Who is right? 3rd child

[londonbanana]

Hi everyone. Please be gentle as I am feeling so, so upset right now.

For a long time I have wanted a third child. I love my children so much and enjoy the day to day stuff - it makes me happy and content and fulfilled. Nothing better than my usual weekly routine with my kids. For context, they are 8 and 5 and I work from home 8-2 and pick them up from school every day. My husband works 8-4 and is home around 4:30 / 5 each day. I have just turned 37 and we live in a 4 bed house with a playroom and two living rooms. My family are close by - parents recently retired and very involved in our lives. We both have professional jobs and whilst we aren't rolling in it, we are comfortable.

I have broached the subject about a 3rd child twice now and have been shut down each time by my husband who just won't even entertain the idea. He says our kids we have now will be adversely affected, we won't have time for anything or money and life will not be good. I find this so hard to accept - firstly, it is not unusual to have 3 or more kids. Secondly, we love being parents and I can only see the joy in adding to this. I just feel so hurt and sad that there is no compromise here - I work really hard to bring home a full time wage while still being there for my kids after school and another child would not change this. I would not want another child if I felt I didn't have capacity to welcome them into our family or if I felt it would adversely affect my other kids.

Any words of wisdom? I can't get past this and feel so lost at the moment

I have 3 daughters. It's not actually a brilliant dynamic. And my third is fucking hard work

I fully understand how strongly you feel and it's so tricky because neither of you are right and neither are wrong, and there is no compromise. I will say that the age gap is challenging as I have pretty much the age gap you'd have if you went for it. There are absolutely lovely parts and lots of challenges too. We ended up with a 4th as well, and I absolutely adore them all and wouldn't change them of course but absolutely has its challenges and he's not wrong to think of these things. I also am lucky enough not to need to work because it would be a whole lot harder to work and manage everyone's schedules as well.

Oh my goodness, definitely quit while you're ahead. Your life sounds great, the planet does not need even more people, the future is very concerning environmentally. Don't add to this. Two is plenty, it really is.

Your want for a third seems to come from a need to be needed, to extend the early parenting years when they’re completely dependent on you for everything, and to delay the ‘empty nest time’ in the future. I think you’d be better exploring why you seem to be craving this, instead of persuading your DH to do something he doesn’t want to do. Whilst a third would undoubtedly bring joy to your family there would inevitably be some negative impact too. Most people decide the negative outweighs the positive, hence the current trend for smaller families. Your DH is not the unusual one here.

OP I just wanted to send a bit of solidarity because I feel the same way. I'm 44 now so it won't happen, but I always wanted a third and have never really felt complete with two (9 and 7 now). I wish I had been a bit more insistent with my husband when it was an option, because I wonder if he would have relented. Funnily enough my mum went through the same thing as she wanted three and my dad didn't.

A couple of years ago these feelings completely consumed me- I think it was a bit of a"last hurrah" type thing my body was doing in my early 40s- but the feelings have settled down. I still feel a pang when I hear about someone having a third baby and I think I always will, but it doesn't consume my life.

Please tell me this is joke? Some weird ironic reverse thing?

My husband wanted one but I wanted for our child to have a sibling (and yes I love children so would have wanted 4 if it was down to me) so we negotiated 2. I'm happy with my two boys and don't feel any urge to have more children. Why do you so much want a 3rd one? Is it because you start to feel older and having another baby will make you feel younger? The advantage of having 2 is that you got time for them to help with homeworks, play games, talk to them etc. Put a baby in the mix and you will find yourself exhausted and not available for your older children. Besides, it's key that you're husband is onboard. Would you consider leaving him in order to have a third child ? Would getting a dog be an option?

I know at least 5 couples that put off the third child because husband didn't want it. Eventually around the woman's age of 40 (two at 43) the desire was so strong, they each had one. Massive age gap and starting all over again. Much better to crack on now if you want one. My husband said I was going to go on about it for the rest of my life, so we may as well get on with it (romantic I know). Best decision we ever made. It's very hard to ignore the urge to have another baby if you have it. I was obsessed, looking at families with 3 kids, asking them what it was like if I got the chance. Sounds like you have a great set up, hopefully he'll come around in the end.

This. And think of the environment.

This.

Some people are incredibly lucky and yet incapable of being grateful for what they have.

I really feel for you OP. I’ve debated a third for so long. I would love one for the same reasons as you and it breaks my heart a bit to think I won’t have another baby. DH was always keen to stick at two, recently he relented but actually since then I think I’ve started to come round to the positives of two outweighing the negatives and risks of having three. Or maybe it’s just because now I know he is more open to it, I feel like at least we are making a joint decision rather than before just sticking with what he wanted (which is the right thing to do). I hope you find peace with whatever happens.

But one is enough for some people too.

I have 2 kids and would have always felt sad if I had stuck with one. OPs feelings are valid.

