Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right? 3rd child

199 replies

londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:04

Hi everyone. Please be gentle as I am feeling so, so upset right now.

For a long time I have wanted a third child. I love my children so much and enjoy the day to day stuff - it makes me happy and content and fulfilled. Nothing better than my usual weekly routine with my kids. For context, they are 8 and 5 and I work from home 8-2 and pick them up from school every day. My husband works 8-4 and is home around 4:30 / 5 each day. I have just turned 37 and we live in a 4 bed house with a playroom and two living rooms. My family are close by - parents recently retired and very involved in our lives. We both have professional jobs and whilst we aren't rolling in it, we are comfortable.

I have broached the subject about a 3rd child twice now and have been shut down each time by my husband who just won't even entertain the idea. He says our kids we have now will be adversely affected, we won't have time for anything or money and life will not be good. I find this so hard to accept - firstly, it is not unusual to have 3 or more kids. Secondly, we love being parents and I can only see the joy in adding to this. I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here - I work really hard to bring home a full time wage while still being there for my kids after school and another child would not change this. I would not want another child if I felt I didn't have capacity to welcome them into our family or if I felt it would adversely affect my other kids.

Any words of wisdom? I can't get past this and feel so lost at the moment

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/12/2024 21:05

I'm afraid that having another child is really a decision that requires two yeses.

I'd love a third child as well but not at the expense of my marriage.

Vettrianofan · 18/12/2024 21:06

You could end up with twins or with a child that has disabilities. Then it really would impact your older two. Think very carefully about this.

Original poster
londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:07

But how does anyone manage more than one child then? It will always have the ability to adversely affect the child you already have?

OP posts:
MyPithyPoster · 18/12/2024 21:09

Two is enough for anyone.

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 18/12/2024 21:10

No one is right and no one is wrong. You're entitled to want another and to feel the benefits outweigh the negatives. He's entitled to feel the negatives outweigh the positives. It's not about proving him wrong and being right it's about making a decision as a family.

Your feelings are valid.. but so are his and you can't force him to have a child he doesn't want. Well you could but you REALLY shouldn't.

Trickabrick · 18/12/2024 21:11

Your husband is right - there’s no compromise on this so if one partner doesn’t feel it’s right to have another one then that’s the correct answer.

StormingNorman · 18/12/2024 21:11

He doesn’t want another child. The reasons he’s giving you are just window dressing. Unfortunately there isn’t any compromise on having a child - you do or you don’t.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 18/12/2024 21:11

If one person doesn’t want another child, then that’s it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/12/2024 21:13

No carries the casting vote. That’s disappointing for you. Perhaps look at having some counselling to work through this.

Crushed23 · 18/12/2024 21:13

It's either your marriage or a third child with someone else.

Livinginadream · 18/12/2024 21:13

What would a compromise even be?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/12/2024 21:13

londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:07

But how does anyone manage more than one child then? It will always have the ability to adversely affect the child you already have?

I feel that the benefits to my first child in having a sibling outweigh the benefits of being an only child, but I'm not sure that holds true for further siblings.

Stowickthevast · 18/12/2024 21:13

There's not really any right or wrong answer here. Plenty of people have 3 children and are perfectly happy, some aren't. I would say that you have two children that are relatively close and probably reasonable companions for each other, into doing not dissimilar activities. Having a third with a 6 year age gap will make a difference in terms of their interests.
I was with friends this weekend who have a 10, 8 and 3 year old, and it was noticeable that the eldest two are into different things. It's workable, but something to consider.

georgepigg · 18/12/2024 21:14

It’s not really a right/wrong thing. He’s right to say no if he doesn’t want a third, and you’re right to want a third if you love your life as it is.

I think having a 3rd (or any child) requires two yeses. I have 3 and my life would be far easier and actually probably more cosy and wholesome and fulfilling (less frazzled) with two. Obsessed with DC3 of course, but everything is harder.

cheddercherry · 18/12/2024 21:14

He doesn’t want one so that’s really the end of it unless you’re prepared to walk away and find someone who does. You can’t force him into it, nor can he change your mind but it’s up to you whether this is the hill your marriage dies on. Personally I don’t know any families with three+ kids with both parents working full time, I imagine because it’s logistically/ financially a nightmare.

