Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right? 3rd child

199 replies

londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:04

Hi everyone. Please be gentle as I am feeling so, so upset right now.

For a long time I have wanted a third child. I love my children so much and enjoy the day to day stuff - it makes me happy and content and fulfilled. Nothing better than my usual weekly routine with my kids. For context, they are 8 and 5 and I work from home 8-2 and pick them up from school every day. My husband works 8-4 and is home around 4:30 / 5 each day. I have just turned 37 and we live in a 4 bed house with a playroom and two living rooms. My family are close by - parents recently retired and very involved in our lives. We both have professional jobs and whilst we aren't rolling in it, we are comfortable.

I have broached the subject about a 3rd child twice now and have been shut down each time by my husband who just won't even entertain the idea. He says our kids we have now will be adversely affected, we won't have time for anything or money and life will not be good. I find this so hard to accept - firstly, it is not unusual to have 3 or more kids. Secondly, we love being parents and I can only see the joy in adding to this. I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here - I work really hard to bring home a full time wage while still being there for my kids after school and another child would not change this. I would not want another child if I felt I didn't have capacity to welcome them into our family or if I felt it would adversely affect my other kids.

Any words of wisdom? I can't get past this and feel so lost at the moment

OP posts:
Everlygreen · 19/12/2024 09:19

Going from 1-2 has a major positive of now each having a sibling, and it's hard but that being a big reason makes it worth it.

2-3 is just not the same justification anymore.
Your kids will be teens and then trying to parent a toddler, who will be held back by the needs of a toddler.

I have a 2.5yo and 9yo. On holiday recently we were so restricted by what our toddler can do. A very simple example but a big impact on my older one. At least now between dh and we can manage that and each child still have a full parent's attention.
Do you really want to be doing anything with one parent doing something completely different with 2 kids and the other stuck with the toddler
Op you are in the sweet spot in life , run with it and make the most of it ❤️

CautiousLurker01 · 19/12/2024 09:20

No right and wrong - but if your DH doesn’t want a 3rd child you can’t force him to have one. Children should be brought into the world by two consenting adults. He doesn’t consent. You’ll have to reconcile yourself to it, have counselling if necessary to unpick why the drive to have another child is so strong, and maybe come to understand how a baby now would very negatively impact your existing children’s lives as well as your DH’s.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/12/2024 09:25

Wallywobbles · 19/12/2024 08:53

To be frank that is a big age gap so number 3 is the equivalent of an only child. It will definitely negatively impact your other kids. Holidays will be baby / little kid oriented until they leave home. Your DH is clearly done so it will massively impact him. Less money for everyone. Less chance to to fun things with the eldest 2 because they'll always be held back by the little one. Different schools will make school runs more complicated. Earning power of both you will be impacted.
Sorry if I was anyone else in your family I would struggle to see any benefits.
The little one will be 12 and have no one left at home.

I was 9 (and my older brother was 12) when my younger brother was born. This being the late 60s, I don't think his arrival was planned!

When I left to go to university he was 9 (our older brother had already left, but he didn't have much of a relationship with the younger one - I did and always have done). He was devastated and became quite ill as a result. It took him years to get over it.

OP, as well as what others have said about the impact of another child on your lives as a family, don't assume that it will be marvellous for any of the children.

countrygirl99 · 19/12/2024 09:34

A friend with 4 once told me that every child you add doubles the workload/effort/hassle. So 2 is double the effort of 1 but 3 is 4 x the effort because of 2 hands/ size of car etc.

CautiousLurker01 · 19/12/2024 09:36

@VickyEadieofThigh agree with you - I am 6 and 9 years older than my 2 half siblings. We love each other, and I was a second mum to them in my teens, but we really struggled to build a ‘real’ relationship because we had nothing in common - different schools, friendship circles - and therefore our cultural experiences were completely dfferent. Didn’t really build a slightly closer relationship until the older of the two got married and had a baby the year before I did and the imbalance of the age difference/seniority kind of dissolved. The youngest never married and that bond has never been forged. We are three people connected by blood who love each other on a superficial level as a result, but have no real relationship or close bond. We text occasionally, but haven’t seen each other in the flesh for years despite living within 90mins of each other. This year I stopped bothering as they never enquire about my kids (SEN, took A levels/O levels etc… just not interested or aware).

I really feel that people have a rose tinted idea of babies - they can upset the dynamic of an otherwise happy family that has found its equilibrium and are very often not much appreciated by existing primary school children.

Hillarious · 19/12/2024 09:37

londonbanana · 18/12/2024 21:32

Thank-you everyone.

I have just never felt "complete" and I know some mothers do feel that when they have their "last" baby - whatever number that may be for them. I just feel ready for another baby and can't really shake the feeling. 😭

I was "lucky" to fall pregnant unexpectedly with my third, so there was no discussions on whether we should have a third. I was also lucky that it was a straightforward pregnancy and he's a straightforward child, and the three children, now in their 20s, are incredibly close and supportive of each other. Finances were tight, but we managed with good humour and have had lots of fun on a shoestring with the three of them over the years.

The notion of feeling "complete" did come over me after the arrival of no3. Ten minutes before he was born I made a mental note that this was painful and I wouldn't be going through it again, and that was before, amongst other things, two extensions on the house, the purchase of an estate car that could take three car seats in the back, discovering the majority of "family tickets" cover two adults and two children, and putting three children through university on basic loans.

I think what you're after OP is a proper discussion with your DH, rather than being shut down by his simple "no". You want to understand his reasoning and you want to be able to put your case across. You're not being unreasonable in wanting that.

brunettemic · 19/12/2024 09:41

You’re both right and neither is wrong. It’s as simple as that.

