Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

She’s not excluded from the family. She’s excluded from an event for grandchildren.

Oh, I know. And I think that stinks. As I said, if you have the choice of making a child happy or unhappy, why pick the latter? I know the answer is 'because she's not a blood relation' or 'because the marriage might not work in which case they won't have a lifelong relationship'. I don't think they're good reasons. Others do.

It’s not about the child though is it, the thought wasn’t oh how can I upset a child.

It’s about hey, I want to treat my sisters and nieces to a night out at £200+ per person as their Christmas treat. So I’ll invite my sisters and nieces.

The child just doesn’t even come up in thought because she’s not the women’s sister or niece. It’s her brother’s wife’s child.

It’s not set out to upset the child, it’s a family tradition the women has started where she takes out her female relatives as a gift, not in-laws as the op isn’t invited and the op’s daughter has never been invited either prior and nor will be going forward.

“I know the answer is 'because she's not a blood relation' or 'because the marriage might not work in which case they won't have a lifelong relationship'. I don't think they're good reasons. Others do.”

Because she’s not their grandchild or niece. So yeah, because she’s not a specific relation.

And pretty much.

Well that's a question for the OP, isn't it? Nobody else's opinion really matters because none of the children that we would have in mind are relevant - only the OP's daughters.

Some posters are taking this so incredibly personally when it's a situation that only the OP is facing. Any of us might deal with this in a different way, or have different family members who might be inclusive; so many different computations. None of that is relevant because OP's situation is what she has stated it is, that's what she has to work with, with the relatives that she has, not the ones people think she should have.

This has been such a bad-tempered thread, I'm glad it's almost done.

Years ago I created an account to comment on another post but couldn’t remember the details but this was my first and last post as I have hated being responsible for other human beings fighting ( and I don’t mean just the in-laws).

I would treat any kids in the same house the same way even if one was a minor member of a European Royal House however, the thread focussed on responses saying how my in-laws should treat my elder child not on advice how I should react to them doing this. I can’t alter the fact they do this.

Both girls are my daughters and I can’t cope with their needs being in opposition. Many posters say I was näive about this but I didn’t give it a moment’s thought. My husband’s family are intelligent, generous and good humoured and this actually makes it worse that they exclude the elder. They don’t do it because they’re nasty but because they just don’t see her as related.

I can’t allow my younger child to miss out. She knows that DH is not my daughter’s father and as I said it was a little obsession a few months ago but no longer. There is a photo that was taken of all of the grandchildren ( when elder wasn’t present) I don’t know if this was intentional or a coincidence. When my in-laws moved house this photo appeared and my younger one asked where her sister was, I answered that she wasn’t visiting but MiL said quite factually that elder had another grandmother. They share my mother and then have one of their own, Younger completely accepted it.

I am going to distance myself for the sake of my eldest and subtly refer to in-laws as B’s family not by their names.

To all intents and purposes my daughters are equal in my house with my DH playing his part in this but I can’t make anyone else do this.

I know the majority think I should have offered to pay. There is no way on earth I would pay someone for the privilege of my daughter’s company.

What, have you never paid for a childminder? Or a nursery? Or your share of a school trip? You seem inflexible in your thinking.

I knew someone would pick me up on that as soon as I posted! I think people know what I meant.

I think this is a really difficult situation. Looking at it as an outsider, I can absolutely see where you’re coming from. Your girls live together as sisters (and because the elder DD’s father isn’t involved, there’s no sense in any other way of that difference), so you feel they should be treated the same. But - equally - I can see where your DH’s family is coming from as well, in as much as your older DD isn’t their grandchild or niece, so it’s perfectly reasonable that they don’t see her in that way and see her as “your DD”. And it doesn’t sound like they’re actively unkind; there is a present for her at Christmas etc. She just isn’t regarded as immediate family. I think all you can do is follow their lead and take the same tack. I agree with you in not offering to pay for the panto, by the way; from what you’ve said, it’s clearly not a money issue and that would look very crass. All you can do is pull back with your older DD and let your DH manage his family. They are, after all, “his” family. Let him arrange visits for him and the younger DD. If that means it doesn’t happen as often, so be it. If you’re doing something else with older DD that day - again, so be it. (And, ironically, that might be the most effective way to get them to understand the actual situation that exists with your family and reassess their own position.)

ThatRubyMoose, I think most posters - I know it's what I thought anyway - would imagine you would pay for a ticket for your eldest daughter and yourself and accompany them all. Not pay for your daughter's ticket to sit with your sister in law and the others. Nobody would do that, surely? Send their child off to sit with others who were invited?

