Who is right? 3rd child

[londonbanana]

Hi everyone. Please be gentle as I am feeling so, so upset right now.

For a long time I have wanted a third child. I love my children so much and enjoy the day to day stuff - it makes me happy and content and fulfilled. Nothing better than my usual weekly routine with my kids. For context, they are 8 and 5 and I work from home 8-2 and pick them up from school every day. My husband works 8-4 and is home around 4:30 / 5 each day. I have just turned 37 and we live in a 4 bed house with a playroom and two living rooms. My family are close by - parents recently retired and very involved in our lives. We both have professional jobs and whilst we aren't rolling in it, we are comfortable.

I have broached the subject about a 3rd child twice now and have been shut down each time by my husband who just won't even entertain the idea. He says our kids we have now will be adversely affected, we won't have time for anything or money and life will not be good. I find this so hard to accept - firstly, it is not unusual to have 3 or more kids. Secondly, we love being parents and I can only see the joy in adding to this. I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here - I work really hard to bring home a full time wage while still being there for my kids after school and another child would not change this. I would not want another child if I felt I didn't have capacity to welcome them into our family or if I felt it would adversely affect my other kids.

Any words of wisdom? I can't get past this and feel so lost at the moment

I felt a bit like you at 37, probably not quite as keen. Ours were also 8 and 6.
But DH is the middle one of three, and was adamant that three children were a bad idea. He hated being the middle kid. He may have agreed to 4, but under no circumstances three!
In hindsight it was just hormones for me, perimenopause symptoms started early 40’s.
We now have two late teens, uni and A levels, and good grief they are expensive - I’m glad now there are only two of them. The expense is never ending!

but I mean him trying to work out if his reasons for no are strong enough for him to continue to say no even when he's considered my perspective
the reason I want another is to add to the madness,

@londonbanana I think not wanting to go back to sleepless nights, nappies, crying babies and the mess and chaos it all entails are all pretty good reasons TBH, not to mention the expense and logistics that have already been mentioned on this thread.

At the moment you are in the middle of the easiest period of being a parent. The baby and toddler years are behind you and you haven't yet experienced what parenting teenagers is like.

Nothing prepares you for this. The emotional roller coaster of parenting even the easiest of teenagers cannot be described. A teenager needs you far more on an emotional level than a small child. When they are having friendship issues or are being bullied at school a kiss and a cuddle won't make it go away.

Do you really want to go through GCSEs x 3, A levels x 3, UCAS x 3, friendship and relationship issues x 3?

Then, teenagers are expensive. Mobile phones x 3, laptops x 3, adult sized clothes (before they are old enough to get a job) x 3, perhaps driving lessons x 3, potentially financially supporting through university x 3.

Your OP is all about what you want. Another child in the family should be what you all want. Perhaps you explore why you want to lose your identity in motherhood.

I'm sorry but YABU. You already have two healthy children, which is one more than I could have. I'm with your husband on this. Quit while you are ahead.

This woman wants more children though and it's being told 2 is more than enough. I think many women would like more than 2 children and its not 'fancy more "me" time' that's stopping them

Even if you agree before marriage, people can and do change their minds.

What’s stopping them?

I feel for you OP I really do. Ive always longed for 3 children deep down and strongly before I even had children!
We had 1 and talked about whether we would stop at 2 or 3 and it was largely we will see how we go. After 2 was born I felt huge longing for third I knew I wasn’t finished. Husband decided he was probably finished at 2. I felt really sad. I felt like I was having to give up something I really wanted when DH gets all his choices all the time (his house choice, his car choice etc etc).
i started selling most of the baby stuff after 2 and felt it wasn’t possibly to have 3 if he didn’t want to.
i got unexpectedly pregnant quite soon after baby 2 (well soon for me, I would have planned a bigger gap personally). I considered a termination as DH really wanted me to. I almost did it. Purely to please him. I felt so depressed and awful. A few times suicidal.
Just before the abortion my husband changed his mind and we are now expecting DC3 in the new year.
I know I will feel complete after baby 3. I’m so sorry you aren’t going to get th option to at least properly talk it through with your husband in depth. I feel like only once you’ve got all your feelings off your chest will you find peace

OP, I feel for you. I have one child. I wanted another when she was around 2 years old but my DH didn't. My reasoning for wanting another was that I loved our child so much that I wanted to add to it (quite like yourself). His reasoning for not wanting another was that he loved our child so much that he couldn't imagine anything better and didn't want to upset the apple cart. So the same reason but applied to a different argument. I admit that it took me a while to get over it and there was a fairly long time that I felt huge resentment. I actually remember telling a close friend that I hated him because of it.

Fast forward a few years and our DD is 16. I really like our family set up. As she's grown up we have had plenty of money to have a good life with holidays and fun experiences and saving for her higher education, etc. We can afford to retire in the next year or so (DH at 60, me at 56) but there is no way we could have done that if I'd had my way and we'd had another. I understand your sadness but the "no" from your DH has to be the casting vote. Though I agree with a PP that your husband needs to hear you out, even if he doesn't change his mind.

Ridiculous. His poor burning planet is overrun with human beings!

