Who is right? 3rd child

[londonbanana]

Hi everyone. Please be gentle as I am feeling so, so upset right now.

For a long time I have wanted a third child. I love my children so much and enjoy the day to day stuff - it makes me happy and content and fulfilled. Nothing better than my usual weekly routine with my kids. For context, they are 8 and 5 and I work from home 8-2 and pick them up from school every day. My husband works 8-4 and is home around 4:30 / 5 each day. I have just turned 37 and we live in a 4 bed house with a playroom and two living rooms. My family are close by - parents recently retired and very involved in our lives. We both have professional jobs and whilst we aren't rolling in it, we are comfortable.

I have broached the subject about a 3rd child twice now and have been shut down each time by my husband who just won't even entertain the idea. He says our kids we have now will be adversely affected, we won't have time for anything or money and life will not be good. I find this so hard to accept - firstly, it is not unusual to have 3 or more kids. Secondly, we love being parents and I can only see the joy in adding to this. I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here - I work really hard to bring home a full time wage while still being there for my kids after school and another child would not change this. I would not want another child if I felt I didn't have capacity to welcome them into our family or if I felt it would adversely affect my other kids.

Any words of wisdom? I can't get past this and feel so lost at the moment

I think if it's a hard no from the other parent then there isn't really a compromise.
This may help to think of these things, by the time your hypothetical third is a toddler your older two will be at least 7-10 maybe older. Their hobbies, wants for a day out, needs are going to be vastly different and you may find yourself a bit on the periphery with the baby for a few years while your older two focus on what they want to do.
I have a 3 year old DD and a baby DS and also a 9 year old step son. Whilst there is some cross over with my DD and SS in terms of games and both enjoying the zoo for instance, I can already see this dwindling and him in the mindset of being a bit of a tween and not being super interested in doing the same things. When DS is 3, step son will be 12, which is a huge gap. I imagine/hope they'll always get on but doubt will have much in common until they hit adulthood.
I have floated the idea of another to DH who like yours was a hard no, due to money, would need a new car and more space primarily, and trust me 3 kids in the back of a car is tight so doing that every day would be a hassle. So I know deep down that it won't happen, I've inwardly said goodbye to that next baby and think they'll come to me in the next life. I imagine when my youngest is 3 we'll get a dog and that will be enough for me. Adding another into the mix I think would be more divisive, and I wouldn't want my DH to resent me if I really put my foot down and it end up us drifting apart.

Your life sounds lovely, but I know that feeling you have and how hard it is to let go of someone you don't even know.

Mum of 3 here. Mine are 13, 6 and 4. My eldest daughter is probably never really going to be happy with havihg two younger siblings, especially as she was so doted on as an only child for so long.

She finds her siblings annoying and has little in common with them, especially as they are both so close in age.

My youngest DD was unplanned and I nearly had a termination as my DH said he didn't really want to have a third child. Our marriage survived but the post natal period was horrible, especially after lockdown and having had her on my own in hospital with a planned c-section. My DH might be happy with things now, but waa angry for a long time at my (selfish) decision to keep her. Treasure your two children you have and think very carefully ❤️✨️

@FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren genuinely don't wish for one gender over the other - I absolutely adore my two and would love the same again. Of course - I've said I would like a third - so I would be happy with either gender. But gender is not the reason behind wanting a 3rd.

If I am to look deep inside, the reason I want another is to add to the madness, to extend my patenting years (I know my two will eventually flee the next and having another would delay the empty nest by a few years) and also I just yearn for another child - I wish I could explain it

I encountered this sort of attitude after I had my son and then my daughter. I went on to have two more sons, lovely grown men now, who have children of their own.

Mum of 3 here. Mine are 13, 6 and 4. My eldest daughter is probably never really going to be happy with havihg two younger siblings, especially as she was so doted on as an only child for so long.

I have a really different experience, my eldest DC is mid 30’s and two youngest are mid 20’s and they are and have always been really close. My favourite thing is when all three of them get together.

I wasn’t hoping they were going to turn out to be serial killers just approve a point.

I felt exactly the same as you OP after having my first 2. Absolutely loved everything about being a parent. Adored it. I definitely didn't feel done after 2. It wasn't even a question to have a 3rd, even my now XH was in total agreement.

So we had a third. And it's a fucking nightmare. Has been from the beginning and all the way through. It's not that my 3rd is the problem, he's beautiful. It's just that managing 3 kids is not like managing 3 kids for some reason, it's like managing 10.

I recommend to everyone to just stick to 2!

It Sounds like you currently have the perfect family and set up. You should think very carefully about the realities of another child. My eldest has just started senior school and our costs have risen significantly. They seem to cost more the older they get…
I hope you find the right decision for you all op.

Three is definitely something that most people would find bloody hard... logistically, emotionally etc... others might find it easier than me but I'm not kidding when I say most people would underestimate the lack of time that you get,and the constant demands being pulled from pillar to post.😅😳

Most days, I'm knackered lol 😆

I think 3 is a big step especially as you as a family have left nappies, and buggies and high chairs etc behind now.
Those pre-school years are brutally expensive either with childcare or someone not working. I would also do the sums at the other end. Driving lessons or university costs or laptops and phones are expensive so how long do you and your husband want to continue working for (admittedly you might still be very young!).

I wanted a 3rd but my husband didn't. So we have two gorgeous kids and I've made my peace with it. There were plenty of 'arguments' either way and no right or wrong decision but it's important to consider the entire picture and it's really not going to work to push someone into this. It will affect everything forever. My family unit of 4 that existed was more important than my imaginary picture of a family of 5 (or 6! I would have had 4 in a perfect world)

This isn't to say it's the same for you, but it sounds like your option is finding a way to become content or to leave and create something new. Again - no wrong or right answer as you're the only person who gets a vote.

