To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

For someone who doesn’t have any interest in children/marriage/being a homebody to still make so much effort with you and your child she must really like you. Lots of friendships dissipate entirely at this age due to the fact that it’s very 50/50 people living the white picket fence life with babies vs partying in Ibiza and spending their free time socialising (both totally acceptable ways to live life and equally fulfilling in different ways).

There’s always lots of posts I see online of women feeling abandoned when they become a mother before their friend(s) so if there’s not been a major issue it sounds like you might be shooting yourself in the foot by ditching this one when she clearly does want to spend time with you.

Don’t make any rash decisions, it’s pretty normal for people to go through phases of slightly getting on your nerves for whatever reason and then a few weeks later you see them again and really enjoy having them around.

But why does reading her messages mean you have to pick and choose to do stuff with your child instead? Of course you will do stuff with your child and go to the park over reading a message... that doesn't mean when you have 2 mins or 5 mins to spare you can't read the message and reply. Your friend isn't asking you to pick her message over her child and it sounds like she adores your LO...

I think your lives are at different stage and at the moment you’re in a bit of a young mum bubble with your toddler, so maybe the chat feels a bit insignificant or you feel it’s bursting the bubble a bit.

BUT

One day your DC will be a teenager who thinks you’re the most annoying person they’ve ever met. You might also start feeling a bit over being mum all the time and want to start spending more time on other things. Your kids will leave home. You might have a breakdown in your marriage or health issues. That’s when you need friends, good ones, and lots of them.

So don’t cut her off or faze her out- for now at least- as you’ll change over time and so will she.

You need to examine the argument and how it made you feel. Did it reveal something about her or her views that you dislike?

This is good advice. I've had the way I felt about a friend changed by one comment, and it would sound both petty and insane if I repeated the comment, but for myself it was useful to pinpoint why it got to me so much. She is not a bad person but I understand why I now feel we are just going through the motions and it has the potential to turn ugly if I say the wrong thing or question her judgement in any way.

I would find that level of friendship suffocating. It sounds really needy, constantly contacting you like that but it seems that you both enjoyed this and now you no longer do. You have a child, your mind is probably exploding with all the responsibilities you have not to mention lack of sleep and lack of personal time. In the midst of all this she wants to tell you about her nail varnish. Of course it feels trivial to you. I would feel the same.

Your lives are just really different right now and you don't have the time or energy to invest so much into your friendship. I think this is OK but also not her fault. Maybe try to reduce the constant correspondence and arrange less frequent but more quality time. If you hadn't heard from her in a while you would probably have been delighted with her visit. Don't let her go, she sounds like a good friend but she needs to understand you are not as available as you were. Talk to her, explain you may not be able to keep up with daily contact. If you still feel that disconnect after a few months maybe there is something else but I reckon it's just too much for you right now.

I think most friends where one has a child and the other doesn't go through some version of this change of dynamic.

More than slightly, the OP’s posts are dripping with it.

“I can't think of anything worse (for me!) than to be childless, it's everything I've ever wanted.”

The (for me!) is fooling no one. It all sounds so judgy and like you can’t possibly find her life interesting as shes not doing something as ImPoRtAnT as being a mother. Her interests and her friendship were good enough for you previously. She is going out of her way to continue to be your friend and take an interest in your child, which not many would do.

I don't think it sounds like a huge deal.
You'd been doing something one way for years.
Something happened and you had the opportunity to try out a different way and you discovered you really like the new way.

You can still be friends but maybe talk to her about how often you are able to chat/get together.

OP I think I would definitely just speak to her about how you haven't got the bandwidth to be on the phone all day anymore. I wouldn't throw away the friendship but I would take steps to stop being in constant contact with each other.

Do you think it's just the constant chatter? I don't think I could cope with that. Maybe you'll feel better about the friendship in smaller doses.

Agree with this

Hi OP I completely understand where you are coming from here, when you are a mum to young children the things that amused you before are not as interesting to you. Also you can't have long chats on the phone / spend lots of time texting when your child is waiting for their lunch / a cuddle / attention or whatever. I would dial down the friendship and not reply every time, especially to texts about her lunch and onions! If the friendship peters out then that is on her. Just say you don't have as much time to text at the moment but you will check your messages when you can! Light and breezy! But I get where you are coming from, friendships come and go and sometimes work for periods of time and then not others. It is normal for things to dial down when you are in different seasons. It does seem a bit odd to be texting that much though... even with a close friend... but maybe that is just me!

Your friend sounds lovely.

