Who is right? 3rd child

[londonbanana]

Hi everyone. Please be gentle as I am feeling so, so upset right now.

For a long time I have wanted a third child. I love my children so much and enjoy the day to day stuff - it makes me happy and content and fulfilled. Nothing better than my usual weekly routine with my kids. For context, they are 8 and 5 and I work from home 8-2 and pick them up from school every day. My husband works 8-4 and is home around 4:30 / 5 each day. I have just turned 37 and we live in a 4 bed house with a playroom and two living rooms. My family are close by - parents recently retired and very involved in our lives. We both have professional jobs and whilst we aren't rolling in it, we are comfortable.

I have broached the subject about a 3rd child twice now and have been shut down each time by my husband who just won't even entertain the idea. He says our kids we have now will be adversely affected, we won't have time for anything or money and life will not be good. I find this so hard to accept - firstly, it is not unusual to have 3 or more kids. Secondly, we love being parents and I can only see the joy in adding to this. I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here - I work really hard to bring home a full time wage while still being there for my kids after school and another child would not change this. I would not want another child if I felt I didn't have capacity to welcome them into our family or if I felt it would adversely affect my other kids.

Any words of wisdom? I can't get past this and feel so lost at the moment

I wanted 4, DH was quite happy with two. He relented and we had 4 in the end. I understand how difficult it can be to make a decision like this though.

The thing I think that may not be considered by a lot of people is that a third baby becomes a third teenager. If they like sports or similar activities then negotiating taking them all to their respective matches, performances or whatever becomes very challenging and someone may well miss out. Obviously not the case for all, but worth considering.
i had a very strong desire for number 3 but now with two very sporty DC, I’m so so glad DH said no!

If things had been different I would have loved a biological sibling for my DS. But they weren't and as time went on I had to focus on the healthy child I had. We now have DSD which is amazing but it's different because she didn't grow up with us.

Two healthy children is plenty. Children are so expensive. Maybe you are mourning them not being little and I get that. I focused on the joy I had as my DS got older. It's different but such good fun and the later teenage years were challenging.

Yes you're in the perfect position for a third child. But your husband doesn't want one, so that's that unfortunately. My sister wanted a third for years and considered getting accidentally pregnant... her husband wanted to buy a huge doer-upper house and she really didn't. He said to her 'how would you feel if I bought it without your knowledge and we had to spend the next 5 years and all our money doing it up?' She got the message.

I have two out of four with disabilities. DC1 and DC4. Be careful what you wish for.

If I had my time again, I would have stayed single.

I was the 3rd child because my parents wanted a boy (I'm not one) and was never really cherished by either parent.
Op I have 4 kids - the junp to 3 is the hardest change - the age get you have now would make a baby really stick out like a sore thumb as you are past the toddler stage. Your husband would resent the child and you would end up doing the majority of the child rearing at tge expense of time with your other 2. It's not worth it.

I can imagine this is why he doesn’t want to discuss it: ‘We discussed the hard no to DC3 until it became a yes’.
He has his reasons. Yes, it would be better to discuss but I bet he suspects the discussions will go on until he gives in or is made to feel selfish.

I'm sorry, OP. I think the idea of a third is something you should work on grieving. This is such a hard thing because neither of you are wrong to want what you want but the reality is that there isn't a remotely reasonable compromise available and both parents should be on board with any children. You've said you just want your DH to listen to your feelings and how much you want this in more depth, but he likely feels that doing so will either end in him feeling like this horrible bad guy for saying no to a pleading wife or getting pressured into agreeing to something he really doesn't want. And I'm not sure that you would really feel better if you laid out all of this raw emotion and want and, knowing just how much this means to you, he still said no.

