Who is right? 3rd child

[londonbanana]

Hi everyone. Please be gentle as I am feeling so, so upset right now.

For a long time I have wanted a third child. I love my children so much and enjoy the day to day stuff - it makes me happy and content and fulfilled. Nothing better than my usual weekly routine with my kids. For context, they are 8 and 5 and I work from home 8-2 and pick them up from school every day. My husband works 8-4 and is home around 4:30 / 5 each day. I have just turned 37 and we live in a 4 bed house with a playroom and two living rooms. My family are close by - parents recently retired and very involved in our lives. We both have professional jobs and whilst we aren't rolling in it, we are comfortable.

I have broached the subject about a 3rd child twice now and have been shut down each time by my husband who just won't even entertain the idea. He says our kids we have now will be adversely affected, we won't have time for anything or money and life will not be good. I find this so hard to accept - firstly, it is not unusual to have 3 or more kids. Secondly, we love being parents and I can only see the joy in adding to this. I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here - I work really hard to bring home a full time wage while still being there for my kids after school and another child would not change this. I would not want another child if I felt I didn't have capacity to welcome them into our family or if I felt it would adversely affect my other kids.

Any words of wisdom? I can't get past this and feel so lost at the moment

Ah this is hard. No one is right or wrong as such (and I have three and love it so would always say have the third!!), but…. I’m afraid at the end of day if he remains adamant the person who doesn’t want the next baby has to “win”. We’re taking about bringing a child into the world. You can’t and shouldn’t do that if one of you doesn’t want that child.

For what it’s worth… my closest friend always longed for a third and her husband wasn’t exactly against it, just not so keen, but various life stuff (inc he had and recovered from cancer!) got in the way. They did, as a wonderful surprise, have the third when number 2 was almost 10. He’s wonderful and of course they adore him, but it does seriously impact what they can easily do now he’s 3 (a toddler really) and they have a 13 and 14 year old. He’s perfect and we all love him but from afar, you’d say their life would be easier with 2.

A child deserves to be wanted by both parents. It's not an issue it's possible to compromise on.

I don’t think this is necessarily an unreasonable thing to ask, but you have to be realistic that even if he considers your perspective deeply and openly, he may very well still not change his mind. He may also have the same expectation of you - that you will give real and proper consideration to his objections and be open to the possibility of accepting his point of view.

When we feel strongly about something it can be so tempting to fall into the trap of assuming that people who don’t feel the same as us just haven’t considered the matter properly; that if they would just think things through they would see that we’re right. That might happen on occasion but it’s very rare. It’s much more likely that your husband’s views on the subject are just as considered as yours, and that his conviction is just as strong.

I think it’s fine for you to ask for one more discussion / period of reflection if that will help you come to terms with the situation, but if his answer is still no you will have to accept that it’s not going to change, and plan how you want to proceed accordingly.

There’s no right or wrong really, he doesn’t want a 3rd and that’s that. You shouldn’t have another baby unless you both agree.

I will say though, having 3 children, of course when you add another the existing children are affected. Having DC3 gave us less time for the others (just like having DC2 did for DC1 obviously) and with having 3 you can’t both take 1 each to give them one on one time, someone has to share. So he’s right that there is an impact. Luckily DC1&2 adore DC3 and both mother him, but that’s just luck really, plenty of older siblings resent younger ones.

Obviously having had 3 I understand you wanting another and struggling with not being able to but I think it’s something you have to learn accept, you can’t force him to want a third.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. I think his predictions of what’ll happen if you have a third sound a little exaggerated, but he’s entitled to feeling that he doesn’t want a third child, just like you’re entitled to feeling that you do want a third child.

I agree that he should listen to you, because even if he never agrees, it’ll be bad for your marriage if you have to go forward feeling that he never even cared what you felt or bothered to listen.

