Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

255 replies

MerryLiftMass · 20/12/2024 08:01

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

OP posts:
dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:36

Jazz7 · 20/12/2024 08:34

And f it had been something he was free for and said didn’t want to join in with stepkids he’d have been pilloried for that. Men sometimes can’t win on here. It’s not being controlling to admit to being hurt not to be included. Give him credit for wanting to be a family, join in the Xmas fun and accepting mum and stepkids come as a package even now the kids are older. No one misses out with what is now arranged. Some people see problems where there are none

@Jazz7 totally agree

Horationor · 20/12/2024 08:37

If it's a family thing that you all go to see Moana usually, i don't think its unreasonable

The compromise sounds lovely and fair.

Snoken · 20/12/2024 08:37

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:34

If my DH expressed that he was upset at missing out on a Christmas Eve cinema visit with our little one, I'd be more than happy to reschedule it for when he could join us. I'd actually much prefer him to join us because, well, DD and I are actually quite fond of him 😂
Not once would it cross my mind to think he's trying to "control" my time ?? I'd just think, fair play; I'd probably feel a bit gutted myself too, and I'd rather we all went anyway, so let's rearrange. I clearly have a vastly different frame of reference than many posters, but this is not something that would ever register in my mind as a negative trait by DH - if anything, I'd find it endearing that he wanted to join us.

I do really think that's different. This is a mum and her adult kids wanting to go to the cinema together and a new partner/step dad is saying no. Her kids most likely don't have the same type of relationship to their step dad as your young child has to their dad.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/12/2024 08:37

I think the fact that as 2 of the children are actually adults at uni changes the dynamics somewhat because family time is going to be limited. So yeah maybe a trip to the cinema is a big thing. We aren't talking little kids sat bored in doors we are talking adults who will be home for a couple of weeks and spending a lot of time out with their friends of an evening. And other teenagers who also spend a lot of time with mates not parents. So if there is something they all want to do as family time then yeah I think it's hurtful to do it if one member can't make it one day but everyone can make it a different day.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:38

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:32

@Trainstrike

I would be upset if I was the husband in this situation. I wasn't aware that was a red flag to my own husband, I'd best mention it and see if he's ok!

Why would you be upset?

Also, how would you approach it? Like a grown adult with a conversation about how you might like to join them, resulting in a rethink? Or by being put out and hurt about so they changed their plans to accommodate you?

That's the issue here. Not that he might want to go, how he has gone about it.

How do you know how he has gone about it? That detail isn't in the OP...? We don't know the specifics of how he raised the conversation when he expressed feeling hurt and wanting to go, do we?

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 20/12/2024 08:39

I'd be really annoyed if I'd missed out on a trip to see Moana, it was DDs fave Disney film growing up and so I'd love to see the sequel in the cinema with her.

If DP and DD went without me then I'd be stuck waiting for it on TV. I've got no problem going to the cinema on my own but a 45 year old bloke going to a Disney film by himself looks a bit odd.

WaitingforStrike · 20/12/2024 08:39

I imagine the teens might have preferred a trip with just their mum.
Their step dad certainly wasn't putting them first was he.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:40

@Snoken sorry, where is the detail about stepdad being a "new" partner? I must have missed that, please could you point me to it?
I'd assumed they were a long standing family as I hadn't read anything about him being new.

IamSallyBowles · 20/12/2024 08:40

this one seems quite divisive - some say OK some say not.

Living with ASD diagnosed and undiagnosed in the house - I see it as not straight forward. Not necessarily manipulative as some suggest.

it's the kind of thing that would bother DH because it is Christmas Eve, more than it would any other time of year. Christmas Eve is a family day and he loves it more than Christmas Day. He'd hate to be left out of a family outing.

It's not the same as distracting a couple of overexcited toddlers/small kids - this is a trip to the cinema on Christmas Eve with older kids because the film means something to the family. To leave out one member of the family could leave that person feeling a bit disappointed

RhaenysRocks · 20/12/2024 08:40

I feel like this is about semantics now. This often happens when a single word or phrase is lifted from the op and used to justify a particular interpretation. It's MN, not a deposition in a court case. Man said he wasn't happy about an idea, a perfectly acceptable alternative plan was formed. All this stuff about not "being allowed" to go etc is projection in my view. I'm sorry if some posters have experienced a level of control that makes them see this in that way but I really think it's an overreach here. The OP asked if her original plan had been mean...no, it wasn't but she didn't realise how he felt and now she does she is taking it into account. If she's said they were all disappointed and sad as a result, that would be different.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:41

@IamSallyBowles

Living with ASD diagnosed and undiagnosed in the house - I see it as not straight forward. Not necessarily manipulative as some suggest.

