Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

How do you think their Niece will feel when she’s a bit older and thinks back to how her Aunt treated her sister? I can guarantee you if my family had treated my older brother like that, I’d have been sad, angry and confused when I was old enough to understand what was happening. I’d have felt that they were spiteful weird adults, who I didn’t want a close relationship with. My older brother is no different to my younger brother to me, no different at all. In fact we’re probably closer!

@HomeAgainPlease completely agree. My family and my husband's both have step and half siblings. I was a step child and only have half and step siblings (I'm closer to ex step siblings than I am half blood siblings).

DH and I were just saying yesterday about how uncomfortable we feel when relatives bad mouth an ex/a child's parent in ear shot of the child, thinking they're not listening or can't hear.

We do listen. We absorb the mood in the room. We detect when someone is being unkind about our mum or dad. We notice things like the size of presents, excluding certain children because of bloodline, we pick up on tension and moods and actions.

And when we're fully grown, we decide who we want to spend time with. Who is kind, respectful and treats children equally. And who isn't...

HomeAgainPlease My two get on very well. Elder very patient with younger. They are loving to one another. BUT I didn’t ever feel that my younger one would suffer because her sister was excluded. She has processed that they have different fathers. I don’t think she will have any reflection in years to come about why her family treated someone who wasn’t related to them differently to her.

I am only hoping that I will come to terms with it so well.

I'm sorry for getting drawn into arguments, OP. Some posts were a tough read - but that's AIBU. I think your decision to spell out the relationships is sensible. Moving forward, I would look to create your own family traditions - a different panto, ice-skating, going to see the Christmas lights etc - rather than being on the periphery of your husband's family. Let your husband facilitate visits for him and your youngest, and maybe look to be less available to them yourself - not avoid them but just be busier. Maybe find a shared 'thing' that you love to do with your eldest that's more age appropriate to her and that your youngest will want to join in 'when she's older'. In short, I would just change the direction of travel towards being a unit of four.

I don’t treat my children’s school friends the same as family members and really the ops child is not much different

Ridiculous

This is great advice and sounds like the approach that OP is going to take ❤️

This sounds like great advice to me. I’m also sorry for being drawn into the arguments OP. I guess it touched a nerve!

Good luck OP. ( There’s no way I’d pay for my daughter to go either)

Yes I completely identify with that. All very true. Children have long memories as my dear mum would say.

I have great sympathy for you OP.
I think your husbands family are petty, mean and unnecessarily unkind to your child by excluding her.

Not people I would want to be around.
I would let your husband be responsible for the relationship with his family going forward.

@ThatRubyMoose It looks like have made the right decision, I hope everything works out well for your family

Your daughters are both equally as important as each other to you because they are YOUR children. That doesn’t mean you get to demand that from other people.

You can’t just come along and insert a random non related child into someone’s life and demand they love them and have a relationship with them. That is up to them.

OP hasn’t demanded anything. As far as I have understood it she is just trying to work out how to handle the situation.

Of course there is absolutely no way that you should have offered to pay for your elder DD to go to the panto in the same way that the question of her inclusion in the outing should even have arisen in the first place! 😥
It's not anything to do with taking 'responsibility for' or there being 'expectations' going forward, or even whether DSC would/should/could be considered 'part of the family' or whatever other random excuse or theory that some posters have quite shamelessly and casually been offering as justification! 😱
It's SIMPLE...It's about the fact that a little girl, through no fault of her own, who really needs to feel that she belongs, who found herself and her DM in a new household, she has a new sister, a new DSD plus the extended 'family' that comes along with him...She's 9 year's old and is possibly just beginning to understand the machinations of life but she was expected to accept without question that there is a wonderful child centric Christmas outing coming up to which her sister is invited but she is not...WTAF?! 🙄
I honestly cannot get my head around the attitude and behaviour of both the DSD in allowing this situation to happen and that it simply wasn't a given that DSC should be included...
it's absolutely not acceptable to risk hurt or to dismiss a child's feelings in this way and shows a huge lack of compassion and kindness by adults who should know better but sadly are considering their own narrow minded, short sighted, mean spirited attitudes and feelings above all else. 😡

I have read all your posts op and I am 100% on your side. Well done for having your daughter’s back.

Agree with this. You do right OP.

In what way is she demanding they love her or even have a relationship with her? She’s expecting they behave kindly to a young child, the sibling of their Niece, by not excluding her.

Guess you're not really au fait with how the English language works?! 🙄
Below is a list of synonyms (words that mean the same or similar) of 'unkind' which can all be used to describe the behaviour and petty attitude of OP's DH's family!

cruel, hard-hearted
harsh, hateful
insensitive, heartless
nasty, spiteful
uncaring, inconsiderate
unfriendly cold hearted
mean, thoughtless
uncharitable, unfeeling
unsympathetic

DowntownCrabbie very clearly meant that there are a variety of views and you may think it is unkind but others do not. You suggesting that others cannot understand English is plain odd when you don't seem to understand others simple posts. Do you mean to come across as so rude?

To be clear, you thinking it's ANY of those things doesn't mean it is those things.

Are you quite ok?

What is it then, in your superior opinion, that entitles and allows supposedly mature adults to behave in such a way towards a child? A child living in circumstances that to most sensitive folks would obviously indicate that she would benefit from a little extra kindness, happiness and attention, the sort that they are perfectly capable of giving her without too much trouble or, in the scheme of things, cost, that to exclude her might potentially hurt, upset and confuse her and her little sister, who most certainly would not understand why her big sister is not going to be with her on the outing? 🙄
If your answer is because she is not related 'by blood', she is only there because of a marriage and that they should not be expected to have any 'responsibility' for her or god forbid, ever be even a little fond of her, and oh yes, let's not forget the little gem that was suggested by a 'lovely' poster, that she may not even be around very long, and that she is actually no different to 'school friends', how can you seriously justify any of those 'reasons' whilst bearing in mind the facts in my first paragraph? 😮

There is only one 'view' that matters and that is the one that concerns the callous and petty treatment of a little girl who was introduced into the family because of a family member's marriage and, not that it is important, is the blood relative of the DC of said family member! 🙄
I actually didn't say that English wasn't being 'understood' per se, just the correct grammatical use of certain words! 'Kindness' as a noun is not 'subjective' and I posted the synonyms to indicate that but I appreciate that may be difficult for some to comprehend?!
I have absolutely no trouble 'understanding' the meaning of 'others' posts, in fact I would be happy if in some cases I did not as the lack of altruism, sympathy, graciousness, goodwill and basic understanding is frightening and disheartening. 😥

Blended families work best when the blend isn't forced

Cariadm you should stop trying to lecture people about kindness when your posts are so rude and unkind.

I think this is the last post of this thread but I just wanted to reiterate that it is ironic that some posters who preach "kindness" have been so nasty to anyone who disagrees with them. There is no need to resort to personal insults and it does not reflect well on you if you do so.