HamptonPlace · 19/12/2024 09:56

MyPithyPoster · 18/12/2024 21:09

Two is enough for anyone.

3 is a magic number..

Heidi2018 · 19/12/2024 10:05

I just feel like it's the easy answer to say no because obviously having another child brings it's expenses etc and upheaval to our family but having a second did that too and it was the best decision ever.

OP your husband has obviously considered having a third in his own head, just as you have. He isn't just point blank refusing, he would've considered the pros and cons himself. He doesn't want to discuss it because he doesn't think there's any reason you can give that will override the cons of it! And that really sucks for you but it really is a joint decision. I don't think holding out hope for a discussion that might change his mind is going to do you or your head or your heart any favours.

It's very easy to say ye managed with a second, but a third brings more upheaval and more financial expense. And it impacts everyone's entire life, a later retirement age to put a third through college, less time and less money and less resources to spend on each current member of the family...

livingafulllife · 19/12/2024 10:10

I was one and done.
Hes an adult now and im free to do what i want.
I think 2 is plenty think of all that responsibility you will have again.
Back to the baby stage.
Im team husband.

Annabella92 · 19/12/2024 10:12

It's so sad that families have become so small now.

StrictlyOnIce · 19/12/2024 10:16

Sounds a great idea OP a third child I’m gutted for you that your husband isn’t on board

Upstartled · 19/12/2024 10:25

Annabella92 · 19/12/2024 10:12

It's so sad that families have become so small now.

Yeah, I think so too. We're increasingly a nation of small, broken, atomised families living in increasing isolation hooked up to phones by way of compensation.

SlightDrip · 19/12/2024 10:25

Gently, OP, you need to work on what is making you feel so ‘broken” at the prospect of not having another child, not trying to persuade your DH. The person who doesn’t want the child gets the veto. Every child deserves to be wanted by both parents.

Mnetcurious · 19/12/2024 10:34

Annabella92 · 19/12/2024 10:12

It's so sad that families have become so small now.

But it’s good in terms of unsustainable population growth.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/12/2024 10:50

Upstartled · 19/12/2024 10:25

Yeah, I think so too. We're increasingly a nation of small, broken, atomised families living in increasing isolation hooked up to phones by way of compensation.

Show quote history

@Annabella92
@Upstartled

sad for who?! I think women over the years have just got fed up with doing so much drudge work and want a life for themselves outside of motherhood. And having a smaller family is one way this can be achieved.

RandomUsernameHere · 19/12/2024 10:55

I wanted a third for a long time and DH didn't, I took me a while to "come to terms" with not having another one, so to speak. I feel content now though. There are lots of positives to sticking with two, you will have more resources to devote to them, including your time and attention. Thinking to the future, they will probably want to learn to drive, they may want to go to university, both of which are expensive. I do occasionally still feel broody though!

SockQueen · 19/12/2024 11:16

I'm your DH in this situation, @londonbanana . We have two boys the exact same ages, but I knew I was done literally as soon as I held DS2. DH would quite like another, but I'm a firm no. Fortunately I have the advantage of biology which means an "accidental" pregnancy is much less likely when the opposing desires are this way round.

The thing about "reasons" is that most of the time, each of them individually could be argued with. Unless there's, say, some medical problem that means another pregnancy would be catastrophically risky, each thing itself (for me, hating being pregnant, not wanting to go back to sleepless nights, financial/career concerns etc) is not insurmountable for someone who wanted another child. But the whole bunch together adds up and means it's just not something I could contemplate again. In the end, it's a heart decision on both sides, and logic can't break down his "just don't want to" any more than it can your "would love another."

I hope you both find peace with whatever you choose.

Wallywobbles · 19/12/2024 11:43

I'm probably your DH in this situation, in that I viscerally didn't want any more kids, whereas DH would never have said stop.
Also, I remember my DSM asking me what I felt about them having more kids when I was 11, and I was massively opposed, as were all my siblings.

Christmaseason · 19/12/2024 11:47

I have 3 DC and when the youngest was just about to start school I really wanted another baby. I then realised I couldn’t keep having babies when the youngest got to this age. I was sad for about a year and then had a broody month each December for about 8 years and then it passed.
Occasionally I think it would have been nice to have a now 19/20 years old and no hardship in anyway but as my DH was a flat no I accepted that.
I did get a kitten 10 years ago and I wished I’d done that years earlier but living by a busy road put me off.

AlertCat · 19/12/2024 11:51

Annabella92 · 19/12/2024 10:12

It's so sad that families have become so small now.

Why?

CoIIection · 19/12/2024 11:52

Enjoy the two you have. IMO, more is greedy. I am team husband on this one.

Upstartled · 19/12/2024 11:54

Greedy? For children? People are so weird on this forum.

Dutchhouse14 · 19/12/2024 11:56

In the circumstances you outline I think a third child would be absolutely fine.
Unfortunately it does need you both to agree to it but I do think your DH should hear you out and acknowledge your feelings - yearning for a third child and sadness it may not happen.
I think shutting you down without acknowledgement is part of the issue.
I really think (some) women have an overwhelming biological urge to have a child aka broody.
I know I did, I don't think men get that feeling at all
The feeling does pass but you arent unreasonable to want a third child.
Disclaimer - I was one of 3,DH was one of 3, we have 4 DC 3 planned last one a surprise. So to me 3 DC feels very normal.

Neodymium · 19/12/2024 11:59

i always wanted 3 (which I have) and it was something that was discussed prior to marriage. Dh would have been happy with 1, but for me it was a deal breaker in the relationship. I guess too late for the OP but it’s really important to discuss these things prior to marriage to make sure everyone is on the same page.