Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

What would be the case if the husband adopted the eldest?

Adoption is completely different to step parenting. Not relevant to this discussion.

It’s not bollocks.

At no point did I say they had to treat the oldest DD as a relative or that the OP was right to stop the youngest from going unless the oldest went…only that it’s shitty to leave a child out when it will obviously make them upset…it’s a child.

So read the post correctly next time you jumped up shitty shit.

You made the right decision, OP.

If you had posted that your sister and parents wanted to just take your biological daughter to the panto but not your step-daughter, everyone here would be rushing to tell you what an awful step-mother you are.

It really does show there are different rules for step-mothers.

@ThatRubyMoose you cannot punish your dh's family for the fact your ex and his are wankers.

My parents have always treated dsc in the same way as they have dd. Even after I split with their dad. But other family members don't and that is OK.

You can't force them to have the same relationship as they do neither a biological relation.

What you can do is explain to your older dd that family dynamics are difficult. That there will be times when she gets to do stuff with her dad that little sister doesn't and tomes when little sister will get to do things that she doesn't. Doesn't mean she isn't loved, just that sometimes fair isn't the same.

This is only a problem if you make it one.

Honestly? We have something similar situation wise in the extended family, and I always included all children. We all did. The children may not all be blood relatives, but we love their mum, and that is the key for us.

Why? He is essentially the father to this child. Lots of step fathers adopt their partner’s children. I’m just pointing out that the difference here is a piece of paper. He is essentially the de facto parent to the eldest not just a random man in her life.

All children from the household should be treated equally, regardless of the identity of the sperm donor. I'm dumbfounded that anyone thinks otherwise.

OP, I suggest you stop the present-giving and other outreach. Clearly this woman doesn't give a shit about you. Stop being a doormat to her.

If your husband doesn't stick up for your daughter, and allows her to be treated differently from his own blood offspring, I'd take a good hard look at him, too. NO man of decent character would allow a vulnerable minor child to be excluded from a "family" outing.

Wow I think YABU. Blended families are complex to balance at times, but your 4 year old is this woman’s niece - why not let her enjoy the panto with them? You could treat your 9 year old to a special mummy-daughter day out on the same day. Hardly needs to be negative - she will know she doesn’t have the same dad. Why does it have to be a bad thing?

Good for you for advocating for your eldest child. Whilst I'm not part of a blended family, I have adopted cousins and never think of them as anything other than my cousins. Wouldn't dream of treating them differently from blood cousins.
Also have children and the number of non related friends who act like aunts/uncles/grandparents is wonderful.
Can not understand extended family excluding your daughter because she's a step rather than blood relative. She's already suffered by Dad not being around (for whatever reason). No need for her to be further excluded.
Stick to your guns!

I think it's awful, I could never leave a child out

What happens when your younger daughter starts asking why her sister isn't invited ?

So you have spent money on her kids who aren't biological relatives but she can't spend money on yours?

The only thing SIL is achieving here, is to make it very clear to a young child that they are unwanted.

I do not understand why she would not be gracious enough to treat them the same instead of making it blatantly obvious that she does not accept your relationship, OP

“You don't get to inform people that this unrelated child is now your grandkid, nice, sister etc and demand they're equal in all things. That makes you a shitty human.
And telling a child they can't see their own relatives unless the relatives also include another child is completely unfair.
Two people wanting to blend a family don't get to tell everyone else in their lives what to do and how to feel. It's so controlling.”

@DowntonCrabbie that is very well said

There is absolutely no parallel to my eldest going out with her dad. He and his family wouldn’t be able to pick my youngest out in a crowd.

So you don't expect your ex's family to even be able to recognise your youngest, but expect DH's family to treat your oldest exactly the same as the youngest, even though they are not related to the oldest?

I can understand your desire for the children to be treated the same, but you are being unrealistic and unreasonable in your expectations of others IMO.

This

It's inexcusable. Children are children and your eldest should be treated the same as the rest of the family. If none of them are including her then your husband needs to get them told. It's everyone or noone in my book when it comes to these things. Your daughter deserves better.

If you don't understand the difference between adoption and step-parenting then you have no place raising it on a thread.
There no such thing as essentially a parent FFS.
In legal terms a step-parent is simply married to the child's parent. End of.

And a step parent can only adopt if the other parent is dead or agrees. So, not exactly common at all.

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

You have a DH problem. I'd have expected mine (and I've been in this situation) to say, 'We have TWO children, in our family, Mum. Sarah who is 9, and Sally who is 4. If you are intending to try to exclude ONE of the children I am raising you'll find yourself on a slippery slope. They both need to be treated the same.

My DH - and to be fair, his DM - treated all ours the same. They accepted that he'd taken on my children as his own and didn't treat them differently from the child we subsequently had together.

Excluding one child is unacceptable full stop.

however I’d have said can elder child come too. I’m happy to pay or come too. Rather than straight out no

Your PIL were/are the loveliest people. Inspirational.

In my family your eldest would have been invited.

I wouldn't let someone create a division between my two children either. Your husband is raising your eldest, that should be enough.

Whilst blood wise they’re not related, presumably your 9 year old has been in their lives since she was little.

i can’t imagine any nice, decent, people would think it’s ok to exclude a little girl who’s a step daughter. It shows their true colours.

YANBU. Does your husband see your 9 year old as his step daughter?

They don't have any legal right to a relationship with their own grandchildren either. If both parents agree they don't want them to see the children they haven't a cat in hell's chance of being awarded contact in court.

It's true that you can't force people to treat a child like a member of the family if they don't want to. But you can choose to distance yourself and your children from those people in order to minimise harm and prevent them from driving fissures through the family unit you have built. That's what I would be doing. If they choose to be pathetically tribal and exclude a family member for not being "blood", then we don't share values and they aren't the sort of influence I consider healthy for any of the children.

Yes this is also true. Actually it’s weirder even, because the rest of DH’s family are now expected to accept the 9 year old as a full niece / granddaughter, else not get to see the 4 year old… whilst the relatives of her actual dad are let off the hook.

and what is the difference between the two families?? Why aren’t they expected to accept the 4 year old as their own?! Because the 9 year old’s actual dad rarely sees her? It doesn’t make sense. Your DH is a good man and that means his family are held to a higher standard???

I think the reality is that wider family are unlikely ever to see your older DD as family. I understand this, although can understand why it’s hurtful.

I would probably explain to your DD that she has a whole set of relatives who are just hers, admittedly they sound a bit useless at the moment but that’s not your SIL’s fault. Trying to pretend that she’s SIL’s niece won’t do her any favours. It’s just going to end up causing friction.

I would let your younger DD go and then you take your older DD out for a different treat- if necessary using some of the money you would have spent on presents for SIL’s kids.