Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

While it would be lovely if relationships didn’t break down and extended family treated step children the same as biological children, it’s just not realistic.

It is unfair to make your younger child miss out on a tradition with her own family because of the choices you made before she was even born. You might see it as unfair for your older child to miss out, but again, that is the result of your choices.

People can’t make blended/step families and expect everyone else to conform to their ideals, especially when the expectation is that it’s going to cost them money and effort.

YOur sil was incredibly mean. But the child shouldn't suffer and be denied a treat. After this year I would be buying no more presents or making any effort to see them. If your DH wants to he can. A very poor show.

I feel like there is often an odd dynamic where the father of the eldest child(ren) is a bit of a crap dad and the mum pursues a new blended family with a better man. The mum wants to forget about the ex and treat their new man as if he is the father of all the children.

Where the older child(ren) are treated differently by the new man's family, the mum is upset because it reminds them of their ex, and the mistake they made in having a child with someone who is such a crap dad, and disturbs the fantasy that they have constructed. This often seems to me to be the source of anger, more than a difference in treatment between the children.

I honestly do not know how mothers can be so cruel when they have children themselves.

I wouldn't be able to look at my DH if he treated my child like this. When he married you did he not think he was also committing to being a step father to your DC? Two families are blended - you are committing to each for life, through thick and thin.

How awful to leave a 9 YO out.

This is really crossing a line and I would go to war over it TBH.

Your and DH's decision is "these two girls [half sisters] are more of a family to each other than the cousins [youngest DD and SILs' DC] are to each other".

In this specific scenario, of the two girls living together full time, the eldest not having a relationship with her father (not to speak of, really), the ages of the girls, the time of year, a pantomime, cost involved - I think your SIL should be ashamed of herself. SHE is making a point that's exceptional and out of the ordinary, not you.

Generally speaking I think you can't force a family to accept a step-child as their own. But this specific scenario is out and out divisive on the part of the SIL. They are telling you very baldly what they think of your eldest DD, and it's out of step with what her own brother thinks.

Your MIL was saying that you and DH are separating your youngest DD from her wider family by your decision, and that this would be the thin edge of a wedge that will widen as time goes on. She's probably right. Whether you want that to happen is a completely separate discussion.

What if OP and DH suddenly split up? Is it okay then for the youngest to do separate things because the playing field is levelled?

Or then does the eldest get to continue going to things with her dad’s side but the youngest isn’t allowed because they didn’t include the eldest when OP and DH were still together?

What a mean spirited nasty bunch of people. Your poor daughter. It must have been guy wrenching watching her search for her gift like that. You are absolutely right OP. I'd have as little as possible to do with them actually.

'Once youngest one came back from Mil’s with a swim bag with her name on as BiL had been on holiday. When we were next there eldest ran to a little pile of these bags looking for hers. Well you can guess can’t you? '

You just need to manage her expectations and tell her what is for the youngest dc and what isn't. Your inlaws clearly don't view your eldest as one of theirs and that is obviously upsetting for you but it is what it is. She must have family on her df's side who she gets presents from? These thing tend to balance out.

Foe your own sanity just let it go. If the youngest goes out with sil take the eldest for a takeaway or some other treat. We have blended families with some of our relatives and stepkids don't get treated the same gift wise by inlaws and that is fine.

Once you live together the children should be treated equally. There are blended

units in my extended family and all the children are treated equally when it comes to presents and treats, to do otherwise is just plain mean.

People can make blended families, it’s kind caring people that make it happen.

i wouldn’t let my child go to this event, especially as two of the other kids are the same age as her. I think your MIL and SIL are super mean :-(

I do. My close friend was adopted by her step dad in circumstances similar to this, albeit she didn’t know her biological father. I find it immensely offensive that you think his family should have treated her like the poor relation as she was not his biological child. Ultimately the difference between him just being her step dad and her adopted dad is just a piece of paper and had no difference in the day to reality of her life.

We have a couple of step children within our extended family - one where my family member is the step father and one where my family member is the father and his wife is the step mother. Not a single person in the entire family nor in the step mother's entire family treats the children any different from the other child in the marriages. It's outrageous to me to think a grandparent, aunt or uncle would do this to a child.

I'm with you OP. I think this type of behaviour is cruel towards children. They may not be biologically related and your DC with your DH is of course, but they are sisters and live in the same house. I bet they look on each other as full-on sisters so it must be very hard for your eldest to deal with the favouritism and see her sister get gifts when she does not.
I think it is a slippery slope though as your MiL said but with her being the cause of the slippery slope!
Could DH speak with MiL and just be really transparent about why you declined the invitation and why you are upset? I can't believe any Mother, especially when this is pointed out, could agree that not including your eldest is the best course of action and fair.
Sorry, I'm not sure what else to suggest but I think you have every right to be upset.

