To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

The way I see it, you feel that the trivial messages are taking time away from your child and she things that you no longer have the time or energy to care about?

That's not a criticism, not fully anyway. Priorities change and when you are in the trenches of young things like nail varnish seem silly. In the same way, the day to day mum said probably seems boring to her because of your different life stages. It's fair to feel that you don't have much in common, just make sure it doesn't stay into you thinking your are better/her life is shallow etc. Different is fine, a judgement on life choices is not.

I'd personally stick it out because you may align again in the future and she's a good friend. That doesn't mean you need to interrupt your day to look at her fridge, but keep up the link.

Also, something I do with friends who text frequently (well, I do it with everyone regardless of their texting habits) is to ignore all texts until the end of the day and sit down and reply to them all in one go, but making sure my reply is very thoughtful and engaging.

I have many friends who are seemingly always texting me updates, but they know not to expect replies from me more than once a day, or once every few days even!

Ok I'd say the misunderstanding isn't significant but the ongoing connection with the person who treated you badly may be. What's the deal there?

Overall I'd say don't hastily push her away. She sounds a valuable friend and a good egg (plus or minus the mutual person) just at a different life stage plus this is a busy time of year.

Could you buy yourself some space for a few days 'love the eyeshadow, Tilly, gorgeous as usual!! I honestly don't know my arse from my elbow this week! Catch up on Sunday?'

she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it)

I'm more interested in this to be honest, I wonder if the comment about you cancelling followed by the break in contact was the final straw for you.

@Vinni8 as I've already said, I'm completely over the argument. It wasn't anything major.

I'm saying I feel different after that "week off". Like I enjoyed not getting the constant updates on what her breakfast is or questions on my favourite gym leggings

People go through different life stages at different times and maybe have more or less in common for a time, but things always change and shift again. She sounds like a life long friend and when your kids are older things will change again for you. If she's genuinely done nothing wrong then this is likely just a phase and i think you would regret cutting her out! It's hard to see when everything is going great but personally ive realised that its at difficult times when I feel so grateful to have best friends who are there no matter what even if if your day to days look different. X

Don’t be hasty, kids grow up super fast. You won’t be in this time of life forever.

Then instead of cutting her off, set boundaries like an adult and reply to her less. Say your new years 2025 goal is to be on your phone less so you will have to wait for replies in the new year

She sounds lovely and as good friends are hard to find I'd really make time for her.

I had a friend living a similar life to your friend and she dropped me like a hot potato once I'd had a baby (she also dropped all our mutual friends when they had babies). I'm really sad about it and would love it if she was like your friend!

I agree that constant messaging can be overwhelming though, from anyone.

Crikey yes it sounds slightly suffocating. Perhaps you thought you’d miss her more?

She sounds nice to be honest. I wonder if the constant trivial messaging is what is getting you down. Can you find a way to say something like I'm struggling to get stuff done/ get to places on time because I'm distracted by my phone so I'm going to be stricter with myself about not looking at it every time it pings and might not respond to messages until i catch a break, hope you don't mind.

Then see if that helps. Your feelings of irritation might fade (or not) but you'll have a better idea of what is/ isn't working for you.

If you give up on a longstanding overall positive friendship now you might regret it later. True friends are hard to find. I've only found a few in my whole lifetime (lots of acquaintances but that's not the same).

I'd stick it out. Although you are the center of your child's world now you won't always be and might be grateful to have a lifelong friend.

Through different life stages my friendships have ebbed and flowed but now in mid fifties and onwards friendships are rekindling as we all have a bit more time to ourselves.

Are you sure you aren't feeling a teensy bit smug and well judgy now you have a child ?

I feel sorry for your friend too. Despite your life choices not being her thing (or possibly her saying it's not her thing because she hasn't ever been in the right place to settle down and have kids) she's continued to make a real effort to maintain your friendship and take an interest in your life, and yet you seem to feel like her life is frivolous and yours has greater meaning. She deserves better.

Sometimes without realising it we become very dependent on people. It becomes completely normal to have a constant running commentary with them. Now I’m doing this, look at this thing I saw, good morning/good night texts etc. as part of a friendship. It’s second nature, I’ve been there and I found it so comforting for a long time. Then, for whatever reason, it wasn’t. And I didn’t need that upkeep. You don’t need to fall out, you’re just happy with a bit more distance and the week of silence taught you that.

It doesn’t mean you feel differently about it, it means you’ve discovered something new about yourself. And that’s okay! I’m sure she has other friends, other people she can become close to in this way and get that companionship with. That’s just the stage she is at. You’re clearly not jealous and neither is she, but you need different things from friendship now.

