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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving DH out on Christmas eve

255 replies

MerryLiftMass · 20/12/2024 08:01

DH is working Christmas eve until 6.30, home for 7ish. I am also working Christmas eve but finish at the latest 1pm, probably a bit earlier.

I mentioned that I might take the kids to the cinema to watch the new Moana film in the afternoon, for context the kids are all teenagers but Moana is their favourite Disney film and it's rare we are all together these days with the eldest two being in Uni.

DH (Step-Dad of the children) was really put out that we were going to go without him. He said it's a family trip and we are just leaving him out. He was actually quite hurt about it.

I thought there is no point us all missing out just because he has to work. There is no way he would go after work because he is very rigid (he is autistic, not diagnosed but clear as day, he doesn't like to change from routine) and wouldn't want to be getting back from the cinema so late and wouldn't have chance to have dinner as the later showing is at 7.30.

So was I being unreasonable to think we could go without him?

Just for clarity, we have decided to go on boxing day when we can all go and I will do some festive baking and board games with the teens on Christmas eve so we have already reached a compromise, I just wanted to sense check if I was being mean.

OP posts:
dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:48

Borninabarn32 · 20/12/2024 08:46

He wants to watch moana and won't have an excuse without the kids.

😂

dontcryformeargentina · 20/12/2024 08:48

Poor children - their life is dictated by a selfish man whose interests are prioritised more by their mum.

JennyTals · 20/12/2024 08:49

Sounds like you need to explain to him it’s good for then not have some one to one time as it’s a different dynamic

also please don’t pander to him like this

ye sits nice he wants to be involved
but you could have gone on Xmas even
had time that’s different as there’s only one parent there
then all done something nice together on Boxing Day
gone out somewhere

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:49

Proteinbananas · 20/12/2024 08:48

Is the new Moana film a Christmas film?! Just seeing someone refer to going to the cinema to see it as a 'fun Christmas event' which surprised me

I'd assume the reference to a fun Christmas event was the day it's taking place, ie Christmas Eve, as opposed to the theme of the film.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:49

@Porcuporpoise

Bring hurt is manipulative? Only women are "entitled to their feelings" then?

No, that's not what I have said.

His being 'hurt' about his wife and her children going to the cinema without him and her changing the plans to suit him, that's manipulation. He is a grown adult ffs. Hurt is a massive over reaction and used to make her change her plans.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/12/2024 08:50

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:24

@Proteinbananas
I'm not sure why you're speculating about what the family are "allowed" to do in stepdads absence..?? How is that relevant to him expressing that he is upset about not being able to join in family time at Christmas? Nothing I've read in the OP suggests that he is dictating to OP and her kids how to spend their time, unless I'm missing something?

It isn't family time if all the family aren't available. It is spare time OP has with her kids. He has made a simple everyday cinema trip about him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/12/2024 08:51

I think he was very unreasonable OP and I’m sorry to hear you’ve changed your plans.

You should be able to do something with your kids on the last day of term. You might not all feel like it on Boxing Day, and it’s a bit of a waste of a lovely opportunity to do something with your kids.

Billydavey · 20/12/2024 08:51

Good old mumsnet. Never miss a chance to have a go at a man, and if the reasons he’s an arse aren’t there in the OP then just make them up.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:51

His being 'hurt' about his wife and her children going to the cinema without him and her changing the plans to suit him, that's manipulation.

No. Sorry, totally disagree.
A partnership is about considering both parties feelings. If one partner feels hurt, the healthy thing for them to do is to verbalise that and then work with the other person to come to a compromise. OP's post states that exactly that happened - they reached a compromise. That's normal relationship stuff.

Letsgotitans · 20/12/2024 08:51

Glittertwins · 20/12/2024 08:04

I can see where he's coming from - its a family thing and it seems that he is not being included, especially as he's the step parent.

But where does it end? When he's at work should they not leave the house at all?

Trainstrike · 20/12/2024 08:51

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:32

@Trainstrike

I would be upset if I was the husband in this situation. I wasn't aware that was a red flag to my own husband, I'd best mention it and see if he's ok!

Why would you be upset?

Also, how would you approach it? Like a grown adult with a conversation about how you might like to join them, resulting in a rethink? Or by being put out and hurt about so they changed their plans to accommodate you?

That's the issue here. Not that he might want to go, how he has gone about it.

I'd be upset because Moana 2 is a film we've wanted to see for a while (similar to OP in that the first one is a family favourite) and if he took the children without me I'd have to wait til it was on Disney+.

