To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

It seems to me OP that you are judging your friend for choosing not to do the marriage/kids/domesticity thing.

I personally thing it is better to stay in contact with people who live different lives rather than just narrow down your social circle to only other parents or spend your time talking just about schools, kids and house prices.

I would just have an honest chat with her and tell her that you value her friendship but that you are rather stretched at the moment looking after young kids so you might be less available for practical reasons.

Equally if you don't value her she will be better off with other friends who appreciate her for who she is and have wider interests in life.

I’m so sorry for your loss, @Nain5 💐. My mum still cries for her best friend who died in 2016. The loss of a close friend is a wound that doesn’t receive enough recognition in our society.

I don’t have children, and my best friends do, it has been hard to navigate at times, but I feel overcoming those challenges together ultimately strengthened our friendship.

I actually had a (very minor) spat with one of them
recently, and I was beside myself for the 24 hours we didn’t speak. And now that her little one is older, we are right back to our “discussing Strictly by text on a Saturday night” nonsense 😂”. I’ll give her an extra hard cuddle when I see her next.

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop Thank you for your understanding, I hope you have many happy years ahead with your best friend x

I think it’s pretty normal when you have young children for friendships to feel a bit different as your priorities change so much. I wouldn’t ditch the friendship as it will probably change again when your life is less about young children. It sounds like she’s a good friend despite little tiffs, it’s worth hanging on to her. Maybe just take a little longer to answer texts so it’s not quite so full on.

Eww the superiority 😂chances are there are a million things your friend would rather be doing than looking at baby pictures or sharing pizza with your toddler, but she's making an effort. Fair play to her, it sounds like she's trying really hard to keep in touch. If you reply with the same frequency and enthusiasm (about her silly little life full of onions and gym leggings) she presumably thinks you enjoy the chats. She actually probably thinks you appreciate the social contact if you only have a toddler for company all day. I don't see why this is a huge issue, friendships change and evolve. A gradual reduction in how quickly or frequently you message is fine. Or even being upfront and telling her you feel you're spending too much time on your phone, you're probably not going to message as much but she's always welcome to call or visit, would be fine.

How was the argument resolved? I wonder if you are still hurt emotionally even though intellectually you have accepted it.

The messages she sends seem to be all about her and you responding, rather than her asking how you are, what you've been doing etc.

Could it be that the scales fell from your eyes and actually you don't get that much from this friendship?

It sounds like you’ve got the ick.

Except it’s with a friend not a partner.

It sounds like you got hurt by her being upset with you, and you are punishing her by using your parenthood to justify why you are not compatible anymore. Because that is the only thing you have right now, being a mum.

@Ginburee Nonsense. I've had a baby and am losing some friends. They weren't that great friends to begin with really. We were only close because we had very similar lives but once that changed we had nothing in common. My two best friends are childfree but we still have a great friendship because they really are great friends. There is also a question of priorities, I don't have time for needy immature friends anymore. That kind of level of contact and inane chat would be impossible to keep up postpartum.

Do this. The wind may change back.

I would be mortified to think that I was irritating one of my friends this much. I would actually prefer it if a friend who felt like this about me talked to me about it and then backed off from the friendship, rather than going along with things through gritted teeth. However I am so petrified of seeming needy and over sharing to people that I go to the opposite extreme, so I am perhaps biased

So why post in the beginning?
Obviously you are a crap friend.

Very gently you sound as though you have forgotten how to have fun if it’s not around your child. Although being a mother is all encompassing it’s important to take time out to be a person in your own right. Maybe the phone detox is a good measure but she sounds a good caring friend and they don’t come along every day.

Your friend sounds lovely, a lot friends who aren't interested in having children will ditch a friend once they become a mum but it sounds like she makes lots of effort to still be part of your life and that she likes your child and wants to spend time with her. Be a shame to lose such a long friendship when it sounds like your friend has done nothing wrong.

I couldn't imagine remaining friendly with someone who was unkind to any of my very close friends, much less my bestie.

I think that's strange.
Also you soumd like her therapist.
All that daily inane texting drivel would do my head in, I couldn't bear it.

Perhaps you have enjoyed the peace and are not inclined to return to the constant intrusive daily updates that pepper your day.

It sounds like you have history and there is no need to completely cut her off.

But it is perfectly reasonable to massively pull back and no longer be so available.

In your gut something isn't right.
Lean into this a figure out what it is.
Don't ingnore it, it is trying tobtell you something.

When I've felt like this about someone in the past it's been because I've allowed resentments with the person to build rather than properly addressing them, then when the inevitable blow up happens the suppressed feelings from all the past stuff come up too. If you tend towards being avoidant it can feel easier to just wash your hands of it all when that happens. It could help to look at how you generally deal with conflict and whether there's potentially an unhealthy pattern there or not.

It's understandable that you have different priorities to her now. Maybe you could try to communicate differently with her, gently ease away from all the mundane chat and instead focus meaningful energy on the proper catch-ups. It might be that you need to just adjust your boundaries a bit in that respect. I don't have children but I'd probably get irked by it too after a while. It sounds a bit much.

I had my kids late in life and was living the single, childfree life for a long time and many of my friends had kids before me, so I know what you mean. I also make a point of centring conversations with my childfree friends around other things we have in common for exactly that reason. In relation to this friend, I mean things like making assumptions about what kind of help/resources we have available, what is realistically manageable with young children, impatience with my mental health struggles returning to work etc. Much of that is down to lack of awareness, but since she's just not all that interested in the realities of parenting, she's also not inclined to listen and ask questions to be better informed. For context, she's also the kind of person who complains about crying babies on planes or elderly people walking too slowly, so just not very considerate by nature. But I like her and we have other common interests so I still enjoy catching up with her from time to time, she's just not really a source of support in any way and that's fine.

Couldn’t disagree more. If anything I think it sounds like she finds the friend’s life slightly lacking, though still takes the time to engage and show an interest.

Could you try a different tactic, and rather than throw the friendship away, see if you can make it work better for you? Maybe if you’ve realised you don’t like the daily texts, tell her you’ve decided to reduce your phone usage and would like to have a weekly or fortnightly call instead? If a change doesn’t work, a break might. You could regret losing a good friend later in life.

Friendships develop in different ways over the years, I had children before some of my friends, we didn’t spend as much time together due to our lives being so different at that time. We remained friends and when she had her daughter our friendship flourished again. I guess I’m saying don’t throw your friendship away, we all go through ups and downs.