Could you maybe explore different hobbies and interests and find a real passion for yourself outside of being a parent? Your kids are becoming more independent now and this means you have more time for yourself. Invest in yourself! @londonbanana

[I've name changed for this so I can include some details]
My DH and I sort of stumbled into a pack of 7, with ages from 17 down to 3. My now-DH had 2 from a previous marriage and after a fair amount of discussion we decided to have two more (because we didn't want to have one outlier in ages). I love them fiercely, I don't regret having them, but there is absolutely no doubt that having that third was a massive shift for our family life because suddenly we were trying to manage two completely different stages of parenting/family life. Between those two babies there was a loss in my DH's extended family and we adopted 3 siblings who are right in the middle of the age range. Everyone loves each other and this circus of ours works better than I could ever ask for but it would be incredibly unfair for me not to acknowledge that having younger siblings added in changed life for the older ones and that they all inevitably miss out on some things because we're balancing nap times and toddler-proofing and Blippi with sports matches and lego and mates coming over to play video games. I stress whether I’m offering enough quiet time for tweens to talk about friend group worries and subject choices in between pleas to play another round of musical statues and bathtime. There’s no movie that a 13-year-old and a 3-year-old both want to watch, and we end up taking a sitter on holiday because traveling with toddlers and with tweens is completely different so without childcare we’d miss out on enjoying the latter fully. And some evenings just feel like a duel between puberty-fuelled dramatics and exhausted preschooler meltdowns and on those hard days I have to remind myself that DH and I got ourselves into this together and we’ll see it out together.

This is by no means an attempt to convince you that having more children is bad or will ruin your life. But your DH is correct, of course it will change your family. It’s a reset on all the milestones you’ve passed and a decision to split your energy and time between being the parents that your current two need at their ages and the parents that someone 9 years younger needs. The older two will have to figure out new roles in the family as a whole new person comes in and carves out a place of their own. And yes, it’s costly to add one more now but it also means that any financial help you might be able to offer during uni and young adulthood gets split among 3 instead of 2.

Just to say @OneShoeShort that you and DH are amazing for adopting your relative's children.

OP, I have three DC. My DH took a bit of persuading, as he did initially want to stop at two. I love them all so much but I've got to say that three teenagers is hard! And so expensive!

You are in the sweet spot now. Your kids are at the perfect age to enjoy life, travelling, absolutely anything without the extreme hardship and faff of a new baby. Your kids need you and a baby will consume your time. You also might have twins or a child with SN.

I'm firmly with your dh here. I have two and am counting the days till I'm where you are so I can enjoy life again!

OP I think in your shoes I'd ask DH to have some sessions of couple's counselling with you, so that the 2 of you can have the fuller, deeper conversations that you need.

Hopefully he will say yes to this idea and the 2 of you will be able to have some productive and therapeutic chats to better understand each others' POV and find a 'compromise' way forward.

If he should say no - if he currently isn't willing to give you those conversations, AND if he's not willing to engage in couple's counselling with you about it, THEN I think you have a DH problem, not a 3rd child problem. It would be wrong, withholding and controlling of him to deny you the opportunity to say your piece and feel heard by him.

So if it's a no from him to the counselling, then I think you have found the root of your problem - your DH is silencing you and making you unhappy. You can deal with that problem how you see fit (I'd do some individual counselling to help you move forward).

Best of luck whatever you decide x

To be frank that is a big age gap so number 3 is the equivalent of an only child. It will definitely negatively impact your other kids. Holidays will be baby / little kid oriented until they leave home. Your DH is clearly done so it will massively impact him. Less money for everyone. Less chance to to fun things with the eldest 2 because they'll always be held back by the little one. Different schools will make school runs more complicated. Earning power of both you will be impacted.
Sorry if I was anyone else in your family I would struggle to see any benefits.
The little one will be 12 and have no one left at home.

You can have all the resources, time, patience, motivation and love in the world to give another child and you still need to have both partners on board to go ahead and make it a successful reality. It's just how it is.

I'm sorry, op. You must be gutted.

I suspect this is a bit of a wind up but on the off chance it isn’t I can assure you it’s not true. I was the third child (a bit of a surprise to much older parents) and growing up it was very obvious that only one parent really wanted me. And that had an adverse impact!

I really feel for you OP but to echo what others have said, it’s not a compromise that can be made. Perhaps some counselling (alone or together) can help to work through things and try and avoid resentments building up. Neither of you is right or wrong and both of your feelings are valid.