HVPRN · 18/12/2024 21:14

My ex husband stated the same as your husband. We divorced and I have a 3rd child with my new partner and the older siblings adore little one, I am content. (Other reasons led to divorce but this was a big thing in my heart for years that we just couldn't agree on).

My best friend had the same with her husband, although 1 to 2 children discussion. Years later, settled with 1 child, happily married and happy with 1.

Katemax82 · 18/12/2024 21:14

My 3rd child put a huge strain on my marriage as he is very hard work (autistic) and my husband used to bang on about not wanting any more kids ever! No it's or buts!! Then I fell pregnant by accident 6 months ago and he's actually happy about it? Men are strange creatures..the no you have now might not stay a no forever. Your husband might change his mind. One of my stepsons did also, he has 3 kids now having been adamant he didn't want a 3rd

Ghost12985 · 18/12/2024 21:15

I’m so sorry, it’s a really hard situation. And the reason it’s hard is because there is no compromise. One person has to cede the position they feel very strongly about. And because a baby is something that requires two yeses, it’s generally the person who wants another child who has to find a way to accept that they can’t and move past it.

On the assumption that this isn’t something you’ll be ending your marriage over in the hope of finding a new partner who would be willing to have a baby, you’ll need to turn your focus towards finding a way to move past this. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of that third baby. It’s not unreasonable to feel deep sadness about it. Decide if counselling would help you to address your feelings and move towards a point where they don’t feel all consuming. In time it will get easier ❤️

Dollshousedolly · 18/12/2024 21:16

You are entering a lovely phase with your two children. At their ages, they are well out of the tantrum ages, they are getting more independent, days out and holidays are more fun and adventurous because you can do more without the hassle of buggies/sleep schedules/watching their every move, etc. It’s a time for yourself and your DH to maybe re-start your own hobbies and so on.

If your DH doesn’t want a third child and you do, you’ll need your decide which path to take, stay with your DH or end the relationship.

dancingcrabbs · 18/12/2024 21:17

I wanted a third and my husband didn’t. I was sad but in the end he was right, we waved goodbye to the school run. Cars holidays house is easier.

and when I look after my nieces I realise my standards would have dropped so much the third one would have been feral

Original poster
londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:17

Livinginadream · 18/12/2024 21:13

What would a compromise even be?

For me, it would be looking at my reasons for wanting another and seeing if they were enough to consider having a 3rd. I don't mean that in a selfish way - but I mean him trying to work out if his reasons for no are strong enough for him to continue to say no even when he's considered my perspective. Not sure if I am articulating that well.

At the moment he is just saying no without really wanting to explore my reasons for wanting a third and how much it would mean to me. We can all say no to things but sometimes we could we swayed either way?

OP posts:
Original poster
londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:19

Ghost12985 · 18/12/2024 21:15

I’m so sorry, it’s a really hard situation. And the reason it’s hard is because there is no compromise. One person has to cede the position they feel very strongly about. And because a baby is something that requires two yeses, it’s generally the person who wants another child who has to find a way to accept that they can’t and move past it.

On the assumption that this isn’t something you’ll be ending your marriage over in the hope of finding a new partner who would be willing to have a baby, you’ll need to turn your focus towards finding a way to move past this. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of that third baby. It’s not unreasonable to feel deep sadness about it. Decide if counselling would help you to address your feelings and move towards a point where they don’t feel all consuming. In time it will get easier ❤️

Thank-you. You've just made me cry with your kind message ♥️

OP posts:
bugalugs45 · 18/12/2024 21:19

Do you have 2 of the same gender OP? Is it a wistful want for the gender you don't have ?
2 of my friends have a bot and a girl and both openly admit they would have tried for a third if they'd had 2 boys / girls

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 18/12/2024 21:20

He's saying no and shutting any conversation around this down. He doesn't want another, if he listened to your reasoning he would be doing so simply to humor you not to actually consider changing his mind so what's the point?

Tohaveandtohold · 18/12/2024 21:22

It’s a child, not just anything. He’s saying no and in situations like this, that carries more weight than you wanting another one. We have 3 and there’s an age gap but we both said we were done when we had 2 and we both changed our minds. You really don’t want to force another child on your husband, it won’t be fair on everyone involved.