Page 4 | Who is right? 3rd child

londonbanana · 2024-12-18T21:04:15+00:00

Hi everyone. Please be gentle as I am feeling so, so upset right now. For a long time I have wanted a third child. I love my children so much and enjoy the day to day stuff - it makes me happy and content and fulfilled. Nothing better than my usual weekly routine with my kids. For context, they are 8 and 5 and I work from home 8-2 and pick them up from school every day. My husband works 8-4 and is home around 4:30 / 5 each day. I have just turned 37 and we live in a 4 bed house with a playroom and two living rooms. My family are close by - parents recently retired and very involved in our lives. We both have professional jobs and whilst we aren't rolling in it, we are comfortable. I have broached the subject about a 3rd child twice now and have been shut down each time by my husband who just won't even entertain the idea. He says our kids we have now will be adversely affected, we won't have time for anything or money and life will not be good. I find this so hard to accept - firstly, it is not unusual to have 3 or more kids. Secondly, we love being parents and I can only see the joy in adding to this. I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here - I work really hard to bring home a full time wage while still being there for my kids after school and another child would not change this. I would not want another child if I felt I didn't have capacity to welcome them into our family or if I felt it would adversely affect my other kids. Any words of wisdom? I can't get past this and feel so lost at the moment

Mnetcurious · 18/12/2024 23:13

I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here
You can’t compromise on having a child or not, there’s no grey area.
Sorry but you want different things and ultimately no one should be forced to have a child if they don’t want to.

TheBeesKnee · 18/12/2024 23:14

londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:41

Yes two of the same gender

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I am going to guess that you have two boys? I've yet to come across a man who is isn't willing to try for a son.

This is controversial but could you flatly say you'd like to try again because you'd like a daughter? Or do you think that would drive a further wedge in the matter?

StillSeekingResponsibleAdult · 18/12/2024 23:20

I think the fact that he won't discuss it is a problem. He probably does have good reasons, but if you just get shut down and can't talk about them, then communication is the problem, rather than the potential extra child.

We discussed the hard no to DC3 until it became a yes. It has turned out very happily for us, but throw in a disability (more likely with older parents) or anything going wrong and I know I'd have been expected to pick up more of the pieces, as it was definitely me that pushed for DC3 to happen.

If I just had 2 older children I would have been able to work a lot more during COVID and grabbed some career opportunities. We'd be free to do our own thing a lot more now the older ones can be left alone, or sent off with a house key and I see friends who stuck at 2 doing exactly this.

For me the positives outweigh the negatives, but it is a balance and you need to be able to talk about that, to decide which side the balance comes down for both of you.

NotABeliever · 18/12/2024 23:22

I understand how you feel OP. I had two and really wanted a third. It took me several years to convince DH. When I had my third, my second was 8. I don't know what changed his mind, maybe he realised how important it was to me. I also think it was a bit unfair that he would say no as the pregnancy and the birth are all on the woman. I know the dad has a big role in the life for a child but I've always thought that the woman's opinion should count a bit more.
When DH decided to go for it, he was really on board and he absolutely adores our youngest. It's hard to think now that he'd said no for so long.
I did want a fourth but not as strongly as I wanted a third so I gave up and it wasn't too hard to get over it.
So keep trying. Keep talking to him. Tell him how much it means to you
Good luck!

TeenLifeMum · 18/12/2024 23:28

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 18/12/2024 23:05

OP there's a thing called 'middle child syndrome' for a reason you know. My DD was considering trying for a third baby, which I happened to mention to a mutual friend whilst chatting one day. This friend had 3 at the time, and she said 'please tell her to think long and hard before she goes for it, as while of course we love our 3 to bits, it makes life SO much harder!' She went on to point out, that you only have 2 hands, so the eldest child often ends up left out, because being the bigger one, they have to let Mum hold the little ones hands. Flights often aren't set up for families of 5 which also causes problems. In the supermarket you can put 2 in a trolley, but then the bigger child is forced to walk, which often ends up with tantrums. Fighting in the car because there isn't really room for 3 across the back seat, so they end up squabbling, and even if you can afford a 7 seater, there will always be arguments about who sits where, when both parents are in the car. There were a lot more examples that she gave me at the time, which I did relay to my DD, but she didn't listen. A few years later, she admitted to me that she wished she had, as life was SO much harder with that one extra to care for, and while she obviously loved the third one to bits, the middle child suffered, as was no longer the baby, nor had the perks of being the older child. She still struggles with this now, even though they're all grown up! The older one also had her fair share of difficulties with it, as being the eldest, she had to be the one who had to grow up quicker to help with the little ones, having already had her nose pushed out by one baby, and then yet another one came along putting her further down the list when it came to attention, as whatever you plan, the chances are that in reality, you don't have time to give 3 kids one on one attention. There really are a LOT of things which are simply easier with just two kids OP, so please don't let the hormonal needs, override common sense and your DH's wishes, or you may live to regret it.

