Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

People should not have DC they cant take care of. I will be making that very clear to my kids. Bloody not doing regular childcare.

This was exactly my situation. We looked after our grandchild two days a week and loved it and the close relationship it gave us. However, nearing 70, I knew I couldn't manage to do the same for the second baby. Honesty is the best policy and you need to do it right now. I told my daughter clearly that while we'd loved having our grandchild, now we're older, the early mornings and physicality needed would be too much and it wouldn't be safe for the child. She accepted this and of course different arrangements have been made. We still have the baby the odd time for shorter periods and our other grandchild for sleepovers - just not such a regular basis. Don't feel bad, OP, you've helped them out so much already.

Lots of good advice offered already. From someone of a similar age to you, please think very carefully about what you are able to do with both children. Do you want to be tied every day with school drop offs and pick ups for the older grandchild? What about school holidays? Could you cope with a baby and a five year old together? Work out what you are willing/ able to do and put this to the parents. Dont risk your own health or well being.There's plenty of time for parents to look at other childcare options.
Good luck.
*As an aside, check your old age pension forecast. If you aren't projected to have a full state pension, you can claim Specified Adult Childcare Credit which adds to your NI record and boosts your pension. You can backdate it and its very easy to claim.

Parents not assuming is key

When she pulled out the timetable, I was stunned . I think it was assumed because I was a sahm that it would be my duty to them. It meant my evenings were spent trying to take care of my own kids and a baby . My youngest hated it . In the end I was moving which meant it wasn't convenient anymore.

They should not have assumed anything.
Explain exactly what your position is as soon as possible so they know where they are. Any financial implications that arise for them are not your responsibility

It is an awkward conversation but important to raise asap so they can save.

In a few years you will be chasing a toddler on the school run, it is not easy.

I might be willing to cover a bit more after school care for older dc to save some money for nursery. Baby/toddler years are physically demanding it is not unreasonable to say no.

As someone who has recently had a baby and still not back at work…
Helping them out is amazing and I’m sure they appreciate it. But if you’re very tired then the best thing to do is open communication with them to create a plan so everyone is happy. I’m sure they’re very grateful for your help as I wouldn’t trust my baby with anyone but my own mother when the time comes for me to go back to work again. Not to mention how extortionate childcare is.

3 kids here. You're defo not being unreasonable. You sound worried re- their finances (which is their responsibility, not yours) . Though it's definitely not "free" the new childcare has come in. I believe from next September it will be 30 hours (term-time, 22 year round). There are top up fees and it is still expensive. But that's basically your 2 days a week paid for. It's they're decision, they have to work it out. Our childcare bill at one point was nearly £1500 pcm. Admittedly only 1 child 2 days a week now, it's now around £250-300pcm with 15 free hours. So quite a massive drop and I'm looking forward to it moving to 30 hours from September which I think is for children from 9 months old? They have bee financially sensible not having 2 in nursery as tax-free childcare goes a bit further paying the bills too.

I think you've been incredibly generous and are well within your right to say that you can't continue for another child the same way. It's unfair that they're expecting this of you, without even asking first. We've never had grandparent help as one set live abroad and the other has some health issues and lack of energy so told us from the beginning that childcare wasn't something she was prepared to do. Even though she had done lots for siblings elder children. We just got on with it. I think you definitely need to tell them now so they can budget and plan accordingly, just the way many of us do without support living in an expensive area.

I think it's absolutely lovely what you have done so far and you didn't need to do it at all. I would never expect my mum to do this, your health is your number one priority and starting all over again with a new baby will really affect this. 6-6 is knackering for anyone let alone someone a bit older with health issues. They really should have thought of childcare and how expensive it is before they got pregnant again. It's unreasonable for them to expect it again automatically from you. I would just ask your son for a conversation and explain how you have loved doing it with your first grandchild but you have recently found it very hard health wise and you're concerned about starting over again with a small baby. Just say how you can't manage it but of course you want to help out when you can and have a good bond with the new addition but full blown childcare is too much for you and surely they would understand this.

My MIL only did childcare for the first GC…there are 5 GCs in total. It just wasn’t possible to add on the new responsibilities because of her age. And she wanted to enjoy her time and do travelling outside of the school holidays!

It was rude of them to assume that you would be providing their free childcare for a new baby 2x per week. They communicated that they weren’t having more children. If this was their expectation, they should have asked you if you were available for extra childcare before becoming pregnant.

They are very entitled to just expect this of you.

Make it clear now, give them lots of notice.

God you’ve been a saint to do so much this far. I find full days with me OWN children tiring I don’t know how I would cope at 63 with other peoples children! Mines are only 4 and 1 and I’ve already said to my husband when/if we have grandchildren I’m not doing any regular childcare haha. I think it’s absolutely fair to sit down and have an honest conversation about what you can and can’t do. If you want to help in some way could you offer to do a few half days so they only need to pay for half days nursery? If even this is to much (which is completely fair) then it’s fine to say you just don’t feel able to commit to any regular childcare but would be happy to help for the occasional night out for mum and dad etc.

to be honest if they absolutely can not cope financially with another child without your help then they really should have consulted you before trying to conceive.

