To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

I'm like your friend. I didn't have children, though I did marry. A few of my friends once they had DC drifted away, though I did my best to be interested in their children and supportive. I chalked it up to them being really busy, and I was well aware they were going through something I would never experience. Some of my friends came back or were more available when their kids were a bit older, others did treat me like I wasn't really an adult or really even a woman, and well, I really didn't want to be a lesser being in their eyes. I was hurt at the time, but that is their choice, and lesson learnt.

OP, I might give your friend a bit of a chance. That argument you had was trivial, and not something really to end a friendship over.

Really you've outgrown her haven't you? Messaging all day about inane nonsense is fine when your a 20 something nothing more urgent going on.

But your life has moved on, hers hasn't, nothing wrong with that, it just you aren't the person you used to be.

Well you are a lot busier now. I bet it's a relief. However lovely your friend is, constant texting is needy and exhausting. I'd HATE it. And although she's affectionate with your child, she doesn't get it, because no one possibly can until they have children, that you are effectively on duty 24/7 in the early days. Even when replying to her texts or chatting, you are also monitoring your child. And if they wake 6 times every night for 6 months, you just have to be there for them and do without sleep, night after night after night.

So, something has shifted for you because your lives are so different right now. It's natural for the friendship to fade a bit.

This would be way too much chatter for me, and I don't have kids! But doesn't mean the friendship needs to end. Say that you're worried you're addicted to your phone, so you're gonna be using it less, but still set up and keep to regular meetups and phone calls.

What a load of old cobblers. Immature people can continue to be immature after giving birth and mature people can continue to be mature without having kids.

Mmmm. Outgrown implies something that I don't think is quite true. Different pathways sure, but you could just as well argue her friend has outgrown the OP in terms of her career or travel experiences.

Thank you.

If she can't decide if an onion is 'off' at her age then there's no hope is there? If you feel that the friendship has run its course - and she does sounds rather juvenile TBH - then just don't respond.

It sounds like the break you had from the daily contact made you realise you didn’t really enjoy that much contact. Which is understandable. I’d be annoyed to receive that amount of messages about those sort of things.

how is that anything like OPs friend, who messages her asking for pics of OPs dd, buys OP's daughter presents when she visits, and clearly interacts well with OP's dd given the dd is described as "loves seeing her" and "having the best time when she visits"???

That is literally the opposite of someone who won't even enter their friend's house when the kids are there!

Not wanting kids yourself doesn't automatically equal hating all children....

Yep, this nails it. The messaging is a red herring that people are getting distracted by.

She cancelled at the last minute, friend made a joke, she got stroppy and offended and it sounds like she wanted the friend to trip over herself apologizing. Instead the friend stood up for herself and wouldn’t grovel over an innocuous comment. Now she wants nothing to do with her because she didn’t like that the friend pushed back.

I think if you've only been feeling this way a few weeks then it would be very rash to change the friendship. I would give it months...and months, for an old friendship like this.

A word of warning - I felt things weren't right between me and my best friend and I stopped contacting her as much, things got weird and awkward, and eventually we just weren't proper friends for what has now been 4 years. For most of that I have missed her desperately and while we're 'rekindling' things now, it has been incredibly painful to lose such a deep and long-standing friendship, and I don't think things will ever be quite the same between us. I regret the whole thing in a big way. It's also made me aware of how much harder it is to make strong friendships the older you get.

All I'm saying is, give it much more of a chance than this. You could end up with a lot of regret.

OP's friend is kind to both OP and her child, and has treated the OP the same as she always has, and yet you think the friend is the one who needs to grow up?

Yes I'm the same. I find it fascinating that people do this! So needy and childish. Then people say OP is patronising for finding this frivolous, I'd think a lot less of someone if they didn't find it frivolous. It sounds like OP has some common sense at least.

Yep this

Could you do a re-set? Instead of endless phone conversations about things you see as trivial and boring, could you and your LO meet her at the museum? Your original post reminded me of all the non-parents I've ever heard (me included no doubt) who complain that their friends with babies and small children have mutated into beings who can't talk about anything but nappies and when to introduce solids. You, to your credit, are trying to maintain a toehold in a world of things other than the parents' equivalent of nail polish and the viability of an onion and you are taking your little one with you. Would your friend like to join you there, with a visit to the cafe afterwards? Perhaps all those phone calls/messages about things you see as tedious are her way of trying to maintain a connection. If there's a better way for her to go about it, can you tell her? It seems a pity to let her go, because she sounds like a gem.

Total storm in a teacup.

IMO right now you’re a bit tired and exhausted from being a mum.

Don’t throw away a long term friendship over this.

I think the op doesn't want the same level of interaction as before the disagreement so needs to dial it down a bit. That way preserving the friendship but you are right, the other friend might not be happy with this.

Op - does the friendship feel one sided? Eg is it always messages about your friend's onion/ lunch / nail Polish? If so maybe you just find the interactions boring now? And don't want to be your friend's audience anymore? I've been the audience in many friendships over the years and have had to stand back from those friendships where I've tried to work on balance and that hasn't happened.

You’re totally ignoring that until recently OP was totally fine about this level of contact, enjoyed it even. Who cares if she wants to talk about nail polish? She’s not your friend.
The real issue is how OP navigates her changing attitude towards her old, formerly dear friend.

That amount of daily contact from even my own partner or children let alone an outsider would drive me mad.
She sounds very needy and lonely.

There must be a way to save something from this friendship, ideally to rein it in to normal levels, but I can't think of any way you can get out of it without hurting her.

You know what, children grow up pretty quickly and then you will be alone.

If you stay in your bubble I suspect your friend will get pretty bored of you soon anyway, with you just staying at home and only want to talk about you child because that is the only thing in your life. Be careful what you wish for.

I never get my nails done but I love it if someone sends me a picture of their nails or another selfie or a pic of baby. It's about the fact someone wants to show you something and about taking an interest.

Remember OP says they both spoke non-stop so it's not like OP they don't have things to talk about.

Subconsciously you envy her lifestyle. That doesn't mean you aren't happy with your lovely family but a part of you is annoyed that you can no longer be carefree as you are responsible for a child.

Like anything, once the rot sets in it's hard to recover.

Small-minded? It’s my experience, what can I say? Through the child/rearing years I was so overwhelmed by the responsibility, coupled with full-time work, that I had zero headspace for nail polish and other trivia. The experience changed me.

DC are now early 30s so I can vouch for the fact that my impatience with trivia has not changed at all. Never for one moment have I felt I’m not a person in my own right though, what a strange notion! And I have a full and happy life thanks.

My friends who have children ask for advice on all sorts of frivolous silly things. We are more than mothers…