Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Not it’s not quite the same but kids don’t understand. I would have been annoyed as a child if this was the case as the youngest won’t see it as fair. So the eldest has another father come and take her out maybe twice a year but the youngest doesn’t get that?

We as adults can have an opinion but I can guarantee kids have a different view sometimes around what’s fair etc.

I’m with you OP. I’m sorry but it sounds like they have no respect for the fact your DH married someone with a child from a previous relationship. Your 9 year old lives with you and DH full time too. no way I would let one go without the other.

I'm on the fence. It's your husband side not taking your daughter but if it was your daughter going with ex partners sister would you really expect/would your husband allow, your youngest to go too? I understand it's not fair but it's also fair.

This is what should have happened.

Each child has a different family, the younger presumably doesn't attend the meetups with the elders father and his relatives.

These threads are always the same. Someone with a previous child marries someone, has another child with them, and especially if the first child doesn’t have much relationship with their other family; expects the new IL’s to slot in to make up the difference, and treat both DC exactly the same. But no-one checks with the IL’s how they feel first, leading to much confusion and ill-feeling.

At the end of the day, the new partner has married into an existing family, but their family has not, unless they choose to. Seems unfair the second child has to miss out on family time, just because they have an older sibling with a less-involved family.

If I were SIL I’d have offered to bring both children, but I’m not sure it’s fair to deny the little one time with her extended family either. Do the ILs know both children well? Is SIL comfortably off and easily able to afford the treat? Are the children both well behaved when out and about? Just asking in case there are other issues that are having an impact on SILs decision.

Absolutely this.

If a man married a Mum who already has a DC he takes on that DC as if it were his own. That's what my DH did and 2 of my DC had ADHD so we're not easy DC but I told him we came as a package deal. Thankfully his parents are lovely and treated my DC as grandchildren from the first time they met them which was about 10 months into our relationship. They have never treated their biological DGC differently to my DC. Now my DC are grown up and FiL is dead and MiL is old and alone and my DC go to visit her and take her for a cream tea or just to buy an ice cream because she lives by seaside and when they were younger PiL would both take a week off from work and have my DC for a week on their own. They would go somewhere nice every day and would not let me leave money to pay for them to get into places either. In your position I'd not allow one DC to be treated differently to other DC. It would be, take both DC or take none. Your DH should support his family unit and not allow it to be divided. I will always love and respect my PiL for enriching my DC childhood and including them in everything.

This. I’ve never been in a similar situation but if my sister was to re marry and take on new DH’s child I would absolutely make an effort to involve them and invite them. I can never understand the nerve or some people who would leave a young child out. 9 year old lives with DH full time too! I think it’s horrible

This seems like the very simplest solution. The children can't be treated the same all the time regardless of how you think they should be because of their ages and it's unfair to expect that.

It would probably have been lovely for your eldest to have some 1-1 time without her sibling.

How often does SIL see your 9 year old?

Will you never let younger DD do anything with her extended family which doesn’t include her sister?

What you've done is fine IMO. I've no advice on the way forward re gift giving now it's clear you're not all on the same page. The most important thing is for you and your husband to be in agreement.

That's a load of bollocks.

You don't get to inform people that this unrelated child is now your grandkid, nice, sister etc and demand they're equal in all things. That makes you a shitty human.

And telling a child they can't see their own relatives unless the relatives also include another child is completely unfair.

Two people wanting to blend a family don't get to tell everyone else in their lives what to do and how to feel. It's so controlling.

If the step family choose to include step children 'as their own', that's great and a lovely bonus. The expectation that they should is, in my view, unreasonable.
It's smacks of wanting the step family to compensate for the shit paternal family. Because, if Dad and his extended family, was active in the child's life, this wouldn't be such an issue, would it? But that's not the responsibility of the family you married into.
I understand how it hurts for you because your 2 dds have different life experiences. But sadly that's the case for many. Not just because of blended families, but because of factors such as disability or age etc.
Turn the situation round. If they doted on your dd but you and your dh divorced, he and his family would have no legal right to any relationship with your older dd.

Are you spending Christmas with your MIL and SIL? If so, I'd have said no too as it would be very obvious that one child from the gang had been excluded from a lovely Christmas outing.

If you are doing something separate to that side of the family, then I'd have let your youngest go as it's unlikely to be brought up again over the Christmas period, and you'd be able to do something equally if not more fun with your eldest.

In my family, we always treated my brother's step-children in exactly the same way that we treat his biological children. As far my parents are concerned, his step-children will always be their grandchildren, and to my sister and I they will always be our niece and nephew. So to me, absolutely YANBU.

But with this logic, what if OP had 3 older kids? Should they all get to go?

And what does the youngest do when the oldest does see her dad? Is the dad expected to take the youngest too?

It gets too complicated.

I would use this as an opportunity to do something special with your oldest daughter to show that because she was your first she is special in a different way.

Kids in step families can’t be treated exactly the same all the time but they have to be made to feel like their position in the family is special and important.

This could be the start of a wonderful tradition where mum and oldest DD time do something nice just them each year, rather than something negative.

This.

I've known families where this approach has inadvertently caused distress for the biological child(ren)!
One (set) of children benefit from three extended families. The child(ren) of the married parents only have 2!
And of course, there are benefits from having parents together that outweighs a 3rd extended family, but it just proves that the relationships are different.

YANBU. Your children should be treated the same.

Of course the other thing is that you haven't been invited. It's all the women except you, but they want your daughter. I think it's a bit weird of your SIL altogether.

This!!

Younger child is her niece though.

Well I would have let her go. Your older DD is not SILs niece, and it's not exactly a cheap activity.

That's mean, I couldn't bring myself to leave a child out like that just because they're a "step".
I also don't think your DD should miss out on family time either.
Could you offer to pay for your eldest so she can go too?