum · 22/12/2024 16:29

If I was planning something with the dc I would ask dh if he wanted to go before I booked it.
If I knew he was working I would also ask if he wanted to do said thing and if he did I would do it at a time where he could make it.
I would probably find something else to do at that time he was working.

If I found out after I had booked something that he would like to do it as well I would change the booking.

I think this is quite normal behaviour, dh would do the same for me.

So it depends on how he said it. If he kicked off and made such a song and dance or was so passive aggressive about it that I felt I had to change it because of his reaction then that's a problem.

daleylama · 22/12/2024 16:46

MerryLiftMass · 22/12/2024 16:07

There are tons of things, my youngest is diagnosed Autistic and there are lots of traits;

Just a few for you though, since you were wondering;

He buys multiples of the same clothes in the same colour when he finds something he likes, we are talking 5 or more of an item.

He has the same breakfast weighed out every single day which is made the night before.

He has to have his own cutlery which no one else can use, it’s in its own pouch.

He gets distressed if we have to change gym or something familiar.

He has to have his routine, in bed with a peppermint tea by 9.30

He has to buy treats in twos because he can’t eat one unless he has one left.

He will only buy and use a particular brand of pens and has the same diary every year, a new brand would distress him.

I could go on and on.

Show quote history

Lordy, sympathy is with you. Can't be easy for him either.

Silvertulips · 22/12/2024 20:14

If I was planning something with the dc I would ask dh if he wanted to go before I booked it.

Thank hod DH was an adult who understood that kids need entertaining!! If he wanted to do X with the kids he was free to do so. We aren’t joined at the hip though.

VeryStressedMum · 22/12/2024 20:46

To be fair I am thinking of what we do now as our dc are grown and we would do things that us parents would find more interesting.

When the dc were little no I wouldn't sit in the house and wait for him.

The OPs children are quite old, ok they were going to see Moana but I would still ask if he wanted to join us and if he did for something in particular then I wouldn't just go ahead without him.

He would also ask me if I wanted to go to something and if I said I would like to do that I cannot imagine him saying well that's a shame and going without me anyway.

CatsnCoffeeetal · 22/12/2024 22:18

YaWeeFurryBastard · 20/12/2024 08:07

(he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine)

Ffs when will this self diagnosis of autism end! In women it’s under diagnosed, in men that’s much rarer.

Absolutely!

Bournetilly · 22/12/2024 22:24

I can understand him feeling like he’s missing out but he is working. He cant expect you just to sit in the house because he’s at work.

crumblingschools · 22/12/2024 22:26

@CatsnCoffeeetal many adults haven’t been diagnosed (male and female)

BigFatLiar · 23/12/2024 03:46

Bournetilly · 22/12/2024 22:24

I can understand him feeling like he’s missing out but he is working. He cant expect you just to sit in the house because he’s at work.

He doesn't.

They're doing something else together while he's at work and going to the cinema together when he isn't.

Considering that it's a pretty normal arrangement eg
I was thinking of taking the kids to the cinema to see ... on Tuesday afternoon
hang on I'd like to come but I'm working then, can we go together when I'm around
OK we can go Thursday and we'll do somehing else on Tuesday
that's fine, thanks, looking forward to it

Only strange thing is OP chose to post this and made it an issue.

Batteredcodmushypeasandafalafal · 28/12/2024 22:10

MerryLiftMass · 22/12/2024 16:07

There are tons of things, my youngest is diagnosed Autistic and there are lots of traits;

Just a few for you though, since you were wondering;

He buys multiples of the same clothes in the same colour when he finds something he likes, we are talking 5 or more of an item.

He has the same breakfast weighed out every single day which is made the night before.

He has to have his own cutlery which no one else can use, it’s in its own pouch.

He gets distressed if we have to change gym or something familiar.

He has to have his routine, in bed with a peppermint tea by 9.30

He has to buy treats in twos because he can’t eat one unless he has one left.

He will only buy and use a particular brand of pens and has the same diary every year, a new brand would distress him.

I could go on and on.

Show quote history

This sounds more like ocd to me, not necessarily autism.

Original poster
MerryLiftMass · 29/12/2024 13:54

Batteredcodmushypeasandafalafal · 28/12/2024 22:10

This sounds more like ocd to me, not necessarily autism.

Show quote history

You could be right, he can’t stand dog hair on his clothes (above and beyond a normal reaction), he won’t let anyone at work make him a cup of coffee, has to make his own.

There are tons of things. Either way there is something going on there.

We all enjoyed Moana, glad we waited for DH and it worked out well.

OP posts: