To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

@housethatbuiltme ”real life serious responsibilities”- bolt with that patter!
Poor friend is doing what she and OP have always done, she doesn’t realise she’s doing anything to annoy the OP, and the OP places such little value on their friendship she can’t be bothered asking her to tone it down about, and instead is condescending about her life to a forum full of strangers?
Only one of them sounds like a grown up to me.

I think deep down her comment has upset you from disagreement hence why you don't feel the same

Your priorities have shifted and so they should. I think if she'd replied that she was sorry your kid was ill and hoped you were both ok soon and then checked back to see if that was the case, you'd be on the same playing field. But you're not.

I would not do anything to drop this friend but I would explain to her that your priorities HAVE changed and that there may be times that the kid comes first because they are ill and you've not slept and you cancel. And that this should not become a bone of contention but rather understood to be the new normal for you. Don't present it as an ultimatum, but just let her know it. You may find she backs off a little and takes it on board and you can keep your friendship but at a less intense-daily-text kind of level.

She just hasn't worked it out yet, while you have and that is the disconnect you're feeling, I think.

Honestly I am mid-50s and just recently dumped a friend I've had for literally 40 yrs because they have belittled me and been selfish that entire time. It took one incident for me to realize I'd had enough and I feel free. But this situation you have is not the same as that at all.

I wouldn't let this friendship drift just because you're at different stages of life now. The toddler years pass quickly and you will want to get back to your "adult" friendships and your identity as a mother. I know I did, and I cherish those friendships now (we're 48 and most of the kids are adults/teens) even though for years I was one of the only ones who was a mum (I started early).

Outing? Highly doubt your friend is on mumsnet!

And some people wonder why they end up isolated when they have children...

Personally I’m quite surprised so many people think “she sounds lovely”. She sounds like someone who would irritate me. But maybe that says more about me than anything else!

I wouldn’t make a decision about anything one way or the other. Maybe just let things drift a bit and see what happens.

There are so many posts on here about women who's childless friends have dropped them or left them out once they had kids - this friend sounds lovely and she loves you and your dd - I just think appreciate what you have. Perhaps you need a night out to reconnect as friends.

Could it be that you have lost yourself a little bit? I think that often happens with sahm/sahd’s. Their whole world revolves around their child and they don’t get a break by seeing colleagues and talking about non-child focused things. Their friends lives go in a different direction and because you are in your bubble with your child that’s all you can care about. When you list things you want to do it’s all child friendly/child centred things. None of it is focused on your needs or things that I assume you liked to do before you had a child. That person is still there and needs to come out once in a while.

I’d let her go OP. It’ll allow her to find friends who don’t think they are superior to her and her ‘frivolous’ ways.

Cut her off and you may find your ennui continuing

Recently I went off a very old and very close friend. I couldn't understand it either. She hadn't done anything. I think she just wasn't what I needed at that particular time in my life and I started to feel irritated. However, I didn't act on my feeling, just acknowledged it to myself. And now I seem to be getting over it. So I'd give it time, see how things develop and see how your feelings might change. I'm sure the friendship has endured many challenges over the years.

Personally I think it’s great that your friend is as in touch with you as always and involves your child. She sounds lovely.

However, you sound a little superior OP.

Your description of her messages make them sound very one sided, like it's always her asking you to talk about her day/ life. Is that the case or did you also used to message her with the minute details of your day?

I would find any friend who needed that much from me quite tiring! Perhaps you now just (quite rightly) have something more important to focus on and don't have the time/ head space / desire that much inane chatter.

It sounds like she hasn't realised that your priorities have changed and perhaps it's time to talk to her about that. I wouldn't just try to fade her out and I wouldn't cut her off completely either, one day you might be very grateful for a long standing, close friend.

If I was OP's friend , I would want to end the friendship if I realised she no longer enjoyed my company and was telling strangers what I said . Very patronising .

My daughter has a friend like this. She won't even come into the house if the children are running around. They still manage fun nights out.

Good friends are very hard to find, she sounds like a good one. I remember that I thought parenting was hard before I had my wee one, I never realised quite how hard and she won't know, however you won't have small kids forever and you'll want this friendship back later in life.
It's only been a week and even if you don't think it, it sounds like you need a bit more time to get over what happened.

You’ve grown up, OP, kids do that to you! She hasn’t made that step so basically you have less in common than you did.

I would just hang up if a friend called me to talk about her nail polish. Maybe it's the futility of your conversations that put the nail in the coffin?

But OP’s friend is, by OPs own admission, very good with her daughter, and her daughter dotes on her. She sounds great.

It sounds really really intense. I'd find it stifling and I don't have a kid taking up most my attention.

Can you try and recalibrate things and change the friendship to a more casual one? Less day to day?

She called you out and you didnt like it, and now you are done with the "friendship", thats the long and the short of it.

So divisive and small minded this notion that you're only a grown up if you have children (tell that to all the kids in care and/or abused by their parents) or that when you become a mother you are no longer a person in your own right. Such a strange way to see the world and like I said before isolating, what do these women do when their kids grow up.

tbh that constant amount of trivial messaging would drive me nuts too, but it sounds like you were happy to do it before (and I'm assuming sent messages of your baby doing "cute" stuff and other messages she probably also found as mindless), but it seems a bit extreme to cut someone off just for being a bit boring. Surely there's nobody in your life who constantly entertains you all the time? Even your partner I'm sure sometimes talks about something you don't care about.

it doesn't have to be that drastic, just reduce contact a little bit - the poster who suggested telling her your NYE resolution was to spend less time on your phone had a good excuse.

If after a few months of still only seeing her occasionally you still get nothing out of the friendship then reconsider. Yes it will seem cruel to her to be 'dumped' but is someone faking liking you for the next 40-50 years any kinder? You don't have to stay friends with someone just because you used to be, people change and grow out of relationships constantly.