I would tell my husband that I wanted to see it and ask that he wait until we're all off together. Then probably suggest something else they could do together like the OP has settled on - board games, lunch, walk to see some lights etc.

People don't tend to go to the cinema twice to see the same film so it's a bit more of a "miss it, miss out" event to me.

I agree there's a lot of projection on here about step-parents. I've been in my DSD's life since she was 2 and would feel left out if my husband took her (and our other children) without me.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:51

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:48

@Porcuporpoise I did wonder about that too! Interesting take: to regard a man expressing hurt feelings as "manipulative". Something women do day in day out, and no one bats an eyelid.

I would feel the same if the sexes were reversed here. Stopping an adult taking their kids to the cinema is manipulation.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:52

Billydavey · 20/12/2024 08:51

Good old mumsnet. Never miss a chance to have a go at a man, and if the reasons he’s an arse aren’t there in the OP then just make them up.

Haha pretty much!! Mind blowing.

Billydavey · 20/12/2024 08:52

Snoken · 20/12/2024 08:37

I do really think that's different. This is a mum and her adult kids wanting to go to the cinema together and a new partner/step dad is saying no. Her kids most likely don't have the same type of relationship to their step dad as your young child has to their dad.

Show quote history

And how do you know that? How long has he been their stepdad?

Onlycoffee · 20/12/2024 08:53

You're allowed to do things with your DC without him.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:54

@dillonbarks

Stopping an adult taking their kids to the cinema is manipulation.

Oh i agree with you on this. But thankfully, that's not what's happened here. No one has "stopped" anyone from doing anything - that would I agree be controlling and unacceptable. What has in fact happened based on the limited information in the OP, is that one partner has shared their feelings, a discussion has taken place, and a compromise reached. Normal, healthy relationship stuff.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:54

@Trainstrike

I would tell my husband that I wanted to see it and ask that he wait until we're all off together.

Which is a reasonable way to approach the situation. The OPDH being put out and hurt and her changing plans, which she imdid not want to do and has bothered her enough to make a thread about it, not a reasonable way to approach.

Grown adults being 'hurt' about insignificant events in order to control others is not ok.

Grown adults saying 'you know what; o fancy going to that too' and a replan happens - totally fine.

crumblingschools · 20/12/2024 08:55

@dillonbarks but they are still going to the cinema. I would want to know if this is typical behaviour of his before deciding whether he is manipulative/controlling etc.

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:55

@dillonbarks
Again, I refer back to my earlier comment - how do you know the specifics of what was said and how? OP hasn't provided that level of detail.

WingsofRain · 20/12/2024 08:55

My partner is going to the Christmas market in the city two hours away today but I have to work. I’m disappointed because I’d love to go and I won’t get a chance, but I’m not stopping him.

Your husband is being very unreasonable.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:55

@dreamer24

Oh i agree with you on this. But thankfully, that's not what's happened here. No one has "stopped" anyone from doing anything - that would I agree be controlling and unacceptable. What has in fact happened based on the limited information in the OP, is that one partner has shared their feelings, a discussion has taken place, and a compromise reached. Normal, healthy relationship stuff.

So healthy OP has made a thread asking if SWBU to consider going to the cinema without him.

dillonbarks · 20/12/2024 08:55

dreamer24 · 20/12/2024 08:55

@dillonbarks
Again, I refer back to my earlier comment - how do you know the specifics of what was said and how? OP hasn't provided that level of detail.

I know what OP had posted. That is all.

Projectme · 20/12/2024 08:57

Wow, that's a bit controlling. I know for a fact my DH would say 'crack on and I'll see you when you all get back; shall we do a takeout to finish the day off?'

I can see why he'd be a bit disappointed to not be included but he's not compromising at all is he? i.e. you couldn't consider the later showing because of his routine. I'm afraid that if he's not prepared to break his routine then I'd not be changing my plans...

housethatbuiltme · 20/12/2024 08:58

I mean DH encourages me to go places with the kids while hes at work but if he said 'I wanted to see that too' then I would just pick something else and we would go together when we could all see that one.

Onelifeonly · 20/12/2024 08:58

I haven't read the whole thread, but if I planned a family treat at Christmas, I would make sure the whole family could come. If I knew one member wasn't bothered about not being included, I might change the choice of treat. But I wouldn't go and leave someone out just because they couldn't attend, especially when there are other opportunities to go - as, in this case, Boxing Day.

Seems like, because he's 'only' step dad, it was considered ok to leave him out.

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