Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

[MerryLiftMass]

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

Man at work objects to his kids going to the cinema to see a Disney film? That’s a bit much, really. If you were doing a big theatre trip, or something that he’d really enjoy - fair enough to feel a bit miffed that you’d chosen a day he couldn’t go. But this sounds a bit silly to me. (That said, my DH would go to great lengths not to have to sit through a Disney film, so this is maybe altering my perspective….!)

But he's not going to be there!! I think that attitude is incredibly selfish. If I had to work Christmas eve and my husband had arranged this with the kids I'd be chuffed. I'd hate to think of them all kicking about at home when they could be doing something fun.

Perhaps grown man could arrange something different for family time when he is available rather than insist his wife doesn't do something with her teens without him - you know - like most people do ie. those who aren't insecure, control freaks

Are you sure your university age children want to be taken to the cinema to see Moana anyway? 😅

I'm autistic too and understand him being a bit upset about missing out, but would still encourage you all to go and have a nice time.

Are you all supposed to just sit at home waiting for him?

I take DD out all the time without Dh because he’s at work, granted there are only 3 of us but he’s happy she’s doing something she likes and is occupied. We don’t just sit here and switch on when he comes home. He does like Moana though so would be slightly disappointed but he’d get over it.

I think some people need to stop projecting on others behalf's. I said I could see where he's coming from if he's the step parent. I did not say I agreed with it, just offering a different view point. Personally I jump at every possible opportunity to avoid the cinema!

If he wants to go so badly, he can take the afternoon off can’t he.

It’s a sodding trip to the Odeon to pass a bit of time on Christmas Eve, not tea with the queen. Would the kids not have enjoyed doing something fun with just you?

Fuck me this place is so contrary. If he hadn't wanted to go, it woukd be 'lib, he doesn't want to be involved', 'he's only their step-dad', etc, etc.

My husband would be upset if I took the children to see a film he wanted to see without him, and vice versa if he went without me.

In fact this exact situation has happened to me today because we were going to see Moana this afternoon when I finish at 2 but we're waiting til he finishes at 5!

Man pitches a hissy fit at missing a children’s animated film?

This! It does feel a bit like he can't win here. I also don't think it's "ick" for a stepdad to feel sad he's missing out on family time on Christmas Eve. It's not about the specific film, it's about the time together as a family, which he clearly values enough to be upset at missing it.

Why does he get to dictate your time?

Im taking the kids iceskating this afternoon - DH works til 5 then is going out with friends

Jesus Christ, that's a bit of a reach. He had a strong preference and expressed it. That's allowed. The OP was free to ignore him but chose not to. When does "each person having their preference considered" become "controlling".

Why are people thinking it's about the specific film?? Surely that's deliberately obtuse. My partner is 40 and I'm 39, we are taking our toddler to see Moana this month and we are both really excited to go. Not because we love the animation or the storyline - because we love family time together and doing whatever makes our DD smile.

@MerryLiftMass he won your changed your plans.

On a side point moana is my fave kids film , we went to see the new one . It’s not that great. What your doing Xmas eve sounds much better .

@dreamer24

It's not about the specific film, it's about the time together as a family, which he clearly values enough to be upset at missing it.

He isn't upset, he is manipulative.

I often wonder how so many men get away with abusive behaviour and then I see comments like this excusing it.

He’s at work! Do they all have to sit in silence waiting for him to clock off before the festivities begin? He’s being joyless and a dog in the manger.

I think it's nice that he wants to be part of family time

Man pitches a hissy fit at missing a children’s animated film?

Which is going to be watched by his family which consists of at least 3 other adults.

Bloody hell OP. Tell him to get over himself. If it's the only time the rest of you can go together, then tough

But he isn't going to be there? So he isn't having family time on Christmas eve whatever the op does. He either HAS to work or wasn't fussed about family time on Christmas eve so didn't take the day off.
I agree it's not 'ick' but I do think it's selfish. What level of fun stuff should be ok if he's not there? Are they ok to watch a film at home? Make some cookies? He'll be missing out on that too...are they supposed to all just sit quietly til he comes back?

@dillonbarks
You have taken that he's "manipulative" from just that short paragraph in the OP where he's expressed his feelings about something. Wow. That's incredible.

I am not "excusing" anything, I have an opinion based on what I've read in the OP and it differs to yours, that's allowed 🤷‍♀️