I know this always divides opinion, but I can never get my head around attitudes like your in-laws. It's a child who's life they've been in since they were very little. An adopted child would surely be welcomed into the family, aside from a piece of paper I don't see what's different with step-children/half siblings etc. You made the effort to treat your sil's kids as your family, how hard is it to do the same? The simple solution would have been to ask if you and your daughters wanted to join them, paying for yourselves.
I know people disagree with this, but I really can't understand being so cold to a little kid who's been brought into your family.

I think you are right. If your older child had a thriving relationship with her Dad's side and had outings and fun with him then maybe this would work out ok. However if there is no / very little relationship with Dad's side for the big one means the little one having outings without her Dad and Dad's family sounds very hurtful. I think it is both or neither particularly as it sounds as if you and your DH have been together since your oldest was very little.

Isn't it funny that on step parent threads the step mother is always told she doesn't have to treat the child as her own AND often that her parents shouldn't have to either... Funny it's the opposite when on the other foot...

IDK, I was a step auntie, and I did everything with the steps. I included them entirely. When the relationship ended 14 years later, I was told that the kids weren't anything to do with me. I was also denied contact with my bio nephew on mums time. I actually did much more with the steps than I ever was allowed to do with bio nephew. Funny enough. I recently got a text from exsil saying what a wonderful aunty I was to all her children ( she must have been drinking).

I wouldn't take on anyone else's kids again. If my brother wants to get involved with someone with kids, that his business. That doesn't mean I'll be giving them my time, money, or energy. I have my nibblings, and I'll invest in them. Although, I can't imagine getting being cruel and buying everyone a bag and not getting a child a bag.

Do DHs family have a good relationship with your eldest DD?

Younger sibling who they have probably never met?
I doubt it.

I don’t see how it’s relevant as a comparison when the SIL presumably sees the older daughter every time she sees the younger daughter though.

Really? This is actually really good to know, as I do not like my BIL. I’m off to tell DSis that she doesn’t “get to inform people” that BIL is part of our family, simply through the choice of her marriage. Only DSis and DNiece will be invited to Christmas, because they are my real blood relatives and BIL is not. Thanks for that. 👍 And BIL’s mum and brother never invite us around either. I should expect them to, after the amount of times BIL has been round at mine. Bastards.

I think that whilst it's a shame for your older child, it's not fair to force a blended family dynamic on your wider relatives. It'll only create resettlement imo.

Would you apply the same principle to extended family if someone adopts a child? If not, why not?

Exactly not at all the same

When people bring up adopted children like a gotcha moment.

If op and her dh split he has zero like rights or responsibilities to the oldest child she can just disappear to never be seen again.

If ops dh has adopted a child he has rights and responsibilities to that child. The child will not just disappear because a relationship ends.

It's not the same thing.

the Eldest is being brought up with the OP's DH as her SD, effectively her Dad, there every day & the youngest has nothing to do with the eldests Father. He's a stranger that picks up the eldest 1 or 2 times a year.

@ThatRubyMoose

so for all these years you've been buying her &/or her children Christmas presents, she doesn't reciprocate (which you were fine with) but she takes SIL MIL & the children out for a treat, but has forget least 5 years just ignored your daughters.

unacceptable. If I were her I'd buy babies/toddlers a gift (I know she doesn't reciprocate as she doesn't 'do' gifts, but surely a baby/ toddler could be an exception!

your eldest should have been included in the 'treat' as soon as you & DD started living together. You and DD are DH's family, she's 1 child, they've excluded all these years (not several who would have each other & not feel the exclusion so much).

If she can afford to pay for two adults (at least) & several children, then adding one child isn't unaffordable.

I think it would be quite awkward to start including her now just because the youngest is old enough to be included, they didn't want her going before.

just keep doing whatever done all previous years with DD1or something else she would love to do.

But they're bitches not to have included her from the beginning, made her feel part of the family, I don't understand how people can be so bloody insentive & hurtful to a small child..

which slippery slope does MIL think this is going down exactly?? & what did the big wet wipe say to her.??
.
i don't think you can really say or do anything because even if they did start to include her you'd know it was under duress, not because they want to. and given you explained why DD2 can't go and all she said was 'that's a shame'. She could have said 'of course she should come if she'd like to!'

DH should have sorted this out with his family's long, long time ago. Not be saying it's ok to treat the little one now & exclude the youngest. Does he treat DD1 as his own??

These type of people are an enigma to me - thank god.