I agree with this. I have 3dc. Planned 2 but 2nd was twins. I love them to bits but being a family of 4 is harder than 4 when it comes to booking family hotel rooms and going to theme parks, older dc would have to ride alone when younger two were little. She didn’t like them much until they were about 3 or 4. She’s 16 now and twins are 13, and she really does love them. We’ve had years of so many giggles. But it’s expensive and constant. The emotional demand is high as someone always needs something.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/12/2024 23:30

For me, the question would be what do you want more? Your husband or another child?

AllOpinionsAreMyOwm · 18/12/2024 23:33

I was in your position - I was a very similar age and similar age of first two children. But DH did want a third as much as I did and we had DC3. Honestly? It was very hard in the first two years. The sleepless nights, the age gap with the older two DC.. and the fact I was 6 years older than when I had last had a baby: I did feel the pregnancy and the recovery / loss of sleep so much more than with DC1&2.

Unless your DH changes his mind and is totally happy to have a third, I wouldn't push this as it is quite a big thing to go back to the newborn stage with an 8 and 5 year old and yes, his arguments against having a third are valid.

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2024 23:38

AngelinaFibres · 18/12/2024 21:45

Two children
You have 2 hands.
You can drive a normal car with room for 2 seats.
Family tickets are generally 2 adults and 2 children.
Grandparents can take them out in their car. I'm a granny with a backseat full of 2 car seats. I'm not buying a 7 seater so if there are more we just wouldn't go out.
Two can potentially play nicely together or play happily separately. Add another one and you've got all sorts of issues. Two together,third excluded. Third is younger and spoils the more sophisticated toys of the older 2.

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And there is no question 3 are much more expensive.

Holidays are another higher cost

OP - you haven't said how old they are?

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 18/12/2024 23:42

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 23:30

For me, the question would be what do you want more? Your husband or another child?

She’s not questioning if she wants another husband, he’s disagreeing and she’s very disappointed - that’s allowed and just as valid as his valid viewpoint

AnxiousRose · 18/12/2024 23:45

I wanted a third in my mid/late 30s.
I am mid 40s now and I am so glad I didn't. I love our family of 4. Life has been so much easier and I think we have all been happier than we would have been if I had another.
Obviously it is different for everyone and I know families with 3 and even 4 kids who make it look so easy.

everychildmatters · 18/12/2024 23:49

I have three, although the last one is with my second husband (his only bio child). 4, 14, 17. So one is learning to read while the other is learning to drive 😄
I love my unconventional family and wouldn't change a thing (even if at 44 and almost 49 we are knackered!) ❤️

Lavender14 · 18/12/2024 23:53

Ah op that's really hard. I would love another but I'm now a single parent and it's not on the cards. I think you probably both have a point. You probably could have a 3rd in the situation you describe, but your dh is not wrong in that it will affect your two. A 3rd is a big expense which means less available money to spend on the two you have which means rethinking holidays/ life style/experiences/inheritance/ help with college or cars or weddings or homes etc. When I think about how much I want a second I also think about how important it is to me that I'm able to set ds up with a good quality of life, for him to have what his peers will have and for him to have financial security that will surpass me. My guess is that your dh has got certain standards for that in his mind and he doesn't want drop that as it feels like it's less than he wants to provide for your two children. That's not a bad mindset to have and it's very pragmatic. Equally you're maybe focusing on the love and the family dynamics and the relationships and all the lovely bits of a new baby which is outweighing the rest for you - again not wrong.

I think it's fair to talk to your dh about it again from a place of really trying to understand his position on this so you can get on board and also probably to talk together about how he can support you with this because it's very important to you and you're struggling with it. You don't want to have a baby and him not be 100% on board, they are hard on marriages even when they're very wanted and planned and both parents are invested fully.

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 18/12/2024 23:54

You have two wonderful children (as have I). I think rather than lusting for a third learn to be content with what you have. Find another hobby, get a dog instead etc. I dont think its fair on anyone to bring another child into the world when not everyone is happy about the idea. Particularly not as you already have two.

Plus consider whether its a want or a need. I want allsorts of things.......... but do I need them. Ive been looking through my Amazon "saved for later" list this evening and my goodness there are an awful lot of things on there that a one/two/three years ago I was convinced I needed and guess what I really didnt and wouldnt even think of buying now. - I know its trivial to compare buying goodies on amazon to another child but thats actually my point. Unwanted purchases can be returned/donated. A child is a 20+ years commitment plus the enormous effect on your body, the households finances, the other kids etc. So huge.

