To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

You sound quite condescending to be honest. Now that you’ve had a child, you understand what’s really important in life and she’s just some silly girl who talks about trifling things.

She may waste your precious time talking about things that are beneath you but it sounds like she also makes effort to connect with your and your child. You’d be equally annoyed if she wasn’t doing that.

The staying in contact with someone you don’t like is you looking for a reason to place your new dislike of her.

If you don’t want to waste your time with her, set boundaries and don’t leave her chasing you.
But equally don’t expect her to be ready and waiting to swoop back in when you find other people don’t have time for you because their time is too important to waste on you or because you’ve made no effort to keep any other friendships up.

That level of contact sounds suffocating especially because its mostly mundane

You just don't like her very much. You're friends because you feel you ought to be, not because you have anything in common or enjoy each other's company. Everything you've said about her makes it very obvious that you find her irritating and grating and are very different people. You've clearly grown apart.

Ultimately, you've changed. She hasn't. That isn't your fault or her fault, it's just how it is. Nobody is right or wrong.

I think it's one of those things you're on different paths even more so now your child is growing up. You're really not interested in her, tbf, inane chatter but she makes the effort with your child. She has more time than you now so nothing is really changing for her. It's life, it happens a lot.

I'm not a total introvert but I'd find that level of communication exhausting, especially over very mundane things. If it's daily multiple times she's texting you pointless information many people would find that excessive. Would it be possible for you to tell your friend, politely, that due to having children and a busy tiring life you don't have time to talk as frequently as you used to? Maybe it's not your friend herself, just the sheer volume of communication. Tell her your trying to spend less time on your phone to focus on your kids? Something like that

God, I was thinking the exact opposite.

I love being a mum, but I'm not just a mum. I still like food, and doing my nails, and having "frivolous" conversations about new dresses and cocktails and what have you.

Your life doesn't have more meaning than hers because you now have a child. I would actually say, you're running the risk of becoming a complete mummy-bore, with no outside interests or friends as your child gets older and you have more free time.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine.

It sounds like a foregone conclusion. I think you need to have a serious think about what you weren't enjoying, or if you've just got yourself into a rut of thinking that any time not focused on your kid is time wasted.

Of course I could be wrong, but you don't mention your husband or any other friends other than "I'm married", everything is about your kid.

How did the argument get resolved? Because to me it sounds like you are still a bit resentful? Did youproperly get past it?

I also think it's perfectly reasonable to remain really good friends with her but to step back slightly from non-stop contact. So if she texts you whie you're at the park with your DC, you don't actually have to respond. Then text her later saying, "sorry, was at the park - I like the red nails better!"

I think you’re just in a different place right now. I am similar- have kids, my friends who don’t I still live, but worrying about what they are wearing or nail polish when I have little lives to be responsible for has changed everything. I love them dearly but I’ve no time for filler conversations anymore - unless I’m out with them and no kids!

^^Having said all that, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back. But it sounds like you'd rather she just wasn't contacting you at all, which is sad.

I agree with many others - don't lose a good friend over minor irritations. Yes, her messaging is too much but you admit she's a lovely, kind person.
It seems that your only real problem with her now is the annoying messaging. The argument and issue with the other friend seem to be no big deal. So deal with the messages rather than throwing away a good friend. I have a couple of friends who message all day and I just respond every couple of days (but I respond warmly so they know I still love them!). They understand I'm busy and they don't expect immediate responses. You just need to explain that your life's hectic and your child needs a lot of attention so you'll respond less frequently. She'll get used to it in no time.
I see so many people on Mumsnet who are lonely and don't have friends. It seems mad to throw away a long-term friendship over this.
Now your life is 100% your child, trips to the park and soft play etc. However, in the blink of an eye you'll have a pre-teen who finds you annoying and boring and doesn't want to hang out with you! I've recently been through this and it's tough! I'm so grateful I have maintained my friendships otherwise I'd be pretty lonely now my kids have their own lives.

Friendships come and go. But, i will say, the older you get the harder it gets to meet people and build meaningful friendships that go beyond whatever brings you together, hobby, school run etc.
I’d be cautious of throwing a good mate away without good reason.

Children don’t remain all-consuming for very long, and I bet your feelings won’t either. My children are mid teenage now, and as they’re finding their independence and planning their future, I’m regretting a few friendships that I let slide because I was so consumed with my children. I wish I’d made more of an effort because now I really miss them.

By your description, your friend is lovely, and you’ve been friends for a long time. Don’t throw it away because you’re feeling a bit meh.

Maybe have a discussion with her about the messaging in a few weeks. Don’t act in haste and do anything to spoil or end the friendship - you might regret it.

