To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

What was the silly tiny argument/misunderstanding about?

Sometimes friendships just fade and people go their separate ways but it sounds like this argument changed something for you and not her.

I feel so sorry for your poor friend.

Yes what was it about?

I do too!! No idea why I've suddenly "gone off" the friendship after years

You feel as you do, that is fine. Your friend however, sounds like she has done nothing wrong, she is just in a different place to you right now. It may all seem like triviality on your part. If she is lovely, and caring, as you say, I personally would want to hold on to a relationship like that. A child cannot have too many caring people in its life.

It doesn't sound like it was a 'tiny silly argument' given that it's changed the way you feel about spending time with her. What was it about?

@Cosmosforbreakfast @pikkumyy77
I don't want this to be too outing so will keep it vague. I cancelled on meeting because my child had the flu, I'd been up all night / wanted to be with my child rather than leave them, she made a joke about parents cancelling that I took as a dig (because I had zero sleep and it was mildly insensitive), she got annoyed that I took offence.

It sounds like you are a but jealous of her life if I am honest.

She doesn't want kids but makes a fuss of your child, asks after her etc, to me that is a great friend!

Why do you think things feel off?

@PullTheBricksDown the argument itself didn't change anything. It was the break from the "routine" of always being in touch, always texting, always calling. I kind of fell out of that routine and am struggling to get back into it.

Forget the child—OP can’t have too many loving and caring people in her life! Don’t throw the friend away—just look at the texts as little bids for attention (normal) and realize that right now maybe they seem trivial to you or maybe they throw into relief the repetitive and somewhat dull nature of reporting on life with a toddler.

you aren’t both at the same stage and f life so updates just look radically different and almost like they are sent and received in different languages. Hopefully this is just a phase. Hang onto your friend. You will perhaps rediscover delight in her company in a few years.

ETA: she made a thoughtless joke that revealed, or seemed to reveal, that she took your job as mother rather lightly. Firgive her. She doesn’t know what you know.

I am not at all jealous of her life and she is not jealous of mine, I am pretty sure of it.

I can't think of anything worse (for me!) than to be childless, it's everything I've ever wanted. I didn't enjoy working and am so glad to be a SAHM. I enjoy travelling with my child much more than before.

Ok, you cancelled at very short notice, she made a silly joke and you decided it was a dig despite how good she is to you and your child. You're holding a grudge over nothing. Your friends seems like a genuinely lovely person who has kept up efforts to remain in contact with you. You might want to get over yourself a little bit.

Maybe the break from it for a week made you realise how much time you waste, admiring her nail polish or advising her if the onion she’s about to chop looks off.

I personally think having very different lives shouldn't be a problem. In my mind, friendship is about having a connection, a shared history and the affection/love you feel for each other.
I'm married with children and still best friends with my oldest school friend, who's single and lives at home with her mum. Why would that affect our bond?
I think the argument has given you the "ick" for some reason (I have that word by the way!). What was it about? You need to examine the argument and how it made you feel. Did it reveal something about her or her views that you dislike?

I hope so.
It seems a waste to throw away a friendship because I'm just "not feeling it" with a girl who I've been so so close to for years.

Maybe I just need to put in that "effort" for now, even though previously all these conversations were fun and not something I had to remind myself to respond to.

Just like romantic relationships, you can fall out of "love" with your friends, or get the ick, or have periods of up and down. It's completely normal.
I'd try and have a few weeks of low contact or no contact if possible and the reassess how you feel.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever.

That too partly. I'd rather be at the playground or museum with my baby than making my child wait whilst I look at the contents of her fridge to help her decide what to eat.

But I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I think as you get older and it gets harder to make new friends you would regret it if you ended this friendship.

She sounds lovely actually. Maybe just respond a bit less if she is messaging all day?

My advice would be to not do anything too hasty in terms of walking away from the friendship. This could be a phase in the way you feel and the kind of closeness you describe and your shared history is really hard to build with someone. It might be hard to imagine now but when your kids don't need you so much in the future you could be in a position where you regret letting the friendship go.

I'd be annoyed at someone's constant chatter about inane things like nail varnish and onions. She does sound nice and it would be foolish to throw away a friendship even if you are temporarily put off by her.

Parenting can be very lonely so give it time.

Your friend is still showing the behaviours of her younger self, and you have moved on. She has more free time than you and I think has very little idea of how hard work it is being a mum, as much as you love it.
You don’t have to let go of her as a friend, she will become mature with time, but you sound like you don’t have a lot in common right now.
Both of you need friends with similar interests/outlooks.
But imagine if the situation were reversed and how hurt you might feel?
You have known each other a long time I think it’s worth a conversation - that you care for her, have fun when you are with her, and appreciate her kindness, but your daily routine means you just can’t keep up with constant messaging.
If she gets the hump, that’s in her, but I’d give it a go.

Can I be honest? I felt the same as you at some point with my best friend last year. We never had an argument, but I just felt we were so totally different. Her life was the same as it was 10 years ago out of choice, mine was marriage, babies, moving town etc. I felt like the convocation became repetitive and she couldn’t relate to my life, I couldn’t relate to hers.

I remember feeling like something was off. Why didn’t I enjoy your chats and meet ups as much as I did before? Then I realised we were just 2 different people. And that’s OK! You might find messaging less makes you like her more. It must be boring phone calls or chatting every day? What’s there to talk about when you meet!

I started putting a bit of effort back into our friendship, being the first to make convo of DH can have DS for the evening so I could meet up just the two of us and go for meal with wine.

Although we do not see each other as much or message as much, when we do meet I now enjoy our times together.

I have friends that message me all day about what they have for lunch etc. It is too much. It takes a lot of my time and attention and I think it's natural you feel this way. However, I don't go off them as people. Can you say you're struggling to keep up with the messages but still remain good friends?

Just respond a bit less and be a bit less available. The nail varnish/onion chat can fall by the wayside but keep the contact around that. See how you feel. Your priorities have changed and hers haven’t so there is bound to be a mismatch of energy and expectations. Give yourself and the friendship some space and don’t judge yourself, or her, for the shift.

The argument is relevant because it was entirely to do with how different your lives are now. You felt unseen (your exhaustion brushed away by a derogatory joke about parents - this must have made you feel like you couldn’t be open about the stresses of parenthood) whereas she probably felt deprioritised and no longer as important to you. It’s the crux of the matter.

Just ease off a bit and let things settle. See how it feels in a while.

This, but 10x more gently😅

It's only been a week. You surely love and care about her, just carry on as you are imo and you will soon forget the tiff. Don't throw this friendship away, OP, for your own sake!