Yes you sound a bit judgemental about her "trivial" life and your important, meaningful tasks like going to the playground or a museum. She is trying to involve you in the things that are important to her too.

But sounds like you don't like or value her to be honest so yeah, cut the cord and let her find friends who really value her and don't judge her interest in nail varnish and leggings.

Lovely, caring friends are hard to come by. Keep her.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. The week's hiatus made you realise that you spend huge amounts of time messaging about this and that. It would be too much for many of us I think.
How is your communication on a deeper level? Were there apologies over the rift? Sounds like both parties could do with that bit of closure. Or did you both pretend it didn't happen and just carry on as before after the silence?
You have such a positive history so why not look at it as a desire to change the way you spend time together ( less of the ongoing text chit chat and more seeing her or speaking on the phone) Be less available but make it count when you are. Explain this, if your communication is good enough. Otherwise quietly become less available to reply to messages, don't be looking at your phone all the time etc
If she's been a good friend it would be a shame to withdraw completely. Wishing you both well.

I'd let her go tbh. But for her sake, not yours.

Imagine you felt this way about your husband.

You've been with him for years and then one day you're just not feeling it, he irritates you, your relationship feels like a chore.

What would you do?

Would you dump him, or try to find a way of putting the spark back into your marriage?

Maybe you should apply the same principle to your friend. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it. Don't bin her off just because you're feeling temporarily lukewarm about the friendship.

As they say, it takes a long time to grow an old friend. None of the mums you meet at the school gates will have the same shared history with you that your friend does, even if they can relate to your experience of motherhood more easily.

Maybe you just need to dial it back a bit and she'll take the hint? You're both still important to each other but you have a lot more plates to juggle and once you become a mum time is so precious you don't want to waste it on trivial things like seeking a friend's nails or help decide what to eat from the fridge

I’d be very careful about losing a friendship this precious. So many people would really love to have it.

Having said that, I’ve felt like you about friends who on paper are caring but I don’t really feel they give a proper stuff about me. So I let it drift. I felt the same as you do. its happened to me recently that an old and very dear friend just didn’t make me feel she cared as much about me as I did about her. And I was gently letting it go - felt myself detaching - but she’s shown some interest in me again and I feel my bond towards her warming up again…. So clearly friendships are complicated and you can’t WILL a feeling into being.

@useran you obviously think the life she’s living & enjoying is pointless while yours now has meaning & purpose. Let her go so she can find genuine, caring friends.

It sounds to me like you’re currently getting all the fulfilment you need from being a mother to your toddler.

I felt so content in those years when my son was a toddler. Honestly nothing was as important - my world revolved around him. I felt that this is what I’m here for.

Here is the word of warning … it’s very easy when your children are little to allow your world to get smaller and smaller. You may initially feel happy with this, because you are already full on an emotional level. There’s nothing quite like that overwhelming outpouring of love for your child.

I was reasonably young when I had my boy. For the first 8-10 years, it was heavenly. Never felt love like it. I was his world, and I was so happy with that.

Now he’s growing up. He’s a teenager with his own concerns and goals in life. He’s looking more like a man every single day. I’m no longer his world. He expresses love for me, and he is thoughtful and caring and unbelievably wonderful (bar the occasional teenage grump), but I’m not the centre of his universe, and that’s how it should be.

This sounds sad, but it isn’t. I look back on the days of my boy being small, and feel warm and nostalgic, but I don’t mourn the fact those days are gone, because he’s now this wonderful new person. It’s just my world now is so, so different to what it was even just a few years ago. I don’t think I had really anticipated what it would be like. The teenage years felt so far off in the future, yet they arrived in a flash.

I think the fact you’re feeling this way about your friend is entirely normal; instinctive even. It’s a natural response of a mother who wants to remove what feels unnecessary and shallow so that you can focus your emotional energy where it really matters, right now.

But I do think you might deeply regret letting go of this friendship in the future. Those sorts of silly, frivolous, idle chit-chats/messages you don’t have time for right now will come into their own again. I can tell you it’s those messages from my friend that keep me feeling cheerful and connected, knowing I can turn to her for anything. I have a partner, but for me at least, there’s nothing that matches the support of a close female friend.

I think you are just emotionally at capacity right now, hence the fact you’re feeling this way (I really do recognise this feeling you’re talking about), but my recommendation would be to keep that friendship going. It’s precious.

Can she be my friend? She sounds lovely. Especially as you said , she doesn’t want children herself but is making a massive effort with yours anyway…