To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

I don’t think you have got to the real reason of why you feel this way and that’s why you can’t move past it.

If it was just her texts and phone calls you wouldn’t have had experienced her visit as you did,

It seems you took her comment to heart and are now dismissive and seeing her messages and concerns as being quite petty and irritating compared to yours (eg sick DC).

I do think you are still feeling hurt and unsupported in a way and only resolved things on more of superficial level.

Find a way to get to the root of the issue and speak to her again to see if you can get the friendship on track or not.

You could set boundaries around communication but I don’t think that will make much difference as it’s more of a change of heart.

I have a similar thing but the arguments were much more major. My best friend from childhood has thrice excommunicated me for something I've done. Each time, I have tentatively got back in contact after a cooling off period. Each time, I have been devastated, almost like the end of a romantic relationship but after the third time I considered leaving it be forever.

The first time was the worst. I got a complete roasting for being crap when her dad passed away. Basically I had been on the end of a year's worth of aggressive angry rants about the unfairness of her dad's terminal cancer. I soaked it all up but felt terribly stressed out by it because no matter what I said it was always wrong. I felt really bullied as if it was my fault her dad was ill. For some reason I can't really understand now, I thought when he finally died it put everyone out of their misery and it was over. And as she had initiated most of the contact I sat there not knowing what to say. I then got a huge and increasingly abusive set of online character assassinations about my faults as a human being. These centred around me being unable to attend her father's funeral on a Wednesday 300 miles away. To put it into context, my finance job was extremely pressurised and I was at the centre of the closing stages of a multi million pound negotiation. There was literally no way for me to take time off that week, even if it had been my own fathers' funeral. In addition to that, my kids were small and my husband is a teacher. Their school was 4 miles away and I was responsible for the morning school runs. I am neurodiverse and just couldn't piece together a plan for how I could juggle it all.

Anyway, after absorbing the devastating news that I'm a narcissist and a failure of a human, she went NC on me for a year, during which I was deeply sad.

The two subsequent rants and character assassinations were more minor. After the third one, over me disagreeing with a COVID conspiracy theory, I made a decision that I was going to have to let it lie and leave it as NC. However, after asking me never to contact her again, she did get back in contact.

Fast forward to now. I don't know why, but I don't like contact with her any more. It makes me nervous I will say the wrong thing and incur a wrathful abusive reply. It's partly because I don't trust her with my fragile self-esteem. I have no social confidence anyway, and what little I did have has been severely damaged by her. Her comments about me being narcissistic really hit home, and I believe them. I just have no idea how to be the person she wants me to be. 😔

I don't know if this helps, but she never apologised for her abusive behaviour. On some level I feel it wasn't okay but I can't be sure if it was all my fault.

I think that's why I'm nervous whenever I get a message from her. It's not lighthearted any more, it's loaded. Might that be why you don't enjoy the contact - because you feel it isn't uncomplicated any more and you're on eggshells.

I feel sorry for your friend, she sounds lovely, you sound a bit self-centred. I’d say tell her you’ve drifted apart so that she can go and find a friend who appreciates her and stops wasting her time on you.

You don't have to take time out like that though surely to reply, you can still be in the park/museum where ever enjoying time with your child. Or leave your phone behind when doing something with your child so your time is not interrupted. Perhaps you could let her know you won't be answering the phone whilst out with your daughter but look forward to catching up later. I think it'd be sad to step away from what sounds like has been a great friendship

Be honest with her. I’ve just had a friend ghost me and although I can see how our lives are different, I feel it’s cowardly not to say the friendship has run its course. On reflection, I feel a million times lighter without it, so she may feel the same.

Hi op,

why does it have to be so drastic?

I mean, you can maybe negotiate a « less » time to answer all the time without having to completely kill it?
sounds like you still like her but you are busy. That is perfectly honest and fine.

On team, don’t let your friend go if no other reason.

Good luck 🌺

I didn't realise people send daily messages to their friends. Or that's what "friend" means. I can't imagine doing that with anyone, not even DH.

I think your friend would be better off without you!

Friendships wax and wane, but I think you'd regret ditching this friend at some point in the future OP.
Your child will benefit from their presence in their lives. These kind of 'aunties ' are often the best!
Why not involve your child in the conversations that you think are pointless? Eg: come and see what you think of 'auntie's' new dress, nails etc. They will both benefit and so will you in the long run.