In the UK in 2023 there were over 16000 more deaths than births. In Europe deaths outnumbered births by 1.2 million. While the global population will grow for a few more decades yet, due to advances in medicine and age of morality, it's complete nonsense to suggest that the world will burn because a small number of women in the uk buck the trend and continue to have larger families.

Hi OP, I was in the opposite situation to you. DH really wanted a third child, I didn't. Honestly (and this sounds harsh) we didn't spend ages working through reasons, pros and cons lists etc because his perspective, while totally valid, would never have swayed mine. I did not (and still do not) want to be a mother of 3. And for me it wasn't about not wating a third pregnancy, I was lucky to have had 2 straightforward pregnancies.

It was (and still is sometimes) unutterably sad for him, but that's not a reason to bring a child into the world if one parent doesn't want to. It's too big an ask, and not fair on the child.

Thank-you to all recent replies. I am so glad I posted this xxx

@Annabella92

don’t underestimate the appeal of more “me time” - its a great thing!

what else do you think is stopping them? Less ‘frivolous’ things perhaps?

Yes, the cost of keeping up with the Joneses

@Annabella92

lol you do realise some people buy nice things because they themselves like them? Not because they are trying to keep up with anyone else. You know that , right?

OP desperately wants a third child, regardless of cost, DH doesn't, and people are just pointing out upsides to sticking to two to help her come to terms with this. How are your comments helping her?

This seems patronising. At the moment, our costs seem to be going up each month almost and the money stretches ever more thinly. We’re not in the position of considering dc but I really don’t see how we could afford another one without massive sacrifices to our current standard of living. It has nothing to do with keeping up with other people, more about keeping up with inflation!

Also there are other resources than money. I’m not sure how well regulated I would be if I had more dc. Especially if their needs clashed, I would hate feeling so torn and being in an impossible situation.

So you are sticking with two?

I remember these feelings! Strong at the time but I'm SO glad my partner stood firm.

It definitely wouldn't have been the right idea for us and I'm eternally thankful we stuck at two. We had time for them in the teenage years and money to help with the odd bit of tutoring when needed, driving lessons and university costs. We also had the money for city breaks, theatre and sporting trips and other treats, the memories of cocktails and meals in various cities are cherished and often discussed.

We were able to help with house deposits and now we're hitting fifty we can start living freely as couple as well as being parents.

Looking back I think it was hormones and the feelings just went, I have absolutely no regrets.

Mine are preteens now and I love having two. They get on great and as an introvert I appreciate the calmness of two children. I know I would have been overwhelmed with a third, although my hormones did try to convince me otherwise. Absoutley no regrets though.

Thanks for all the recent replies. We will most likely stick with two. I feel so down but will come to terms with it in time and focus my attentions elsewhere - perhaps look into counselling too.

You will come to terms with it. I have known a few women who have had another child when the husband wasn't keen. The resentment that it has created within the marriage has been unpleasant to witness. It was along the lines of "well you wanted another child, I'm not helping you".

Not all the marriages lasted either.

I can completely appreciate your stance, and also your husbands.
I have 3 children, the eldest is 14 years older than the middle child. I wanted him to have a sibling to grow up with. I really wanted to avoid him being lonely as DD was growing up without a sibling to play with and I wanted him to just have a close bond with someone as I'd long accepted that DD would have her own life to lead.
My then husband wasn't on board. I accepted it. I wasn't particularly pleased but did accept that his feelings were big feelings that would turn into resentment if I continued on with the argument. It wasn't a one wins, and one loses situation.
I told myself, I can resign myself to the loss of that dream and enjoy what I have, and he would be unhappy, and feel resentful, and overwhelmed and like the 3rd child was a detriment to the existing two we had.

Several months later I fell pregnant. It was the earlier days of GLP-1 weight loss jabs, and at the time the warning was if you were sick or had diarrhea you would need to use other birth control than the pill, but there was no warning at the time that the jab itself lowered the effectiveness of the pill given that it worked by slowing down the absorption of food in the stomach.

So I fell pregnant, and from that moment he disengaged with our marriage.
He thought I decided I was going to have a baby anyway regardless of his thoughts. Everything he thought he knew about me was gone in a moment, and he could barely look at me.
And I couldn't believe he thought I would do that to him.

That baby is now 10 months old, generally a happy little boy. He's lovely, he's starting to bond with his brother, the work of bringing them up is unreal, feels like one is always unwell at the moment!
Money, well it comes and goes and moneys a little more stretched, and holiday costs will increase quite largely in a few years time when he has his own seat on a plane.

But the real cost is now I am a single parent. A relationship I'd been in for 14 years, almost 10 of those married, is gone. The family unit I intended to give my babies will never exist. Going back to work is a far off dream.
Their father is involved, and he's sorry for his treatment of me during my pregnancy, but he never wanted a 3rd child and I guess for that I don't get as much support with the kids as I could.

I really want you to be prepared that if a 3rd comes along and he's not on board, it may destroy your marriage and rip the guts out of the life you thought you would give your children.

Thank-you @Yesiknowdear
I am sorry your marriage has been ruined 😢 you are amazing for keeping going and showing up for your kids xxx

Problem is you might never feel complete.

I have six and never felt complete, for me thankfully husband always felt the same, we stopped as we ran out of bedrooms. Only now youngest are in their teens have I stopped wanting another- DH would have more now the oldest have moved out.