Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

But the older child's dad is probably a stranger to the 4 year old. OP's in-laws aren't strangers to the 9 year old.
I simply cannot understand any family thinking it's Ok. The 9 year old isn't related by blood to the in-laws but she is the 4 year old's sibling.

Deleted as completely misread the quoted post, apologies.

But what if there were 4 older kids? Or SIL could only afford to take the youngest? Or she couldn’t cope alone with all the kids?

Not everything can be so black and white all kids do everything.

I’m god mother to my friend’s oldest son. She married after he was born and had two more kids who now get to live with their mum and dad. My god son doesn’t get that privilege but I take him to special places and not the others because we have a special relationship that happened because I was there when he was little and being raised by my friend - a single mum at the time.

Is that wrong?

Can you ask outright if your daughter can go too and pay for it? Why are they leaving her out??

The more I think about it, the odder it is really - a ritual only for the women in your husband's family and children only if they're blood relatives. So your DH is excluded although his sisters go. You're excluded although all the other women go. Your eldest is excluded. Only your youngest, 'the little female blood relative' is invited. Weird.

I'd have said
"That's great. The kids will love it. I'll pay for DD9 and the two girls can go together. I'm guessing £50 covers it? What are your bank details?"

90% of people would be annoyed but go with it, you'd look like one miserable bitch to exclude a 9 yo child when its costing you nothing.

Would you really?

But there aren't four older kids - there is one young child, who has had a relationship with this family since she was a four-year-old and presumably has a much more significant relationship with her stepfather than her biological dad, so this is an utterly pointless what if.

I wouldn't think much of SIL for excluding a 9 year old. My bil married a woman with 2 older children and one of the things I admire most about MIL is that she has treated them exactly the same as the child they had together - babysitting, presents, family occasions etc.

Still, I'd probably let the younger one go and like a pp suggested do a really nice activity with your 9 year old, just the 2 of you.

Forcing your child on people, way to go.

So you do believe it is the role of the step family to compensate for a shit birth family?

I'll say again, I get why it upsets the OP but the frustration is misplaced. The issue is with the absent father and his extended family.

Would it be a nice thing for the sil to do? Of course! But should it be an expectation that she do it? No, I don't think so. And I don't think OP should have vetoed her younger dd from going.

YABU

Your SIL doesn’t have to have a relationship with your daughter who is no relation to her.

When your eldest sees her father or does things with his side of the family do you expect your youngest to be invited? I bet you don’t and you have double standards if you expect it to work the other way round in this situation.

Stop denying your youngest a relationship with her family.

There’s no way on earth I am going to beg for an invitation for my beautiful child let alone offer to pay.

The other sister-in-law is sister to the other one- they are both my sisters-in-law.

There is absolutely no parallel to my eldest going out with her dad. He and his family wouldn’t be able to pick my youngest out in a crowd.

My eldest actually lives with their son/ brother.

My DH was initially up for it when his sister asked him but came on board with me when I became upset.

He was shaken by what his mother said though. He wants to wait until next year and see if either child says anything.

Neither of them know anything about this.

DH also has a brother with a long term partner but no kids. Once youngest one came back from Mil’s with a swim bag with her name on as BiL had been on holiday. When we were next there eldest ran to a little pile of these bags looking for hers. Well you can guess can’t you? These bags must have been a hand full of euros at most.

DH had a brief marriage but no kids.

Sil will never have a relationship with the child if she takes that attitude though

Blended families are hard but when they are living as one family they should be treated as one family

YOU have decided to be in a blended family.

You cannot force that on to everyone else.

It is your SIL decision as to if she wants a relationship with a child who isn’t genetically related to her.

edited to add: I thought OP had written this reply.

Your oldest had never been invited before though so I’m not sure why you expected different they have clearly always kept her on the edges.

Add to the fact your dh has already had a failed marriage I can understand even more why they wouldn’t get attached to a step child either.

I think it would have been more polite of your SIL to invite both children, and I also would not have sent the younger one only.

@ThatRubyMoose
It hurts when your dc hurt! I get that. But you just have to accept that your in laws have a different relationship with your younger dd.
It doesn't make them bad people. Just different from the way it would be in an ideal world for you.
I still think your anger is misplaced. You ex is the one who has let your elder dd down.

So you would think it was ok for the SIL to ignore the children from her huband’s siblings as she was not genetically related to them?

I know I treat my biological nephews and nieces exactly the same as my non-biological ones as I am an equal aunt to both sets. The children don’t differentiate. I never did as a child.
i see this situation as exactly the same.

If your eldest got a present from her fathers family, would you reject it as its not fair to your youngest?

I would have paid for myself and my other child to attend in your shoes if I could afford to go. It would have been nice for SIL to invite your DD but I can see where she is coming from as well. I would have offered to pay for your other DD if I were your SIL but I don't think you should have expected it. It just would have been nice.

I still don't get what you don't just take it as an opportunity to have some 1-1 time with your eldest. She's 9 there's hundreds of things you could do with her that would be a nice treat without her 4 year old sibling being there.

I know I treat my biological nephews and nieces exactly the same as my non-biological ones as I am an equal aunt to both sets. The children don’t differentiate. I never did as a child.
i see this situation as exactly the same.

A choice you have made @Drfosters doesn't make it a reasonable expectation for every other step family out there. Every situation is different and blended families are complicated.

Did you not say would you mind if eldest goes?