My mum is in her 70s and really struggles with the long days babysitting her 2 year old GD.
I think you need to speak to your DIL and DS about it now so they can start thinking about alternative childcare.

Thank you all for your kind comments, I hesitated to post in AIBU as there are often such nasty responses here. Yes, I know I need to have an honest conversation which is what I always suggest to other posters on here. I actually don’t think of them as being cheeky or entitled, they are both very grateful for the support they get, I just think they are excited about the baby and I am pretty sure it was unplanned as finances and space were some of the reasons why they were one and done so they are just trying to work out how they can manage. We could afford some financial help but we have two younger young adult siblings to consider who may well have children in years to come when I definitely won’t be up for childcare so I am a bit reluctant to go down they “we will pay for childcare” route. We have always paid for GD to have extra childcare days (she usually goes three times a week) if we are on holiday and can’t have her for the days we have committed to which I think is only fair but we are not so well off we can just offer to cover their childcare costs.

That's a really tough one OP. I can never understand why people go ahead with such huge plans as another child, knowing that they will rely on others, yet it never crosses their mind to discuss it beforehand. Having another child is only none of your business if it doesn't impact you, and clearly that's not intended to be the case. I think this is unfortunate for them, as there is no way you should agree to work you feel you can't do. Not only for your sake, but for theirs as it may make you unreliable or less than able for it. You have right entirely on your side here as it should have been obvious from your early retirement your health is an issue. If it were me I'd talk to DS. Tell him you simply can't do it. They made a unilateral decision here, and they were wrong.

Why not be completely honest Op. Tell them you left work because you're health isn't so good, you can't cope with 12 hr childcare anymore and you'd only been able to keep going as your DGC would be in school soon. You can't do it again and you want to give them maximum time to arrange childcare.

If you do all the school runs and hours after school you'll be tied down every day Op, your health will get worse and when your DH retires you'll have no time together. You've saved them tons of money already, they need to be grateful for that.

In your situation I would say that you are happy to do to the school drop offs as already discussed (if you are!) but you do not feel able to do a full days care anymore. It's not your problem to sort their childcare out, a lot of people manage without family help - it's up to them to work it out.

Difficult for you op. I am in the same position. I did 1.5 days per week but the other grandparent is starting to let them down 50% of the time so I am having to step in. They are 1 and 3.

I do manage ok as Dh comes as well now. But a few weeks back I had to cover 3 consecutive days one being 13 hrs. This was far too much and I was dreading it.

Are other gps involved? Do they not get some free hours at nursery - clearly not with the new baby. It seems a very long day and you need to speak up now.

I agreed because I brought up my 2 gs and dd was such a wonderful help. I wanted to repay her but 63 is a whole lot different to 40.

As hard as it is, be clear now rather than waiting until closer to the time. At least then your DIL has time to decide her back to work plans without factoring you into them.

I think for me its the retired due to ill health that is the changed factor since your first GC. 6.30-6pm two days a week is a massive ask if you aren't at your best health. I'm surprised they asked you to take on an additional day with your current GC if you retired because of your health.

I know you don't see it this way but they are being very cheeky and entitled to assume you'll just do it.

You retired due to poor health yet they still expect you to provide regular childcare? They sound very unreasonable to not have considered the impact on you. Long days like that with a child are way harder than any job I’ve ever done.
i think you have to just say that you’re older than you were X number of years ago and you retired because you can’t do what you once could. They need to make arrangements for themselves (like every other family has to) and if you feel comfortable you can say what you are willing to commit to. But it’s also ok to say you’re probably only able to offer ad hoc from now on or limit it to pick ups only etc.

They sound extremely lucky to have had as much help as they have. Most people just have to figure it out without anything like that level of support. It was their decision to have another child, and their responsibility to sort childcare, not yours.

if you draw a boundary and are then made to feel horrible for doing so, you have to ask why your child feels ok with trampling over your boundary?

Paying for childcare is part of having kids and working. They’ll need to suck it up.

@ReluctantGrandma I think you know the answer. Speak to your son about how you’re feeling. Let him know he should have respect for you and speak to you about how you feel, rather than make assumptions you’ll do what he wants.

IMHO, they’ve not put their child first. 6.30am to 6pm is unfair to both you and the child. What time do they get the poor thing out of bed? 5.30am?

It’s not only your DIL’s responsibility to care for the kids. Fathers should have equal responsibility. Why do they both have to work full time? We both dropped to 4 days a week each when we had DCs. I worked compressed hours in the 4 days, so I only lost a few hours’ pay.

So, we had the kids for one day a week each, then used a nursery 3 days a week and childminders for after school. It was a good balance for the kids too, as (including weekends) they had 4 days at home with us and 3 days in daycare. Only needing 3 days a week childcare really helps in the school holidays too. Six weeks x 5 days a week in summer is a lot to cover and stressful for children to be with a childminder all that time. Or are they expecting you to have your GD for every single school holiday?

Could that not work? Then you could do the drop offs and pick up for you GD and they could use a nursery three days a week for the baby.

They shouldn’t rely on you even if you didn’t mind. Because, if you were suddenly unwell, they’d be stuffed. Better to use GPs for emergencies IMHO.