Drivingoverlemons · 19/12/2024 00:05

everychildmatters · 18/12/2024 23:49

I have three, although the last one is with my second husband (his only bio child). 4, 14, 17. So one is learning to read while the other is learning to drive 😄
I love my unconventional family and wouldn't change a thing (even if at 44 and almost 49 we are knackered!) ❤️

That is lovely but not sure how it helps the OP.

Threeorfourormore · 19/12/2024 00:10

I really understand your urge for a third, OP. I’m currently expecting my third and I’d have been devastated if my husband hadn’t been on board. Although after reading on here, it sounds like maybe life is about to go to hell in a handcart…

But, I think you know that you can’t have another baby unless your husband is on board. Mine really wants a fourth. I understand his reasons, but I’m very much against it. As much as I feel sad that he won’t get what he wants, we would both need to agree to another baby in order to try and have one.

EasterIssland · 19/12/2024 00:17

londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:17

For me, it would be looking at my reasons for wanting another and seeing if they were enough to consider having a 3rd. I don't mean that in a selfish way - but I mean him trying to work out if his reasons for no are strong enough for him to continue to say no even when he's considered my perspective. Not sure if I am articulating that well.

At the moment he is just saying no without really wanting to explore my reasons for wanting a third and how much it would mean to me. We can all say no to things but sometimes we could we swayed either way?

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Are you considering his reasons to say no?

Edingril · 19/12/2024 00:20

It is not the same and one person wanting a Ford and another a Skoda type decision

EasterIssland · 19/12/2024 00:21

NotABeliever · 18/12/2024 23:22

I understand how you feel OP. I had two and really wanted a third. It took me several years to convince DH. When I had my third, my second was 8. I don't know what changed his mind, maybe he realised how important it was to me. I also think it was a bit unfair that he would say no as the pregnancy and the birth are all on the woman. I know the dad has a big role in the life for a child but I've always thought that the woman's opinion should count a bit more.
When DH decided to go for it, he was really on board and he absolutely adores our youngest. It's hard to think now that he'd said no for so long.
I did want a fourth but not as strongly as I wanted a third so I gave up and it wasn't too hard to get over it.
So keep trying. Keep talking to him. Tell him how much it means to you
Good luck!

I think it ahould count the same. Otherwise you’re not in a 50/50 relationship

Littlemisscapable · 19/12/2024 00:30

awww I feel for you. It really is such a strong urge and this is a lovely age ......but things do change quite suddenly in a couple more years. Having teenagers in secondary school etc is really very different..adding in young toddler who is potentially a different gender and honestly it migjt not be that easy..... you will be pulled in many different directions..
A LOT of this is your hormones talking..you may well feel different in a few years. Focus on the strong bond the four of you have and make plans for holidays and adventures in the future which you wouldn't be able to do with 3 kids. Anyone I know with a family of 4 and 2 the same gender have great fun together..

Mangocity · 19/12/2024 00:32

I think a man should have as many babies as his wife wants within reason if she's a committed mother. He'll love them when he sees them. The alternative is an unhappy woman pining for a baby which does adversely affect children.

Merrygoround8 · 19/12/2024 00:38

There is no compromise and neither of you are wrong for feeling how you feel.

That is quite an age gap though. You might be wistfully underestimating how disruptive a new baby would be. We have a 3 year gap between DC2 and DC3 and it struck me how much less freedom we now have vs our friends that stopped at two. I wouldn’t change it and DC3 was very much planned and wanted, but it is a consideration.

Counselling is the way to work through this.

wandawaves · 19/12/2024 01:55

Nanny0gg · 18/12/2024 23:38

And there is no question 3 are much more expensive.

Holidays are another higher cost

OP - you haven't said how old they are?

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It's literally in the OP.

RacingThoughts111 · 19/12/2024 02:07

londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:44

This may be my only option!!!!!

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A puppy or a kitten wont help that urge to have another. Ive wanted another for the last 4 years. 1npuppy ( now dog ) and 4 kittens ( now cats ) later, I still have that urge to have another baby

Guest100 · 19/12/2024 02:30

It’s just one of those things. You can leave the relationship and hope you meet someone to have another child. But you have to respect your DH doesn’t want anymore.

Heidi2018 · 19/12/2024 03:12

Mangocity · 19/12/2024 00:32

I think a man should have as many babies as his wife wants within reason if she's a committed mother. He'll love them when he sees them. The alternative is an unhappy woman pining for a baby which does adversely affect children.

So the happiness of one parent doesn't matter at all??? What? This is madness!