Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

You have to be clear from the beginning so they can plan and budget. You have done lots of childcare for them already (12 hour days wow!) and saved them lots. I hope they appreciate it. It will be a big help to have you around when they have the baby. And you can make it clear that you are happy to help out in emergencies and with occasional babysitting.

You explain that'll be too much for you. Suggest the baby goes to nursery in the morning. You can agree to do drop-offs, then collect baby 1pm and put down for a nap, up for school run and play with both until 6pm home.

Think you're just gonna have to bite the bullet. Appreciate you've helped so far but none of this is your responsibility. They'll cope, as many families do.

Is there anywhere you'd compromise on? For example the long days are too much, but you could do half a day and still have energy? 630-6 is longer than most childcare days I've heard of, it's a lot!! If the little one did an afternoon at the nursery for example and you had them for a morning or vice versa. Not compulsory, but if you still had some capacity that might be a softener?

Think they've been really lucky to have you so far (have two DC and no family nearby so it's all been us, which was our choice, but still sounds nice to have support!) and they've changed the goal posts with this new announcement, it's not unreasonable to say you were also one and done (as far as long days of childcare go).

I think you need to work out what you want to do, for example wrap around care one or two days a week or whatever for your DGC and tell them.

Also have a think about school holidays, do you want to do the two days a week then for your DGC?

You need to be honest and say looking after the baby will be too much for you.

I don’t think come to a compromise but tell them what you can and can’t do and they either accept the help or not.

How on earth can we say no?

As briefly as possible. "No, I'm older now and can't do that."

I've loved having [insert name of other DC] but if I'm honest I'd struggle to provide regular childcare this time around. I'm letting you know now so that you can plan and budget accordingly.

You are giving the almost 13 months notice that this isn’t going to work out. Would you feel up to doing one day? I think you have to be upfront, open and honest as this set up will eventually breed resentment souring the relationship anyway. Any son and DIL would surely want a well mother instead? The government changes to funded nursery places should reduce the cost in comparison to their school age child’s nursery bill anyway.

You just say no. I am similar age to you and when my son and daughter in law were pregnant I made it clear that though I wouldn't mind looking after the baby now and then, I won't do regular child care. They never asked or expected anything else.
It's hard work with a baby or toddler and the older you get the harder it can be.

You need to make it clear now what your expectations of child care will be going forward.

My mum does childcare for me but never full days. The children always go to nursery in the morning session then my mum picks them up at lunchtime and has them for the afternoon, and now she does the school pick up as well on the same days.

You could suggest something similar if you want as then it won't take up your whole day but still means you can create that relationship with your next GC.

But if you don't want to then say it. Going back to the baby stage after this many years is tough for everyone. You should only have the grandchildren when you want, yes you are doing them a favour, but it is also about what you want

6.30am to 6pm for 1 day a week when you did paid work for the other for then 2 days a week when you had stopped paid work partly for health reasons was taking the piss IMO! That was a lot.

If you’re definitely not up for any regular childcare for the baby, that’s not at all U. If you are but would like to do much less, eg whole or half a shorter day, to be ‘back up’ when baby is unwell or whatever, you could explain that and be clear on your limits. you don’t need to justify your reason(s).

I’d imagine that based on their behaviour so far your DS and DIL would be the types to reduce your time with their eldest should you not meet their demands for free care for the youngest.

I usually don't agree with people announcing they are ttc. It's cheesy... But.. in this case they should have planned their child care before starting off..... They are entitled people to assume you want the role..

I think you just have to tell them as soon as possible. It’s odd that they are already talking about days when the baby isn’t even born yet! And won’t DIL be doing the school pick ups while she is on maternity leave?

Have a think about what you are willing and able to do and then tell them that. They should understand if they know that you stopped work due to ill health! If you are able to still help out on an occasional basis then you could let them know that, but also important to set boundaries there (eg kids are off sick from school and nursery a lot when they first start - so you need to be clear you can’t cover all of that if that’s how you feel).

Im sure they will be disappointed since they clearly expected you would continue, but long term they will get it.

Due to health reasons dh and I don’t do childcare.
However we do help with nursery fees.
Is this something you could afford perhaps one day a week?

Otherwise you have to firmly say no.

Just say no. Better to say no now or only commit to more limited hours then suddenly you can't do it because of your health and they have to scrabble around.

My parents are great but will only do a day a week as they understandably find it tiring (and they do 8 until 5 usually not 12 hours). I completely respect them for this and think we are very lucky they do what they do. My in laws used to help but it was too much for them and again I think this is totally fair enough. It was more stressful when they were finding it too much but wouldn't admit it.

They will get some funded hours for this new child and they will have to cut their cloth like anyone else to pay for childcare on top of that.

The original said terms were one and done. And you've stuck that out despite your health and struggling. You say you simply can't. This isn't a choice on your part. It's a reality they are going to have to deal with.

What would they do if you became seriously ill? They'd have to work it out then.

The reality is you can't. It's not negotiable. You will do what you feel able and that's it.

You aren't being mean. They are being unrealistic and taking you for granted.

The unspoken part may be that you would be expected to provide childcare for the second child until they start school, so you'd be committing to something until 2030 or so.

Don't start this journey if you don't want to be on it until the end. Tell them now that you know you won't be able to provide the same level of childcare for child two. It's better for everyone to start as you mean to go on. Don't agree to anything that you're not happy with.

Maybe you can position the changes as part of your retirement and your health?
So maybe say that you have been thinking about your health and what you need and long days of childcare are just not possible going forward as it has a detrimental impact on your energy and health. That you'd love to help with pickup from school a couple of days a week but you are not in good enough health to look after a baby.

By making this about your health it will be hard for them to come back and object. You've done loads for them to date. They've got loads of time to think about new alternatives

Be honest... you can do after school care a couple of days a week, plus the odd inset day or a day on the holidays but you can't do 12 hour days with a toddler anymore.

I had this with my parents. They did two days a week previously. When I fell pregnant second time around I was clear straight away I wouldn’t expect the same. We discussed it and they decided to do two half days and school pick ups on those days. It still saves us money and they still get to spend quality time with their grandchildren. It was the early starts they struggled with.

This time around your daughter should benefit from some subsidised childcare from 9 months old instead of 3. I’d also recommend considering a childminder as in my experience their fees tend to be lower. This should help with costs.

I would tell the what you are willing to do and stick with that

Why do people assume grandparents are free childcare?

You already know the answer- communicate! You really do have to tell them that you’re unable to do full days with the new baby. You already find the time with your gd exhausting, much as you love her, and were looking forward to just doing before/after school. Many new parents don’t have gp able to provide childcare and just have to muddle through for a few expensive years. I bet there are areas they could cut back expenses.
Please don’t martyr yourself, put in some boundaries. You'll be no good to anyone if you burn out from overdoing it.

I'd tell them as soon as possible so they can plan for the childcare.

It's cheeky of them to expect so much help without discussing it with you first.

I'd be honest with them and say it's too much for you due to your health. I am assuming they are aware of your health issues?

The funding will be starting for 9 months olds, so this should reduce the cost. I feel very sorry for you, as they have just assumed that you will be their childcare for another 5 years. You have retired earlier than expected due to your health. It is absolutely not unreasonable to say you will not fit for doing 2 x 12 hour days, plus a school run.

Childcare funding starts a lot earlier now so their childcare bill will be lower.
There’s also wraparound care available for school.

Time to say no. You're older, your health isn't as good.

Whilst it is lovely you have helped out so much to date you are a grandparent not a parent and your son, and daughter in law need to arrange paid childcare like the rest of the country.