Absolutely good points.

I have a 6y age gap between my two and all this applies. We had only two so that they have each other but make no mistake that my older one has to bear a lot of sacrifices for the baby.
I would not ever put them through bringing another baby as it would be very unfair on them.
It seems like the only person who wants a 3rd would be you and that's not fair on the family op. I understand it's sad for you but you should make peace with it and move on.

Your life sounds amazing, runs well and everyone is in a good place. Why upset that.

A friend had almost similar age gaps and a 3rd. I really think she regrets it although won't say it.
They're back to splitting weekends as someone needs to sort the baby out, limited by what they can do, older kids always complaining that both parents aren't available , her dh is under financial pressure as she extended her ML to cover school holidays/ childcare. They overall seem so unhappy compared to the sweet spot that they were in.

I don’t have any children so take this with a pinch of salt, but I agree with others that this is hormones. I’ve always known I didn’t want children, and then suddenly in my late 30s a hormonal surge hit and I was consumed by the idea I wanted a child. I couldn’t even walk down the baby aisle in Tescos, it was so painful as logically I knew that it wasn’t going to happen.

It lasted maybe two or three years. I’m now mid 40s and feel bemused looking back - can’t imagine why I would have felt like that and am so grateful not to have a child in my life.

Hormones can be a very powerful thing!

Thank-you everyone for your comments through the night and this morning. In relation to leaving my husband and having a 3rd child with someone else - that's not what I want at all. I want a third child who is a full sibling to my other children and want to raise it with my husband.

Ultimately I will respect my husband's decision, but I just feel like it's the easy answer to say no because obviously having another child brings it's expenses etc and upheaval to our family but having a second did that too and it was the best decision ever.

I do understand that parenting teens is very different to parenting a toddler and have added that to my list of drawbacks.

This would be good advice for many situations where compromise is possible. But there’s no compromise between having a child and not having one - you can’t have half a child. So your suggestion feels a bit manipulative to me - I imagine the DH is worried that anything like this will turn into the OP trying to persuade him round to her POV and that he knows it’s a hard no and doesn’t want to be placed in that deeply emotionally uncomfortable situation. It could also make things worse if DH listens to OP’s soul-baring about wanting a child and still says no - both of them could end up feeling in a worse place. As is often said on here, having a child takes two people, and also, no is a complete sentence.

Hormones are indeed super powerful.

My husband absolutely doesn't want a third child, and we are so knackered and burnt out with two we don't often have the energy to have sex. But I have a copper coil because I prefer having a natural menstrual cycle, and every cycle, without fail, in the five days before I ovulate my husband just wants to have sex all the time. His brain doesn't want to have another baby, but his hormones do.

Reading some of the comments on here, you are all so wise and mature and have laid out very clearly the reasons why I may be feeling like I am, and for that I am super grateful. Thank-you all ♥️

Just to give another perspective, I feel done after having my children and presumably that’s how your husband feels now too. If my husband wanted another child, there’s nothing he could say or do that could override that feeling for me - I just don’t want to do it all again, regardless of finances, practicalities, what another child would add to the family etc.

It’s a shame that you don’t feel that way too but don’t underestimate how strongly he feels about not wanting another. The urge to not want another can be as strong as the urge to have another.

I'm the 'unplanned' (DM admitted that she tricked DF) third child.

It did create a very difficult dynamic. I was very much DM's child. Didn't have a close relationship with DF until my late teens. Unfortunately DF died when I was in my mid 20s.

Having a third child creates a middle child. DB2 was definitely the 'spare'. It has been hardest on him. I know he still resents me now. He was always desperate for DF's approval and never got it.

I will admit my family life was weird but I don't think a third child helped.

We are all middle-aged but you can still see the impact of our childhoods in how we are now.

There’s actually a lot of point. Feeling fully heard helps soothe feelings even if it doesn’t fully change anyone’s mind. We all want to feel listened to and understood by our partners even if they don’t fully agreee.

I think if her DH listened it would really help
OP even if nothing changes