I think you would be mad to throw this friendship away simply because you can't imagine how awful it must be to be childless. When your child is less all consuming you will still need friends - if you carry on like this, all you will have are superficial mum friends and all you have in common are your kids. What happens when the kids are no longer so time consuming?

However if your friend wants a friendship where it's all more reciprocated, let her move on.

You don't have to be living the same life, to have a friendship with someone? I keep in touch with friends who are purposefully without children, and always find it interesting to know what they've been up to, plus I care about them as people, so am interested in how they are.

Also remember, in the course of a lifetime, the baby years are very short. Ten years max for most people. You may find you have more common interests / more time & energy gor the friendship, once these years are behind you. I wouldn't jack a whole friendship like this in over a flippant comment, and a cba attitude where you're tired - longstanding friendships like this are rare and precious.

Maybe she thinks she is helping you 'stay connected' now that you are a 'full time SAHM'.
I send my Mum similarly mundane messages constantly as i know she is at home (as a carer for my terminally ill father) so i imagine she must be bored at home. Your friend sounds like a good friend that maybe thinks she is helping.

Yeah it sounds like you're tired and busy with your real life serious responsibilities and basically have another child to look after.

Contacting you constantly about trivial things while your trying to deal with a baby isn't endearing its annoying. Why are you expected to pick her dinner for her or admire her nail polish... its like having a 6 year old going 'mummy, mummy, watch me' while your legitimately busy.

If it was your husband demanding constant attention for silly little things like that and making digs disguised as 'jokes' about you being tired when you been up all night with a sick baby people would say hes a man baby. Its not magically different for friends, siblings or anyone else either.

Entertaining her co-dependent needs (because she hasn't grown up yet and has too much time to kill) is not your responsibility and if its too much you are allowed to put yourself first.

So in other words it’s one single tiny disagreement strike and she’s out?!? Wow

I don't think you're being unreasonable for not wanting constant updates about everything she does. She sounds a bit full on and a bit needy. Keep being friends but just take a step back and don't respond to every single message from her. She sounds a bit insecure at this time but it's maybe just a time in her life. I would keep the friendship open.

You’re in different places in your lives, but that’s not a bad thing. Don’t let a good friendship die - you will need her when your kid is older and your SAHM life becomes redundant.

Sorry if i am being dense here but if the OP stops responding to messages and the friendship peters out then why would that be on the OPs friend?

Could you try keeping the friendship (for now) but being focused in your interactions with her? Instead of letting them expand and take up unlimited amounts of time - she texts and calls all day, she comes to your house and you're not sure when she'll leave - make conscious, time-limited slots to focus on her/the friendship.

Perhaps invite her along on outing with you and your child - then there's a focused activity and a logical end point. Speak on the phone with her once a day (or less) to catch up on each other's news, and really focus for, say, ten minutes - then firmly say goodbye until tomorrow/next time. Possibly, try to move from texts and chats to emails - you could edge into that by maybe responding to her desire for child pics by periodically sending some with a little email summary of what you've been doing.

This would be an adjustment for her and personally I would tell her I intend to make a change so there's no unintended slight (and so she doesn't just up the onslaught of calls, etc. if she feels you're not responding. New Year could be a good time to say you've been conscious of wanting to tighten up your routine and focus on more productive things/get a handle on how you're spending your time. Obviously don't say that your relationship with her is the main time waster, but ending the incessant chat session, the barrages of texts, and the drop-ins could be natural consequence of your new consciously efficient "lifestyle". If you're able to do this, I think you'll see quickly whether you're truly enjoying your "quality" time with her or not.

(By the way, the situation now seems overwhelming to me, and I don't even have small children - that level of constant contact would really unsettle me.)

I can't think of anything worse (for me!) than to be childless

Ugh. Please let her loose so she can find better friends.

You don't have time for this intense friendship, your focus is on your child as it should be. Limit the chats to once a day or less and live your life. You may need to tell her you are just too busy to chat all the time, or just say busy now, going to the park, getting lunch, playing with DC, we'll talk later (tomorrow) each time it's inconvenient.

The op did say in brackets that would be the worse thing for her to be childless, so just her opinion.

Looking at it from your friend’s pov - I suspect the week’s break scared her a little, and now there’s a tiny element of desperateness in her communications, which you’re finding grating and irksome.

If, in the grand scheme of things, you feel the friendship is still valuable to you, I would do as a pp suggests and just be a bit less available. Maybe give a general reply to all her texts in the evening, two or three time a week. Or suggest meeting up three weeks hence, or whatever.

It’s awfully easy to end a friendship. Not so easy to turn the clock back if after a few months you find yourself regretting it …