It makes me sad now and again but I always remember this family I knew when I had my daughter - they had 3 boys and the woman was desperate for a girl so pushed her husband into a 4th. Had triplets!

I was a massive heel dragger on 3 and would now gladly have another. Possibly not a helpful contribution but sometimes the idea of another is much more off putting than the reality. Keep talking is my advice.

Your bank balance will thank you for sticking at 2 OP 😀

@londonbanana you must have got married relatively young OP? Perhaps your husband is looking forward to the future post children leaving home and having time together with you, if he’s a couple of years older than you another child in the next couple of years means a child at home / uni potentially into his 60’s. We’ve done it that way round by choice ( second child in our 40’s)and I wouldn’t change it but we had a lot of fun times and freedom in our 20’s and 30’s before marriage and kids. You sound like you have a good balance in terms of working hours and finances, why jeopardise that?

So compromise to you is to completely understand what you want - then agree with you in the end because compromise wouldn’t be him understanding and still saying no. What you actually want is for him to change his mind.

All of your material, financial and economic reasons are fine but there is a whole heck of a lot more to having a kid which you know. He doesn’t need to understand your side - he has already been through it twice so knows exactly what it entails. Again, I think you are trying to inch him toward saying yes.

Maybe he doesn’t want sleepless nights, nappies, relentless child rearing, weaning, bottles, teething etc. and is happy with what he has.

What do you do? Accept you have a beautiful family and it’s complete or leave him and have a kid with someone else.

Please do not let this eat at you to the point where you resent him and it ruins your marriage.

He just does not want another child. You'll have to carry on trying till you get your way or give up.

This was my reason. 1 had started school and the other was going to nursery more days. I loved every minute and didn’t want to move on. I wanted to do it again.

Dh was a hard no. Wouldn’t listen to me saying I just want to discuss it. We would argue about it far too much that in the end he said we’d see what happened the following year. Either a pregnancy or vasectomy. That was my green flag. I threw out the pill and started tracking. 3rd baby did fix it. I knew I was done and she gave me that extra time I wanted. No regrets for either of us.

@Resilienceisimportant thank-you.

Perhaps compromise is the wrong word... I think I mean something along the lines of... do you just not want this as it would be a change and hard work and if you considered how important it is to me, could you see a way around it? Or is it a firm no and no matter how I feel, the answer would still be no. That's where I'm at now.

@Sometimeswinning thank-you

I can empathise with you wanting more time. That's how I feel. Sometimes I am paralysed by how quickly it all has gone!

No one is right - but it takes two to make a baby.

OP there's a thing called 'middle child syndrome' for a reason you know. My DD was considering trying for a third baby, which I happened to mention to a mutual friend whilst chatting one day. This friend had 3 at the time, and she said 'please tell her to think long and hard before she goes for it, as while of course we love our 3 to bits, it makes life SO much harder!' She went on to point out, that you only have 2 hands, so the eldest child often ends up left out, because being the bigger one, they have to let Mum hold the little ones hands. Flights often aren't set up for families of 5 which also causes problems. In the supermarket you can put 2 in a trolley, but then the bigger child is forced to walk, which often ends up with tantrums. Fighting in the car because there isn't really room for 3 across the back seat, so they end up squabbling, and even if you can afford a 7 seater, there will always be arguments about who sits where, when both parents are in the car. There were a lot more examples that she gave me at the time, which I did relay to my DD, but she didn't listen. A few years later, she admitted to me that she wished she had, as life was SO much harder with that one extra to care for, and while she obviously loved the third one to bits, the middle child suffered, as was no longer the baby, nor had the perks of being the older child. She still struggles with this now, even though they're all grown up! The older one also had her fair share of difficulties with it, as being the eldest, she had to be the one who had to grow up quicker to help with the little ones, having already had her nose pushed out by one baby, and then yet another one came along putting her further down the list when it came to attention, as whatever you plan, the chances are that in reality, you don't have time to give 3 kids one on one attention. There really are a LOT of things which are simply easier with just two kids OP, so please don't let the hormonal needs, override common sense and your DH's wishes, or you may live to regret it.

But he has said no. To be fair your hubby has been through it twice so he knows what he is saying no to. Just because it is really important to you rather than a little important to you wouldn’t change his decision or else he’s having a kid just for you and potentially resenting you for pushing him into it.

As I said, you need to let it go or you will resent him. If he says yes just for you but doesn’t want to he will resent you. This is an enormous life altering decision of which he has full knowledge. There isn’t any way around it. I would gently suggest again your language is hopeful and influencing to get him to change his mind.

Where you are is just disappointed and I understand that but it’s important to draw a line and not let this linger.

It was so nice to read someone who felt what I had felt. My 3rd is now 9 and I’m still enjoying doing all the things for that bit longer.

I had enough of him asking me why our two weren’t enough. That was the problem, they’d been so great I wanted to enjoy it again!

It is v v common to have a late 30s pang of extreme broodiness OP, but as others have said, the step from two to three is considerable. We stopped at two - DH wanted a third but I didn’t feel right about having more than two when the world is already so terrifyingly overpopulated. I was sad about it for a couple of years but now they’re older I am SO relieved we didn’t have another. I’m just about starting to get some semblance of a life/career back and two feels manageable (just!) - any more and I’d be constantly stressed. Our finances also nosedived unexpectedly and an extra child would’ve really pushed us beyond our limit.

Thank-you everyone for your responses.

Each one of your messages has helped me feel a bit better - whether it's because you have sympathised with me or just been frank with me.

I'm honestly feeling so broken at the prospect of not having another child. It's hit me like a tonne of bricks and I don't feel like I want to do anything else now that I have a wee bit of freedom (the last year or so has felt much easier but I actually haven't really enjoyed that - weird I know).