It feels as though she may be quite demanding, or that she’s constantly in touch because you always were and she doesn’t want that to change. It’s hard becoming a mum, there is a time when this small human is your world and you become a one-track person. I’d say she’s gone to huge effort to stay connected to you, but I can understand that you’re in totally different places. FWIW, I would have taken her message as a dig and I suspect it comes from a place of hurt that she’s lower priority to you than she once was.

I had a falling out with my best uni friend over email. We were not in regular contact like you but one particular email said something about ‘not being ready to ruin my life by having kids haha’ and I just didn’t reply. It’s a shame and I feel sad about it now because so much time has passed.

In a totally different vein, I had a friend I saw fairly regularly before kids and that dropped off completely after kids (she never had/wanted them). Some years later we became cycling buddies and just picked up where we left off.

so I think it’s fine to cool it off, but don’t be cruel about it as she’s clearly making an effort. If you do, I think you have to be ok with the fact that you might be sad about it in the future. If that’s not something you can cope with then try and keep it going somehow.

It sounds like you aren’t over the ‘classic parent’ dig about cancelling etc. and still hold a grudge/feel hurt by her. And now she has moved on and back to usual (lighthearted) business and you’re still not at peace with it.

Did you both air your issues and apologise to each other?

I would also add that you are coming across slightly like you think your life is more important and your life choices are superior because you have a child and by default the things your friend cares about are pointless. I adore my children and I am very happy with my life decisions but I also know that my child free friends are just as important and their lives are just as meaningful! It might not be your intention but that is how it reads..

You don't have to maintain a friendship with anyone. And tbh, your friend deserves a genuine friendship, so if you can't give that any more, you're probably right to distance yourself from it. It might seem a bizarre choice to anyone outside of the relationship but ultimately you feel what you feel.

In the longer term, think it will probably be more of a loss to you than it will be to her.

I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face here! My best friend and I have very different lives - she never married or had kids (I have adult children now), but we've kept up the friendship from our mid-teens. Yes, she annoys me sometimes and I am sure I also piss her off sometimes - it's more like a familial relationship really as I know her family so well and she's like an aunt to my DC.
If we are in a bit of a funk with each other, then we'll just cut back on contact for a bit. I did have a weekend away with her and it was quite full on, so we didn't meet for a few weeks (we messaged) and we're back to normal again now.
I know my friend never likes the 'I'm so tired cos I'm a parent' trope (from me and others) - but it's still true. There's no exhaustion like being a parent of a baby or child that doesn't sleep for whatever reason - but I'd still brush it off as her being a bit put out you didn't meet up and her not really understanding the reason. You've been friends for too long to throw that away!

Not read full thread but could you possibly tell her you’re going to be super-busy over Xmas and New Year with kid and family stuff so not to get offended if you don’t reply or respond promptly (or much)…then stop replying as much (or at all) and actually enjoy a mini-break from it. Hopefully she might get out of the habit of contacting you quite so much, but if not, at least, you can take the pressure off having to be constantly available. Happy Xmas xx

Op, I would be careful about making hasty decisions. I am childfree. A few of my friends who have children become so wrapped up in motherhood that it became their whole identity, to the point that they were no longer even interested in their childfree friends because they just wanted to hang out with women they could talk to about mothering and kids. But there is a price to be paid for this because kids grow up and leave home. And it happens in the blink of an eye. From what I have observed this is a very traumatic experience for mothers because they virtually lose themselves in one fell swoop. Your friend seems to bring something valuable into your life and I would encourage you to nurture that, even if you don't see her as much as you used to. She is a way of holding onto a part of yourself. Being a mother can seem very grown up, but you still have a carefree young woman inside of you and I would urge you to bring her out to play sometimes.

It comes across like you're looking down on her a bit for having different areas of focus in her life than you. She's done nothing wrong so cutting her out would be mean - as others say if its the level of contact that's getting you down then set some new boundaries in a kind way. People talk about feeling lonely as a parent but it can be lonely thenother way round too, feeling out of step with your friends (whether through choice or otherwise) and it sounds like she's trying hard to keep the connection. Be a little empathetic.

This is excellent advice. You are just at different stages of life and need to find some balance than works for both. Less contact is definitely something you need.

It worked for me and one of my friends. Constant messages and phone calls when you have a toddler and a job is too much. I just told her I would be on my phone less.

I think without realising we make a lot of issues for ourselves, for example if OP just put boundaries in place and spoke to her friend less she would most likely find a lot of her issues would be solved.

You sound really judgemental of your friend for not wanting what you want (i.e. kids). The row sounds like it was one you were dying to have with her, to show her she “doesn’t get it” because you’re a parent now.

You sound like a shit pal and your friend would be better off without you. You'll be on here in a few years time complaining that you’ve no mates because you were so busy being a “full time mum”.

Sounds like you have fallen out of love with her

Not in a romantic way, but you know sometimes it happens in friendships too