Listen to this poster

He is right. You aren't wrong for wanting another child, but he doesn't want one. That's it. What could a third child give you, that the two you have, don't? What is lacking? It will impact your finances. Maternity leave and childcare can be costly. You will have less attention for the two you have. Yours are young now but I can't imagine juggling after school clubs and hobbies with 3+ kids. They get more expensive as they get older. He has given his reasons. I think you need to explore what you feel is missing.

Nobody is wrong but part of your h may be wondering what if you want a 4th, 5th etc

It would be unreasonable to sway him but ask him to consider it then discuss at a later date. He may feel finished with having babies , sleepless nights etc and looking forward to more grown up adventures with you and the kids now that it’s much easier.

Yabu to assume that he’s not thought about it at all- my idea to ask him to think about it and agree to talk about it later is because you know him better than me.

I understand your upset but I'm afraid your DH is very clear doesn't want a third and it would not be ok to try to persuade him otherwise. He might end up resenting you or the child. He can listen to you, but still say no. There is no compromise, you can't have half a kid.

Thank-you everyone.

I have just never felt "complete" and I know some mothers do feel that when they have their "last" baby - whatever number that may be for them. I just feel ready for another baby and can't really shake the feeling. 😭

These are lovely words!

No advice OP but I have been here too and it’s hard. I reluctantly agreed that it should be a two-way decision so that was that - for him.

FWIW I do really love having two teens - just the two…

Your dh must not be compelled to have a child he doesn't want, and that takes precedence over your desires.

Is it maybe that he just doesn't love parenthood as much as you? He can be a great dad and still not want to only be a dad, what's your relationship like, do you have time for each other or are you consumed by the kids? Maybe hes looking forward to in 10/15 years time when it is just the 2 of you again?

And tbh, it doesn't sound like no 3 is likely to make you feel complete either, I suspect given the age gap it wouldn't take long before you felt a 4th would be best so no 3 has a similarly aged sibling.

I really feel for you, but If he doesn't want more then he just doesn't.
Could you try explaining to him how hard you are finding this and that you really need to understand his reasons not to?

I felt like that. It wasn’t a realistic option so I got a dog. Cured me of broodiness and in many fewer sleepless nights 😂
To be honest, now, it wouldn’t have mattered because I moved past the feeling myself. It does pass in time. Would it help you to dwell on the negative possible outcomes of having a third?

Yes two of the same gender

How about a kitten or a puppy, I’m being serious?

@AlertCat thank-you. I made a list of pros and cons - there were as many pros as there were cons, but I still would be willing to go for it. It's a horrible stuck feeling that I have, I can't seem to move past it

This may be my only option!!!!!

Two children
You have 2 hands.
You can drive a normal car with room for 2 seats.
Family tickets are generally 2 adults and 2 children.
Grandparents can take them out in their car. I'm a granny with a backseat full of 2 car seats. I'm not buying a 7 seater so if there are more we just wouldn't go out.
Two can potentially play nicely together or play happily separately. Add another one and you've got all sorts of issues. Two together,third excluded. Third is younger and spoils the more sophisticated toys of the older 2.

You do know there are 147 genders, don't you?

Think of your children’s future, the more people on the planet the less room for anything else to live. Trees, animals, water. two is enough

Your DH may be staying the same stuck feeling at having another and disrupting your life's.

Are you listening to his reasons and compromising as to why he doesn't think another is right for your family?

Children should be a decision that two people make together before actually making a life.

I hope you both find an answer you are BOTH comfortable with.

@BlueMum16 thank-you

I have listened to his reservations and concerns which mainly focus a third baby adversely impacting our current two. I find this so hard to get my head around because I would never want to adversely affect them and feel like I have capacity for another but obviously I cannot predict the future. But is this a good enough reason to give up on my desire? Maybe it is. I just can't get past it.

Ok so answer honestly, to yourself as well, do you want one of the gender you don't have?
If the answer is yes then absolutely fill the void with something else.

There aren't any words of wisdom, I'm afraid.
He doesn't want a third child.
I cannot imagine having any.
Your only choice is probably to be a single mother of three, or stick to two if you want to stay married - happily?

Sorry if blunt, wanting a child in general has always been alien to me.