I would say to speak calmly to your husband and ask him to really listen to you. His wishes are not more important than yours. I'm sorry OP - it's a hard one.

I was you op.
I wanted a third child so much and it was all I could think about. My dh also said no, two healthy children were enough. That three would tip us over the edge - the exhaustion is too much.

My dc are now late teens and thank god I listened and respected his view. Firstly my compulsion for a third was driven by hormones and they died out at 40/41 over night. It was like a switch. I felt it almost a biological drive.

Secondly, we had no idea now expensive and exhausting having teenagers is. It’s a whole new world op. They don’t stay small for long.

Thirdly, we lost both pil and I have had so many health issues and operations. We would never have managed with a toddler. My dh lost his job, eventually found a new one but the stress of the combined situation pushed us to our limits.

You don’t know what is around the corner op. Life has its challenges and it’s best to be in a position of strength when you meet them.

I am so glad we stopped at two (can’t imagine coping with 3!) and we have been able to provide for and really support our teens in every way. Having spare capacity is no bad thing trust me!

To be blunt he doesn’t want one and you aren’t going to be able to get him to want one. DH would love another one, I don’t want one so we aren’t having another child. I think he’s trying to not be put in a position of having to say “no, absolutely not”.

I’d be quite upset if my Dh used my love for him to get me to have a child. If he said “can’t you see how important it is to me” I’d be really distressed. I wouldn’t be giving him another child as a gift, I would still be responsible for that human life and I take my job as a parent really seriously. It’s a joint enterprise and if one doesn’t want to do it the other should let go.

I would have loved to have had 4, but stopped at 2. I'm glad I did. University fees, driving lessons, cars, technology, it all adds up!

I feel for you. You sound like you have a great set up though. Surely it would be more difficult to work with 3 .with broken nights and so on.i know someone with 4 who still would live more! Maybe we just do do u like dogs.i know its not the same but they can be such a comfort. 5 is still very young and will need all your care for a long while yet.i think if you and DH are happy that means a lot.

Be aware that your hormones are a big factor telling you to do this. It is not really about logic, its a biological urge.

A third with that gap, the youngest won't really play with the older two. If you ever want to pay for school fees 3 is far harder, holidays can be harder as a lot of accommodation is based on 2 adults 2 kids. Your husband is probably thinking practically about the higher risk of twins or disability or stillbirth etc as older parents, plus the fact that any financial support you give kids later on has to go 3 ways not 2.

We have 3 under 5 and I will confirm it's not a light decision. The third changes everything!

I'd love a 3rd (mine are 10 & 5), but DH does not. At all. He is unwavering in his resolve.

As disappointed as I am this is something we both have to agree on. There is no compromise. I will not jeopardise my marriage

It's all about your needs here. I mean having children is fundamentally a selfish choice but everything you say is just focussed on you.

Extending your parenting years and avoiding empty nest is really not a reason to bring another life onto this planet.

His reasons in respect of your existing children are entirely valid- I don't think you are thinking about them.

Hormones are strong. Desires are strong. But there is no compromise.

If your DH doesn't want another child then that's it I'm afraid. You have to decide if you can live with that or divorce your DH.

We often wish we’d stopped at two. I wouldn’t change a thing now - and my younger two are my favourites 😜 - but there’s no denying that the world is built for families of four. We could have better mental health, we could afford more for the kids, including uni/cars etc more easily; we could have space in our house.

i understand the all consuming need for another child. I’m afraid you need to make your peace with having two amazing children who you can devote all your time, energy and money to. 💐

I remember this feeling so well. It's heartbreaking but ultimately you can't force someone to have a baby.

We went round and round on this for years and I remember saying if it's purely a practical decision then I'd definitely lose because on paper the cons definitely outweigh the pros. However now number 3 is here, he's slotted in perfectly.

It's an incredibly tough time though.

This isn't fair at all. Since when did being grateful for something require you to dismiss your hopes for anything else?

OP, I would love a third and I'm in the midst of the all-consuming broodiness. My husband knows how I feel and he's going to let me know his decision once he's given himself time to think it through - I wil accept whatever he decides. Both partners need to be all-in on a child. It's the least that child deserves. I also think the weight of responsibility for that decision - and the amount of coercing requirded to get your own way - would be crushing if your third child made life significantly harder for the rest of you.

I wouldn't want to wear my husband down over what to eat for dinner, let alone the decision to bring another person into the world.

If we don't have another, we'll get a puppy. That's a pleasant distraction from my pining for another child.

DH is right. For children, it takes two to consent but one to veto. You know that.

You cannot force him to have another child. Ultimately, you have to decide if you can accept that and if not, move on and have a 3rd with someone else.

You have 2 healthy kids and a good live by the sound of it. Maybe explore why this isn't enough for you and still leaves such a void?