Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Do all of you militant responders who want to make a stand, go to war, and stop the younger dd from having a relationship with her wider family etc. not realise there are other ways to combat inequalities?
It sounds like this is a once a year occasion.
Why don't the OP and her dh instigate a new occasion in the summer perhaps? That involves all the dns and their parents? Perhaps include the child free uncle and partner?
And perhaps her dh could build his relationship with his dsis to the point where they could actually talk about the Christmas outing? And explore whether there's an oversight or lack of understanding etc. Perhaps he could raise the possibility of him paying for his step dd next year?
There's going to be discussion in the OP's family about the differences in their 2 dd's family. Dealing with inequalities is part of growing up and the OP can support her elder dd in dealing with differences or madly try and avoid those differences being apparent which is not necessarily the most helpful long term.

I never understood how someone can leave a child out in circumstances like these. It's cruel and causes so so much harm to the 'step' child who never asked to be in that situation and is only in that situation because of actions of one or both parents.

I'm with you @ThatRubyMoose I have always fully included relatives no matter how they joined the family.

This

She's being brought up by the DH, she's as good as SIL's 'niece'. Or do you think bonds are made by blood alone?

I can never understand that attitude of shunning a child simply because they are not blood, we are a blended family, all children are treated equally, whether they are in our family for years or just months, they are children at the end of the day. Maybe I feel so strongly because I've been that child.

They don't even take the eldest out on day trip!

it's no comparison anyway

I know you don't have to embrace someone's stepchildren as your own extended family, but (especially in cases where they have been around for a number of years and don't really know any different) I always think less of people who would leave a stepchild out of a family occasion or treat that their half siblings (who they live with) are invited to. It's just a really shitty, petty and unnecessarily unkind thing to do.

Adopted dc are completely different they are treated as biological dc, obviously.

The inlaws don't have to view the op's eldest as their grandchild, niece etc because she isn't. Nothing cruel about it it is just facts. If I had an older dc there is no way I'd expect my inlaws to treat equally gift wise as their actual grandchild/niece.

Obviously step parents should try and treat all dc equally but it is a stretch to expect inlaws to do so.

I think it would be horrible to exclude a child!

I think your children will need each other for many years, that is the most important relationship to nurture. This could easily breed resentment and resentment is hard to come back from.

Yes absolutely this. A ridiculous comparison

What has it to do with their ages??

Eldest is the same age as others going.

So when she sees them all over Christmas & the kids the same age went to the show, her young sibling went & it was only her that didn't ... how's that going to make her feel?

you can't make up the emotional hurt at being left out because you don't have the dna if the man who is bring you up, being your dad.

There was a thread on here recently where the second child had not been allowed to have a relationship with their father’s family, as the father’s family did not make the same level of fuss over their elder half-sibling. The OP’s younger child had cut them off; resentment works both ways.

Oh stop that, ffs.

I meant they two children cannot be treated the same all the time because they are completely different ages and have different needs. Having a blanket rule that if one can't have something or do something the other isn't allowed either is a great way to cause problems. They are two people they don't need to be treated identically.

@ScribblingPixie

they obviously have 'been on the same page' for the 4/5 years whilst they've not included her on this treat every year. With same age children.

How can anyone justify leaving a child out?
I’m so sorry for your elder DC.
Can I suggest you make it clear to in-laws that excluding your elder DC from the wider family means you are obviously excluded too, and your other child.

I could never leave a child out like this. I'm always really surprised by the common views on MN on this issue.

There's a lot of talk about forcing feelings and suddenly gaining a family member. I don't think anybody needs to force feelings. It's actions we're talking about, not feelings. The action is just inviting the sibling of your biological niece along because it's a nice thing to do, because she doesn't have anyone else to do it with and because she's just a child.

I mean yeah, you have gained a new family member overnight, but that's just what happens when families blend.

As for what happens if the two parents break up in future? However hard it will be for you, it'll be even harder for the poor child who once again has lost family and once again didn't ask for this. I'm not sure that just never getting close to her in the first place, and denying her those family experiences at all is the best way forward.

Also, while you have rights when it comes to your own children, you don't have rights to see your nieces, nephews, grandchildren, cousins etc. whether biologically related to you or not. So there's always the chance that they will suddenly be taken away from you.

Nobody expects you to feel it immediately, but generally if I spend time around a child in my family regularly, get to know them, see them grow etc. I will grow to love them. I don't know if I could love a stepchild like my biological child, but I can definitely love a step niece/nephew like my biological nieces and nephews.

I can't abide people who leave one kid out because they are not related to it. Your older child is her neice's sibling. I could perhaps understand it if you had 6 other kids she would need to invite but one is just mean.

I think I would point out that it would be nice if they could treat both of them as their neices. As you won’t be allowing them to be treated differently as dd sees your dh as a father figure I’m assuming.

Of course it is! If he had adopted the OP's child would they have behaved differently??

Perfectly reasonable question.

Excluding elder DD in these circumstances is the equivalent of saying OP isn’t part of the family as she’s ‘only’ related by marriage. But I bet it’s her (rather than DH) who buys presents for SIL kids - who by that definition are not her nieces, just DH’s.

I cant stand people who feel it is ok to exclude children because they are step children. Its just cruel and nasty and can never be justified.

OP could have neatly side-stepped this rather than being affronted. So many posters have suggested a mother & daughter outing. That would have been lovely. Yes, it would have been nicer for sister in law to take both children but that hasn't happened - and she's not obliged to but what you've done is to take a decision to exclude the younger daughter from a pantomime with her aunt and family and really making.a.point.

'Thin end of the wedge' is right and, when it comes to inheritance the situation will probably become very clear indeed.

It's all very well to stamp your feet and dictate that because you've decided to blend a family that everyone else must step in line with that but, they won't always. You can make a situation very much worse quite easily by insisting on feelings and relationships that haven't grown/don't exist.

Your choice, OP. Your husband and youngest daughter are blood relations to his family. If it were me, I would be reducing the importance of wider family and making up for anything 'missing' myself.

Families can be a nightmare. To some families “blood” is everything. My adopted child has been written out of her grandparents will and was always treated as a second class member of the family.

This is all incredibly hurtful of course and I have sympathy with the OP. I have come to realise that you cannot make wider family love & accept your child. Some people have lots of love to give, others not so much.

There will probably much more of this to come, so a frank conversation with your husband and in laws would be helpful. You and your husband need to agree how to approach this. How you decide to, will have long lasting impact on both of your children. There is no easy choice, and yes, you shouldn’t have to make it. But at some point both of your girls will realise that the younger is not going because the older is not invited. This can impact their relationship.

Equity not equality is important.