Even if the reason is autism, the behaviour is still manipulative.

IamSallyBowles · 20/12/2024 08:43

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:41

@IamSallyBowles

Living with ASD diagnosed and undiagnosed in the house - I see it as not straight forward. Not necessarily manipulative as some suggest.

Even if the reason is autism, the behaviour is still manipulative.

did you read my post? I don't think it is manipulative at all.

Edenmum2 · 20/12/2024 08:43

Yeah I wonder what your children think about the control he has over you all

Porcuporpoise · 20/12/2024 08:43

Spirallingdownwards · 20/12/2024 08:10

You do if you think it is acceptable for a man to tell his wife she can't take kids to the cinema without him I am afraid and what is even more sad is you don't realise it is an issue.

Show quote history

He didn't tell her she couldn't take them he was hurt that they were going without him, so they changed the time so they could all go. Not seeing the problem.

Porcuporpoise · 20/12/2024 08:44

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:41

@IamSallyBowles

Living with ASD diagnosed and undiagnosed in the house - I see it as not straight forward. Not necessarily manipulative as some suggest.

Even if the reason is autism, the behaviour is still manipulative.

Bring hurt is manipulative? Only women are "entitled to their feelings" then?

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 20/12/2024 08:44

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:23

I have taken it form the information available yes. It's not incredible at all, unfortunately so many women are blind to it. I feel sorry for people who can't identify red flags.

Show quote history

I feel sorry for women why take every behaviour from a man as a red flag.

sinckersnack · 20/12/2024 08:45

I'm with DH - and I'm usually not a big family time type person. But this is a fun Christmas event that he'd like to go to arranged when you know he can't go. Many women would be upset if their DH said he'd arranged a family trip without her. We all do different things but if my DH had said he'd wanted to come to something we'd have made it so he could, (and same for us all). Sounds fun OP

Gsgsyska · 20/12/2024 08:45

Its nice to read that you handled it so well 👏
Both myself and my daughter struggle with flexibility of thought and it can take me a few days to realise I was being unreasonable. It’s great that you’ve reached a compromise that youre all happy with.

WaitingforStrike · 20/12/2024 08:46

Porcuporpoise · 20/12/2024 08:43

He didn't tell her she couldn't take them he was hurt that they were going without him, so they changed the time so they could all go. Not seeing the problem.

Show quote history

He did a bit more than that - "DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it." - if the OP had still gone it sounds like it would have set a negative tone for Christmas, with him "really put out", "left out" etc.

Proteinbananas · 20/12/2024 08:46

RhaenysRocks · 20/12/2024 08:40

I feel like this is about semantics now. This often happens when a single word or phrase is lifted from the op and used to justify a particular interpretation. It's MN, not a deposition in a court case. Man said he wasn't happy about an idea, a perfectly acceptable alternative plan was formed. All this stuff about not "being allowed" to go etc is projection in my view. I'm sorry if some posters have experienced a level of control that makes them see this in that way but I really think it's an overreach here. The OP asked if her original plan had been mean...no, it wasn't but she didn't realise how he felt and now she does she is taking it into account. If she's said they were all disappointed and sad as a result, that would be different.

I do agree with this though.

I stand by the fact that not wanting your family to do something like the cinema without you is selfish.

Manipulative and controlling I don't see though based only on the op's post.

Borninabarn32 · 20/12/2024 08:46

He wants to watch moana and won't have an excuse without the kids.

crumblingschools · 20/12/2024 08:46

@Snoken he is referred to as DH so assume not new boyfriend, not sure where you got that from.

He could have been in the kid’s lives for years, maybe a better ‘dad’ than their own.

MN is funny with step parents, SM shouldn’t have to be part of their stepchildren’s lives, stepdads are control freaks if they want to do something with them

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:47

@CyranoDeBergerQuack

I feel sorry for women why take every behaviour from a man as a red flag.

That's not me. Spitting one obvious behaviour in one situation does not mean what you seem to think it does.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:48

@Porcuporpoise I did wonder about that too! Interesting take: to regard a man expressing hurt feelings as "manipulative". Something women do day in day out, and no one bats an eyelid.

Proteinbananas · 20/12/2024 08:48

Is the new Moana film a Christmas film?! Just seeing someone refer to going to the cinema to see it as a 'fun Christmas event' which surprised me

Swipe left for the next trending thread