When I had my first son 5 years ago this happened to me and my best friend. She didn’t understand how hard it was to be a single mother with no support but still expected me to jump and be ready like I used to before I had my child. She would turn up outside my house beeping to hurry up never once offering to get baby ready or sit with my baby while I got myself together just “hurry up” mind you it would be to go somewhere with her because she had bad anxiety. Then after would just dump us back home and forget about us … I went off her completely. We fizzled out and then she found out she was pregnant I was happy for her but still didn’t have no desire to be as close as we were. Fast forward to her having her child she said she didn’t realise how hard it was to have a baby and she’s lost most of her friends who have no children because apparently they don’t understand what it’s like to have a small baby. I guess people just grow apart during these life changes. Lack of sleep and my friend beeping outside defo was a big switch for me when I could have done with some support myself. I was happier after because I stopped putting everyone else first x

I felt this way too about different friendships, I realised some were because of my hormones, and others because well... We grew apart.

Our brains start to prioritise what's important once we have kids, and nail polish just isn't it.

I think once you are out of the toddler stage, and able to enjoy the little things in life you will be able to enjoy her company again.

I say just wait it out for a little bit, then if you still feel the same, maybe you have grown apart

This is true. It is actual science that the brains of people who don't have children are so frivolous they can't understand what's important and therefore lack the ability to prioritise. It's why you see such a disproportionately high number of childless women with excellent manicures but absolutely no sense.

I’ve done the thing you did - got annoyed at a throw away comment a friend made when they were childless and I was frazzled and in a different place in my life as a parent. Now my child is older and doesn’t need me as much and the stress is less I look back and feel actually I overreacted and am sad I stepped away from the friendship because of this. People are always going through different life stages, but if you care about your friend you should try to weather this. She hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s living a relatively carefree life and just doesn’t understand yours. Communication and patience from both of you is key.

You have a friend that is interested in your child and continues to make contact, those are few and far between. I feel like you will regret losing the friendship in the long run.

sit down and have an honest conversation. Tell her that you struggle talking daily, but would love a proper catch up once a week or every other week. Phrase it that life with a child isn’t that interesting (it is fab, but very repetitive). That will keep the friendship alive, but lessen the pressure of daily contact.

I think she is taking up too much of your time and the week off made you realise that. I would maintain the friendship but work out what kind of boundaries you want to put in place to protect your time and space. Ie. Don’t respond at certain times in the day and set a deadline for yourself re evening messages.

Your friendship can evolve. You are in very different places in your lives so there are bound to be some disagreements and misunderstandings. I have had several major 'break ups' with a long-standing friend, including periods when she didn't speak to me for several months - and then several years. It was sad at the time as I hadn't really done anything wrong but our lives were very different and we couldn't understand each other. We've reconciled every time and currently we message a lot online and very occasionally meet up in real life. I wouldn't want to see her all the time as she is very intense. But equally we still care about each other and have forgiven each other for our foibles! We are mid forties now and met at school.

With regards to the messaging, just slow down the response time, don't reply sometimes etc. if she queries it just say you are very busy with the toddler etc. she'll hopefully adapt to the new pace.

If I'm honest, comes across like you're in mum-identity-mode and think you have a "real life" and find hers trivial and just can't be bothered with her anymore.

Put the effort in! This is a season of your life where it’s is so very different from hers, but if she’s stuck with you till toddlerhood, as many other child free friends often don’t (by accident), she sounds lovely. Before you know it, your little one will be more independent, and you can get back to your girly chats etc. she sounds very interested in you and your child, give her the effort back!

I actually think your friend is possibly jealous of your happy family life with a child. She once said she didn’t like children (so did I once but still had one) and is embarrassed to admit she’s changed her feelings. I mean she’s very loving to your daughter and I doubt she would be if she genuinely didn’t like children. I think you’ll regret it later on if you dump what sounds like a very good friend.

She may well not be jealous at all. Not everyone who doesn’t have children is jealous of those who do. And lots of people genuinely like children but still don’t want their own.

She doesn’t sound jealous at all; her behaviour hasn’t changed. Caring, consistent. It’s the OP who has got angst around the difference between their lives.

Your friend sounds intense and seems to be clinging onto your childhood-based friendship, and you have moved into another phase of your life. You can remain friends but I would be less available for all the incessant calls. You're right, your baby needs all that attention instead, and the "time out" from the friendship recently has made you realise just that

You sound awful, many people who have had children moan about lost friends.
You still have one and are pushing her away.

Hello useran, Your post made me feel so sad. You are lucky to have such a good friend. She sounds lovely and all long term relationships have occasional blips. Value her and sort this out or you may regret it. This time last year I received the saddest letter of my life. My best friend of over 45 years told me she had aggressive breast cancer that already spread and I lost her less than two months later in February. She wrote she couldn't cope with hearing my shock and sadness if she had phoned and or told me in person, writing was the best way, I agree. What I am trying to say is think carefully before rejecting this friendship it sounds precious to me, don't waste time quibbling over the small stuff. Take care wishing you happy future. x

I was dumped by my 2 so-called ‘best friends’ when my daughter was born. If the tables were turned you’d be gutted.