You say that your in-laws are nice and generous people, just exacting of the familial relationships. I think your approach to not use the standard terms is a good one - your opinion is that they are decent so they can still be in your eldest daughter's life, just at a little more distance.

I really wish you well - and please don't apologise for posting and causing a ruck. Some posters live for that, it's the very air they breathe...

Best wishes to you.

does your husband want to adopt your older daughter?

that’s the relationship you want for your older child. You want your husband to be a father to her in the same way he is to your younger daughter and you want his parents to consider her a grand daughter.

you want them to not see the step - don’t want you daughter to have ‘other’ family - you want this family for your daughter (one the surface they are nicer, richer, more educated, more family orienteered that the older daughter’s family)

if her dad ain’t bothered would he give up parental rights?

Ahh OP, no need to be so harsh on yourself.

Don’t feel bad for having other people fighting on MN, people love a debate about things like this. It’s what AIBU is for.

You might have been naive about the potential for things like this that would affect your daughters, but you can cope with it now. You’ve already identified things you can do to help manage your older child’s expectations and be fair to your youngest, so you’re doing the right thing.

It’s good that you can see that your in laws aren’t nasty people and that they just have a different view to you. This will help you avoid unnecessary resentment and pointless upset.

I would never do something so humiliating as to say my elder daughter and I were going to the same show at our own expense; they would think that we were gatecrashing their family tradition, not that they would say anything although my MiL might have said something cryptic to my DH.

I don’t know why someone asked about backgrounds. In terms of education elder’s family is on the same level as younger’s , I don’t know about their finances but they’re more solidly middle class than younger’s family. Adoption of my elder daughter has never entered my head. Her father would refuse but it would have no impact on my in-laws’ attitude either.

She’ll never be entirely gone because she’s their Niece’s half sibling FFS.

In the case of adoption it certainly should!

I was thinking of you and your daughter going to the same show - not necessarily the same showing. I wouldn't want to do that either, sit with the family.

I think posters have had different ideas about this to 'make it right' when it probably wouldn't work that way.

So your younger daughter is perfectly accepting and comfortable with the obvious fact that her father's family are not her half sisters family...but you're going to distance her from them anyway, because of your own feelings.

Ok. Good luck with that.

But you’re saying you’d probably babysit and you’d include them in family events. So to the children it doesn’t look very different. If you refused to babysit and would only have the other sibling and refused to include them on outings you’d be a heartless cow who was excluding a small child.
As adults of course we recognise the difference but children are still going to feel that is their family and not understand why they’re being treated differently.

I am not distancing my younger daughter from them, just my elder one.

Hi OP, I’m glad you have found a resolution of sorts. I don’t think it’s fair how you have been criticised on this thread . I don’t think there’s anything wrong in principle with blended families. Also I certainly understand your principle of not wanting to pay. It’s undignified for your daughter. And anyway, If in-laws invited her just for that- how would they treat her?

I’m sorry that you have not got what you wanted from this thread and I know I’m one of the posters who has engaged a lot in the arguments. For my part this wasn’t in any way meant to be personal about you, step families/ parenting/ blending is just such an emotive topic that so many people have personal experience of, and I think on AIBU threads, - whilst posters initially post looking for advice about their personal situation- it does often turn into a wider debate about the issues involved. (People tend to be less argumentative on the relationships )board). .

I sincerely wish you and your daughters the best of luck ❤️

Tandora you have come over as a very warm and compassionate woman.

Genuinely I haven’t liked the experience of posting.

OP, I think the people who suggested you pay for a ticket for your eldest (or for you both) entirely missed the point. It isn’t about cost.

It’s their family outing and they don’t think of your eldest as a member of their family. Therefore whatever hoops people suggested you jump through would be pointless as nothing can alter that.

I’m glad you have found a way to deal with it - allowing your youngest to go, keeping your eldest separate from them more, and referring to them as DD2’s family not Auntie X and Uncle Y.

Have a happy 2025 and be glad it’s all done with for another 11 months at least.

Oh give over. You know what OP means. Stop being so pedantic.

They have never been called. Granny, Aunt etc. they have always been referred to by Christian names. Moving forward I will mention B’s Granny etc.

OP's child is different from your children's friends as she is the sister of their grandchild/niece/cousin. That relationship is permanent.

OP's in-laws could have chosen to be kind and include OP's older child. They didn't. That is going to change OP's opinion of them.

Sounds like a good idea to me. Meet them where they're at. If they don't view your precious first born as family, then they don't deserve her and you should just refer to them as your youngest's aunt/grandmother etc from now on.

For what it's worth, I grew up without grandparents (had step grandparents but they were distant) and I don't feel like I've missed out. The love in your house is what matters most, and both of your daughters are lucky to have you ❤️