Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

I would have let her go. Your SIL wants to take her niece out, your elder DD is not her niece.

I dont hold with trying to blend families by pretending relationships exist that aren't there. If I was your SIL I'd bring them both, but nobody has to.

I can’t imagine why in-laws think being spiteful to step dc is ok.
I’m with you op.
Your dd has known your dh at least 5 years since she was 4.
Your dh is right to put on a united front.

I think it depends on the relationships involved really, if they’re equally close to both children then it does seem nasty to exclude the older one but I suppose it does depend on the individual, if I was her I’d have taken both but equally if I was you then I’d have let her go. If older one was going out with her dad for her birthday then would you insist she can’t go if the younger child isn’t also going because it’s unfair?

How rude!!! You were 100% right. Both your children should be treated the same.

Id be doing exactly the same. Either both go or neither do.

I can see both sides and neither right or wrong. Could you offer to pay for your older daughter to join them. My family would treat them all equal where as my dh family wouldn't and doesn't see me or my children as anything. This is fine as we don't have joint children. Although they expect my help when they ask dh to baby sit or if they want something

I would not allow the youngest to go either. Your husband should have said something to his sister, he is living and helping to bring up your child.

But to play devils advocate then how does that work when older child goes out with their dad for birthday & Christmas?

Did you offer to pay for your daughter to join them? If so and they still said no then they're clearly just being mean but if not then it may just be a cost issue.

You'll probably get replies stating yabu and your eldest isn't her neice but I think it's really mean spirited to exclude the older child.

I hope your husband doesn't waver. When he married you, he knew you and your daughter were a package deal and she became his family. If his extended family don't accept that then they aren't worth knowing.

I'd lose respect for them and distance myself if I were you

I would have discreetly asked if eldest could join but I wouldn't deny youngest an outing with their family. I would have taken older one out 1-1 on same day for a treat

If they were full siblings I would say you are 100% right.

But they aren't your eldest dds family and your youngest should not be punished for that.

It is a shame for your elder dd, but perhaps you can use it to do something special with her, go get your nails painted, go to the cinema, go for a meal just the 2 of you.

Fair doesn't ever mean the same in blended families I'm afraid.

I’d of let her go. So many second family siblings miss out on events and relationships with their families to save the existing half sibling with no thought to their feelings.

Maybe find the thread where the mums basically being cut off by her younger two children as she always favoured the eldest and basically cut them off from their dads side to protect her oldest. The younger hate their mother and oldest sibling for sabotaging their family relationships.

Just because your dh is happy to be a step dad, doesn’t mean his family have to be step aunties and granny’s.

They will say well she’s not family and I can kind of see their point. I can see yours too. Your older child has an absent father and therefore an absent family, and you want her to feel as much a part of this family as possible. Which is fair enough, I think.

Were I your SIL I’d have invited your older child along. It’s a nice thing to do for a child you are not related to, but who is the stepchild of your brother and therefore will be part of his life.

only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

If her dad and his family take the 9 year old for a “tea” do they include the younger sibling?

I dont understand those who say they are not family. Your children are siblings as such your daughter is now SILs extended family and it is mean to exclude her from a family outing.

I'm with you op, your kids come as a package. They are treating your eldest like an outcast. Not on.

Why didn't you offer to pay for your older daughter?

I'd say completely different. This is extended family who appear to be involved with the OPs family. Presumably the OPs daughter sees them regularly, she'll have some kind of relationship with them as the step sister of their grand daughter/niece.

So she's part of the family when it suits them, then excluded at other times.

How do you explain to her that the cousins she possibly saw at Grans a few weeks ago are going to the panto and her sister is invited but she's not

The OPs other daughter won't have any kind of relationship with her step sisters Dad - sounds like he's not around much anyway

The children share the extended family because theyre around.

• MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t outing with them was a slippery slope. *

Letting one of your kids go while the other is excluded seems to me more of a 'slippery slope' here.

I don't think that's a fair comparison. The older child sees her "father" twice a year if she's lucky.

She lives with OP full-time and her DH is more of a dad to her than her real dad

A lot of people will say as your older DD is not her niece the it’s fine but I totally disagree. Yes your youngest DD is her biological niece but to make a child feel left out regardless if it’s blood relation or not is a fucking shitty thing to do and makes her a really fucking shitty human.

Does your elder daughter's paternal relatives take your younger kid out on day trips?

I'd have planned a trip with DD to do something more grown up without her sister that day and get some quality 1:1 with her.

I grew up in a blended family so I know all about situations where you may be left out etc etc etc

But yes I think your younger daughter should have been able to go by herself in this situation

Within your nuclear family, your DDs should obviously be treated as equal.

However its up to other relatives if they see them this way. Your SIL is allowed to want a relationship with her (biological) niece. Its also within her prerogative to feel differently about an older child... although I'm guessing she's known her since she was about 3 or 4 years at least.